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i never have free time because when i should, i just sleep right through it. i thought i would have spare time this morning, since i went to bed before midnight last night and didn't have to work until 4 p.m. today. instead, i slept for 14 hours and had no extra time.

last night i dreamed a scary dream.

i was at work. terrie was there, and we were in the office together, sorting really big piles of money from the u-scan. they were so big that we had to get these special money-pile-holders to sort them into, or else they would topple over. nobody else was anywhere around. while we sorted, i worked up my nerve, and then asked her, 'when you guys got evicted and you moved in with your whipped cream girlfriend, where did christine go?'
she asked, 'why, because you think christine is hot?'
i said no.
she asked, 'you'd sleep with her, wouldn't you?'
'no!' i told her. and then i said, 'well, i'd sleep with her like just to sleep, because it's not like i'm disgusted by the idea of being close to her, but i wouldn't sleep with her, like i'd sleep with... well, whoever...'
terrie asked, 'like you'd sleep with marie?'
i got scared. i asked, 'how'd you know that i slept with marie?!?!?!'
as soon as i asked, i realized that she hadn't known. she was just trying to say that i would sleep with marie, not that i had. she was going crazy, like
i can't believe you slept with marie, and i was going crazy like i can't believe i just admitted to sleeping with marie, and we were both screaming and being shocked and i was hiding under the keyboard tray, in a hole that's not there in real life. then jane came in, and wanted to know what was going on. i didn't tell her, but terrie opened her mouth so i grabbed a handful of money, dove at terrie, and shoved it in her mouth. kelly came in, and then michelle, and then teena, and then tasha, and they all wanted to know what was going on. terrie kept trying to tell them, so i kept shoving more money in her mouth, and she kept chewing it up and swallowing it and trying to tell them again, so forever and ever, i just chased terrie in circles in the office, in between everybody else, shoving money in her mouth to keep her quiet, and i was terrified that i was going to run out of money because all the money-pile-holders were almost empty...

i woke up feeling sick to my stomach. i thought it was from the dream, but i don't think it was because it never went away. i went to work, and they needed me on register at first, but it got so bad that i thought i was going to puke, and i just left everything at my register and ran to the bathroom and hung on the toilet, but nothing came out. i finally came out of the stall and went in the back corner of the restroom and curled up under the second sink that nobody uses. my stomach felt queasy, but the worst part was my muscles. my arms and my legs felt really weak, like i had just run a marathon, instead of like i had just had a perfectly good night's sleep. my arms were shaking. all i wanted was just to sit here for 10 minutes and get my strength back. doesn't it figure that when all i want is silence, everybody decides it's time for a bathroom break? first, kinitra came back. she asked if i was ok, and i said i would be in a minute. then g came back. (g is the new hot girl. she's big and black and butch and the first time i saw her, i didn't know if she was a boy or a girl, but i knew that she'd make a fine-looking girl. i finally figured out that 'g' stands for jianna, or je'anna, or jiana or something like that, which makes her a girl for sure, which made me pretty happy.) anyway, she asks, 'debbie, are you ok?' i didn't know she knew my name. i didn't care, either. i just wanted to not talk and not hear and just sit here... i said yeah. when she left, she said she hoped i felt better. i got to sit for a half second, and then michelle came back and went all mommish on me, and wouldn't leave me alone, and told me i should go home, and noticed that i was shaking, and started asking about everything i had eaten in the past week, and then tried to feel if i had a fever. she concluded that i was freezing, and there must be something wrong. i tried to tell her that i'm just cold-blooded, but she wouldn't have that. then marie came back to pee. marie asked if i was ok, and michelle told her i was shaking and i was freezing, feel my forehead. marie told her that i was always cold to the touch, so that didn't mean much. they tried to tell me to go home, but the problem was that i didn't even feel up to getting up, or walking to my car, or driving home. i just wanted to sit here until i felt better enough to get up and go home, but if i felt good enough to do that, then i would also be good enough to work. i tried to tell them that, and i think eventually, marie caught on, because she switched to trying to get me to drink some water. michelle went and got some water. by the time she got back, i wasn't shaking any more. i drank some water, and then they tried to get me to eat something. by now, i had been in the bathroom for almost a half hour, and my muscles were feeling normal enough for me to stand up again. they walked me back up front and bought oyster crackers and told me to eat some. i didn't, and they forgot for a while. when marie remembered, she came back into the office and forced me (literally) to eat a few.

i survived. i felt queasy all night, and moved slowly. i closed with tasha, who is the slowest of the acscs. marie knew this, though, and even though she was supposed to be running the floor, she came back in the office and for almost 2 hours, just helped me out, counting the u-scan pick-up, and strapping money, and sorting coupons, and adding checks and stuff. she asked 'isn't it nice of me to help you out?'
i said yeah. then she asked if i loved her. in a moment of weakness, i said yes...

she was extra touchy today. she was always rubbing my back or touching my face or giving me a hug or telling me she loved me. i realized that i should be enjoying this, but i felt too sick to actually get anything out of it, which was a shame.

she said maybe we could go look at the place where sam (the girl) used to live on monday. i don't know if she means maybe we'll get to go somewhere monday, or we'll definitely go somewhere, and maybe we'll go there.

tasha and i finished on time. i went home and here i am.

i've barely even been awake for 11 hours, and i'm exhausted. my muscles are tired again and i'm dizzy and my stomach still feels a little queasy. i don't know what's wrong with me... i guess i'm just going to go to bed... i've got so much stuff to do around here, and i thought that this weekend, i would finally be able to do it... there are dishes to be washed, and i have stuff to clean, and checks to mail in, and bills to pay, and i really wanted to build timmy and play vice city, but i just don't feel up to any of that... sleeping seems like such a waste of time, but i guess i need to do it...