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please stop me
stupidfool
i need to sleep because i work early tomorrow, but i needed to think this through a month ago, and if i don't do it soon, it's going to be way too late. it's already way too late. i don't know what i'm getting myself into...

today, i went over to marie's. when i got there, she was on the phone with some boy, so i went and curled up in her bed. i like marie's bed... it smells like marie, and i like the way she smells...

she got off the phone, finally. i didn't match. i knew i didn't match, and i had tried my hardest, but since i was going straight to work, i had to wear blue pants, and all my shirts that match blue pants were dirty. marie gave me a shirt to wear.

so we went apartment shopping... we went to all these different places, in all these different price ranges... and then we drove by these REALLY nice-looking apartments. they weren't in our guide, and we figured they were way out of our price range... but while we had some time to spare, we decided to go in and check them out anyway. there was this beautiful lobby, and a friendly lady told us to have a seat, and she'd be right with us. we sat down, and marie punched my leg, gently, and then harder, and i asked, 'why do you always hurt me?'
she stopped punching, rubbed my leg gently, and promised, 'when we live together, i won't hurt you.'
then the lady was ready to show us the apartments. they were NICE. there's enough parking for everybody, and for your friends. you get free tanning, free movie rental, free swimming, and free use of the saunas, the pool tables, the fitness center, the dartboard, the volleyball court, the basketball courts, etc... plus, they throw random parties and barbecues when the weather is nice. if you live there, you attend for free. a local radio station comes out and provides the music and they provide the food and you just meet everybody else and eat and have a good time. and the apartments themselves were much nicer than anything we had looked at all day... the bedrooms were both big, instead of having one master and one little one. (i'm delighted, and i tell marie, 'my bed will look tiny compared to this room!' she laughs and tells me that i can sleep in hers anytime i feel too small in mine.) they had a really nice kitchen, with a breakfast bar and a full-sized oven and dishwasher and everything... the living room was big, too... plus, it didn't look ratty like some of the places we had looked at. everything looked so nice and clean and expensive. we fell in love with them... but they were almost $100 more per month than any other place we had looked at...
BUT they're having a special, right now. if you put down a security deposit, you can rent a 2-bedroom place and save $105/month for the entire term of the lease... she wants to live there. i want to live there. on the ride home, we're giddy, talking about how wonderful the place was. she asks where i'm going after that year, if i'm moving back home.
after that year, i'm starting over. that's when i find my new beginning, right...?
i don't say that. i just say i'm not moving back home. she asks where i'm going, and i know what she's getting at, so i tell her, 'i'll probably stay around here.'
she says if we live in that place, it's so nice that she might not leave after the year is up. she might just transfer to a different school around here, and we could stay in that place for even longer. i'm excited. i'm caught up in the moment. i say, 'that would be sweet! that place was super!'
and then we're giggling again, going nuts because we want to live there crazy bad...

we go back to her house, and she sits down with a calculator, and we figure it all out. even if she doesn't get a better job, she can afford this place. so can i. in fact, this wonderful nice place with all those things for free, it's LESS than what i'm paying for this piece of junk on campus. we can do this... we're all excited, giggling and laughing, and all we can say is, 'dude, that place is nice!' and 'dude, we could live there!' and 'that's sweet, dude!' she calls back, and asks if we both have to be there to put the money down for the security deposit, and the lady says no. she says one of us can come, put down the money, and she'll give us the paperwork to get started. marie hangs up and we're jumping around. i'm covering my face with my shirt and spinning around in circles and we're just excited...

then she sits down on the counter and we try to calm down to discuss it. marie has to tell her mom that she's moving out, and her mom is not going to like that... but marie has a while to break the news to her. we don't need marie's parents to co-sign for the place, as long as my parents will. we also have to check with molly. we need a commitment from her now, because if she wants to live with us, this place is out. if she doesn't, i can go wednesday, and put down the security deposit. when we say that out loud, we get excited all over again, and she squeals, and i bury my face in her lap. she laughs and hugs my head and says, 'we can do this!' and she's right; we can...

i have to go to work. i 'forget' to give her back her shirt. really, i just want to sleep with the smell of her tonight. she calls me 5 minutes after i get there, just because she's that excited. she asks if i still like that place, and isn't it great, and we squeal on the phone for a while, until tasha leaves and i have to go help a customer.

an hour later, marie comes in with her mom. while her mom browses the floral department, marie whispers to me, 'i'm getting her used to the idea of me living with you. i told her that if i ever moved out, i was thinking that you would be a good person to live with, because you're so responsible and careful with your money. i told her how much money you have saved up, and how you paid cash for your car. she said that sounded like it would be good, but then she said that when i transferred schools, you wouldn't be looking for an apartment 2 hours away from here just because that's where i'm going to school. so really, she said it was a good idea, but it probably wouldn't happen. so she still thinks i'm waiting 2 years... but i'm getting her used to it, really! we can do this!'
and then her mom came back, and she said bye, and i called after them, 'bye marie! bye marie's mom!'

shortly after that, molly came in to grocery shop. i asked her where she was living. i told her about this wonderful place that marie and i had found, and i said nothing about the number of bedrooms, or the lack of a basement. i let her think that she could move in with us if she wanted to, but we needed to know now, because we wanted to put down a security deposit and commit to it. molly said no. she said she didn't want to drive drunk, and that if she lived off-campus, she would wind up doing that way too much. she needed to live someplace where she could walk to aaron's. i told her how nice this place was, and how nothing was ratty. she said she's a college kid and a slob, and she likes ratty. she didn't seem angry or upset... she just seemed stubborn. she wants to stay on campus. and i want to move off. so i guess i have molly's consent... there is nothing standing between us and this apartment but a 10-minute drive and a $300 security deposit.


but wait. slow down for a minute and THINK about this, idiot. this is marie. yeah, it's a nice apartment... but think about who you're living with! what's going to happen? i am insanely attracted to this girl. i think i love her, every other day. i love the way her shirt smells. i love the way she feels. i am head over heels in love with the idea of living with the most attractive girl in the world, and the apartment hardly makes a difference. she's in love with the apartment. this isn't right... somebody's going to get hurt, and it's not going to be marie... i'm just asking for it. i'm giving her easy access to my heart, and practically asking her to break it...
but i'm not, am i? it's just an apartment. it's where i live, but it doesn't have to become my life... i'll have neighbors... i'll still have my other friends... i just won't let myself go crazy over marie, and i'll be fine, right?
please, somebody hit me. you have less than 48 hours to talk me out of this. shake me up and kick my face in and stop me, because god knows i can't stop myself...

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