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stupidfool
i was trying to sleep... but i can't. i've got a dilemma.

the plan was for me to put down the security deposit tomorrow. i talked it over with marie, and she was 100% committed to living in this place, with me, as long as i put down the deposit.

so i was talking to nikki online tonight, while i worked on my homework. she talked about her job a little, mentioned that wendy had some friends over right now, and then asked if i had talked to molly any more about next year. i told her about this great place that marie and i had found. she asks, 'marie? isn't she the one who is, um, odd?'
nikki knows all the bad things about marie, because that's all i've told her. combine that with the fact that nikki hates gays (and i told her that marie is bi), and nikki really hates marie. so she's not too fond of the idea of me living with marie. i tell her everybody's odd, and she asks if marie likes girls, and i say sure, but so what? she asks, 'well what if she tries to hit on you!?!?' i say something like, 'that's the least of my concerns,' and then i try to change the subject a little, and instead of discussing my roommate, i discuss the apartment, and all the great stuff you get with it... she asks where it is, and i tell her the name of the place, and the location. she says, 'wait, i think that's where wendy's friends used to live! let me ask them!'
she asks, comes back, and says that it is. i ask if they liked it, and she replies, 'so much that they broke their lease there to come live here...'
i press for details, and she says she's not sure, but she thinks they were strict about parking and noise and stuff.
i tell her that i like it quiet, and that's part of my reason for wanting to get away from campus. she says ok, and then she falls silent for a while.
she comes back, and tells me that she just talked to wendy's friends. she said that they said that 'it's kinda dirty there, especially towards the back of the complex. and there are always mexicans in the parking lots, drinking and playing loud music all night.' she says that almost everybody who lives there is mexican or asian, and that when you go to those social gatherings, you don't hear a whole lot of english. so it might sound like you'll meet a lot of people, but when most of them have little incentive to speak your language (since there are so many people around who understand their native tongue), you don't really meet anybody. and she adds, 'i guess some of the mexicans break into cars and stuff, too.'

so i don't know. first of all, i don't know whether or not to believe nikki. nikki is always looking out for me, and trying to protect me from something or another... but i don't know what she's trying to protect me from, this time. is it really the apartments, or is she just stretching the truth (or even flat-out lying) about them because she wants to protect me from marie? she tried to stop me from the marie angle first, and she only asked about the apartments when that didn't work... it seems kinda suspicious... but i could just be paranoid.

so assuming that i believe nikki... then what? i guess i have to not put the money down tomorrow, and wait until i can talk to marie about it... but i don't want to. if we don't commit to this place, what do we have? marie is ready to commit to this. if i talk her out of this, what if she doesn't want to commit to another place? what if she decides that if we can't live here, she'd rather stay with her mom for another year? i don't mind passing up the opportunity to live in these apartments, but i mind giving up the chance to live with marie. i'll put up with a little bit of spanish, some trash in the back of the complex, and a little bit of risk, if it's the only way i'll get to live with marie... besides, if i can't live with marie, where can i live? i think i've burnt a few bridges... i can't go crawling back to molly now... i gave her the choice, and she chose to stay here. i told her i was going. she is probably already making plans for next year, and they don't involve me... if i lose the chance to live with marie, and i don't have the choice of living with molly, i have nothing...
so maybe i should ignore nikki. maybe i should listen to her, believe her, and then not say a word to marie. i could go tomorrow, put down the deposit, and report back to marie like i was just as sold on this place as i was yesterday. if there really is a downside to this place, we could 'discover' it together. it can't be that bad, right?

does it seem like lately, i've been regularly making the worst choices? i know i shouldn't live with marie... but i think i'm going to. i know i shouldn't completely ignore nikki... but i think i'm going to. what's next?