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stupidfool
i didn't go to classes today. i didn't do the homework that was due. i didn't do anything due friday either, and i just can't. not now. i don't know if i ever can. i can't stop crying for long enough to attempt it...

molly hates me. i haven't seen her since she came in to the store on monday, talked to michelle, and completely ignored me. i haven't spoken to her in over a week. i know that in a way, i saw it coming, and that i've almost been preparing myself for this... but it still hurts. i miss molly...

marie wants to give up. she's upset, but i think she's more upset because her mom is mad at her, not because we don't get to live together, or because i have no place to live. i begged her, told her there had to be a way we could make it work. she asked, 'are you going to pay my tuition?'
i immediately answered, 'yes.'
she said, 'no you're not. your parents would kill you.'
i told her about my udf money. i told her i could make it work... she said no.
i said i'd get a one-bedroom place, and pay the rent, and she could just live in my living room for free. she said that wouldn't work. i said i'd pay the $500, like it was a 1-bedroom place, and she could just pay $100. she said she still wouldn't have enough for tuition, and i said i'd loan it to her until summer, or until she ran a few vacations and made the money. she said she couldn't. she said i could get a 1-bedroom place, and she'd come visit me all the time. i said, 'no you won't.'
'i will,' she promised. 'i'll stay every other night.'
'then why not just live there? i'll pay the rent and you just go to school...'
'but what about after that year? what about when i transfer schools, and i'm not living with you any more? then how am i going to pay the rent, without that scholarship paying my tuition?'
'get another scholarship,' i told her. 'there has to be another scholarship you can get!'
'i wouldn't know where to begin,' she sighed.
'i'll do it. i'll fill them out in your name, with your information, and get you some other scholarships,' i pleaded.
we're standing at the bank machine, in the middle of the store. she shakes her head, and says, 'debbie, look. my mom hates me. i hate me. you can't fix this. please stop trying,' and then she walks away.
i stand there and i hurt. i want to dissappear. i want to cry. how can she just give up? and how can her mom do that to her? nothing is right... i just stand there, for the longest time, staring ahead. i want to help marie. i want to make her mom like her again. and then i want her to live with me. and i can't. why can't i fix this???

when she gets off, i look at her. i think she can see the emptiness in my eyes. she takes my arm and says, 'walk with me to get my stuff.'
i do. i try again to talk her into making it work. she says it just won't happen. i tell her, 'marie, i'm sad...'
she says, 'me too. my mom hates me. i hate me.'
'stop saying that!' i cry. i reach out for her, and it doesn't work. she puts her forehead on my shoulder, but there's stuff between us and it's a distant hug, like the kind you'd give to some random stranger.
i give up and let go and swallow hard and pray that the tears will hold off until she leaves. i don't want to make her feel guilty... she sighs, 'walk me out to my car.'
i do. we walk in silence. when we get there, i start to ask, 'but what if-'
'i can't,' she stops me. 'really, debbie, i can't. my mom just found out about this in the worst way... if it had been different, i could have taken more time, and eased her into the idea, and maybe she would have reacted better... but instead, she found out all of a sudden, and at the same time, realized that i had been lying and sneaking around behind her back. right now, i just can't. i'm sorry...'
'marie...' i plead.
i don't even know what to say. i just look at her, and my eyes are begging her not to give up, and to find a way to fix this. i reach out and touch her hair gently. she looks away, and then gets into her car. 'i have to go home and get yelled at some more,' she says.
'i'm sorry...' i whisper.
'me too,' she answers. 'goodnight, debbie.'
'bye.' i'm choking. i turn and stumble towards the store, and then i realize that i can't go inside like this... i go to the curb, where my fence used to be. i sit down and curl up and bury my face in my arms and cry. i just hurt all over. i want marie to come here and hold me tight, and tell me she still loves me... and i don't even think she does. i think i'm the last thing on her mind. she just wants to fix things with her mom, and to go back to living there... i love her. i love her so much and i want her to stop hurting and i want me to stop hurting and i can't stop anything. i'm fucking helpless. i finally stop crying, and i go inside and start closing. i'm about halfway done with the bookwork when it hits me all over again and i have to run to the bathroom so tasha won't see my tears. it takes us 45 minutes longer than normal to get done. part of it is that tasha is slow, and the other part is that i have to take at least 3 more cry-breaks. i can't stop. i feel like a fucking baby.

i come home and i'm almost ok for about 10 minutes, and then i notice the apartment guide, just sitting on the corner of my desk, and it all comes back and i'm crying again. i don't know what to do. i hurt so bad and i can't stop anything and i can't control anything. i can't do homework and i can't even eat. i haven't fucking ate anything but a few things of string cheese at work, not since i found out that marie's mom found out. i hurt... i hurt i hurt i hurt... i want marie to hold me and make it stop. or i want to make it stop myself. just to make it stop, that's all i want...