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today was the first day since marie's mom found out about everything that i haven't seen or talked to marie. it was the best day i've had since that whole mess started... do you suppose that's a coincidence?

i woke up at 7 a.m. some drunk idiots (or maybe they weren't drunk yet, but within a few hours, they would be) were standing outside, screaming, 'O-H!'
at times like these, i wish there was some vulgar word that started with o-h. i could scream back, 'c-k' and i'd be saying, 'fuck you!' too bad ohck isn't a bad word...

molly talked to me. actually, i talked to her first. i left her a message telling her that she's on vacation next week (acting like i don't know that her plan is to quit). she answered, and we talked for a real short time on aim, while i got ready for work (yes, she was in the next room and both our doors were open. we do this all the time). then i went to udf. it was crazy. we did more sales by 3 (when i left) than we had done in the past 5 saturdays, combined. i spent part of my shift at the door, checking receipts (pain in the ass), but i spent most of it in the cooler, just rotating beer from the back to the cooler to the shelves. it was hard work, but it kept me busy... and i took comfort in the thought that this was my last day at udf (at least for 2002).

while i was messing with the beer, i was thinking...

i think i need to laugh more. a good hard laugh can make everything seem a little better... in the past month, i've probably only laughed (hard) twice.
once was when marie, jane, and i were in the office, and jane was talking about her little boy, jamie. jamie is two, and his new favorite word is 'big.' when jane went to pick him up from daycare, he announced, 'look! here comes my big mom!' he also likes to play with his 'little package.' jane says it's because he's at the stage where he's just discovering his body... and she describes how (in public places) he'll stretch it all out, and then run up to her, show her, and say, 'ma, look at my big turkey!' (and she doesn't know why he calls it a turkey.) we'll do a little work, and then jane will remember another situation in which he inappropriately used the word 'big.' like telling the doctor, 'no. put it in your big mouth!' or, in the public restroom, saying, 'look at that big poop!' or, after the overweight receptionist gives him a sucker and jane asks, 'what do you tell the lady?', he replies, 'that big lady?'
it was hilarious. the way she was telling the story (especially the part about jamie's big turkey) just made us laugh...
the other time, teena and i were in the office, and terrie was about to go home, so she came back to use the phone, to see if her girlfriend wanted her to bring anything home for dinner. before making this phone call, she told us that she was jealous of us (we were eating taco bell) because she had to go home and eat some tuna casserole that her girlfriend was making. so teena and i were just counting money, and sort of listening to terrie talk about dinner...
'did you get the bread crumbs?'
'oh, ok, and the tuna?'
'so you're just about done?'
'well do we need anything else, like a side dish?'
'oh yummmmm!!!! that sounds great!'
this is where teena and i start to pay a bit more attention, because terrie just became extremely enthusiastic.
'mmmmmmmmm... i can't wait! ...so did you get the whipped cream?'
teena snorts. i do my best to hide a smile, and just keep counting money.
'awwww... but honey, you know i like redi-whip!'
teena cracks up, and so do i. terrie suddenly realizes that we're laughing at her, pauses to think about what the conversation sounded like from our end, and then goes crazy, protesting, 'no, no, no, she's making a pie! oh god stop it, we're just having pumpkin pie! stop! stop, stop, stop!'
the more embarrassed she gets, the funnier it is... teena and i probably laughed for 5 minutes straight... and when it was over, i was just left with a real good feeling. it was like i had just ate a good meal, or played a good game, or something... maybe i mean 'satisfied,' more than i mean 'good.'
i need to get that feeling more often. i need to find some funnier things or make some funnier friends or go to a comedy club or something, because it's sad when you can only remember two funny things (and they both took place at work).

i think i'm too negative. when you get caught up in all the bad things, you forget about everything else... when i was in 8th grade, i realized this, and i made a promise to myself: after every day, i would take a moment to think of the best part of that day. even the worst day has a best part, and if you let yourself get caught up in all the bad stuff, you get depressed, and all the little good things are wasted. i actually did that, religiously, for nearly two years... and then somehow, i got out of the habit. i'm going to start again. in fact, i'll backtrack a little, back to tuesday, when all the bad things started.
the best thing about tuesday: i got overtime. (well, that's also bad, so let me try again.) sarah. there's this new cashier named sarah, and she's a pretty little black girl. she's sort of quiet, but she's very sweet and nice, and i like her. (before you decide this is a story about my hormones, let me just say: i don't like her in a sexual way. i say she's pretty because i know she is, but i personally don't think she's attractive... she's too tiny... i just like her because she's nice.) i was back in dairy, refilling the milk, and sarah asked if i stocked, too. so i was talking to her a little bit about my versatility, and she said, 'it's too bad you're not up front any more. i like you a lot more than marie...' i told her that in real life, marie's not as bad as she seems here... she just gets on this little power trip, and gets snobby and bossy, especially when she's under stress... in real life, she's not so much like that. sarah says, 'i still like you better.' i thank her. and then later, i say something about ann, and she doesn't know who ann is. i'm amazed, and i tell her that ann is the boss of the store. she shrugs and says, 'yeah, but i've hardly been here, and i can't keep all these people straight... i remember marie because i didn't like her, and i remember you're debbie, and i also know michelle and tasha, and jacqui because she hired me, and that's about it.'
it made me feel good.
the best thing about wednesday: wednesday is kind of a mess in my mind. it's a blur of tears and missed classes and that's about it. i'll come back to that later, when i think of something.
the best thing about thursday: everybody at work was really supportive. i realized that maybe i have a lot of 'associates' (<--borrowing that word from jay)
the best thing about friday: i got back the stats midterm that i deserved to do terribly on, and i got a 94%, which was over 20 points above the average.
ok, i'm caught up now. moving on...

i came home from udf and molly was here. i asked, 'where did you park,' and she snapped, 'in the lot.' it was the first thing she had said to me in a week, and it sure wasn't very friendly. i gave up, and got ready for work.

she came in to grocery shop, while i was working, and she talked to me... just like normal. i was at the service desk, and she came up and asked for a raincheck. i gave her her paychecks instead, because she had 3 back here. she observed that she had gotten a raise, and she remarked, 'maybe i won't quit.'
i fake surprise and ask, 'quit? did you quit?'
'i was going to,' she said, 'but maybe i just needed a little break from it. i took last week off and i get this week off... and with that raise, i could go back next week and it wouldn't be so bad, right?'
'sure,' i tell her. 'and you'll get night premium too, so for a 2nd job, this is about the best you can expect to find!'
then i gave her a raincheck, and she left, and the second she was out the door, kelly and rashid both rushed at me, asking, 'you guys are speaking again!?'
i laugh and tell them, 'evidently so...'
so i don't know what to make of that. she still called me a jackass. i don't think she'll ever like me, like she did a year ago. i guess that's only fair, though, because i don't like her as much as i liked her a year ago, either. i don't think she wants to live with me next year, and i don't think i really want to live with her, either. i just want us to remain friends... not best friends, and not inseparable, but just friends. acquaintances, even. at the very least, i just hope that we can stay civil for the rest of the year, and it looks like she's willing to do at least that... it looks much better today than it did yesterday.

malik is coming back to work, in january. maybe i found that out wednesday. if i did, that can be my good thing for wednesday, because malik rules!

this week, between my two jobs, i worked 65.5 hours. all that, and i still managed to get all my homework and projects (except for one assignment, which i didn't do or turn in) done on time.

it's been a long day.... it's been a long week... i'm going to bed.

oh, but let's not forget...
the good thing of today: can i have two? the nice little pick-me-up of the morning was an e-card from holly, which made me smile a little (and that's good, because it's pretty hard to smile when the drunk idiots have been noisily showing their school spirit for the past 3 hours). and the good thing of the afternoon was that molly spoke to me.

i'm done.