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im sooo tired...
stupidfool
so i slept through 4 classes today. that was all of them. i never manage to go to bed when i think im going to. by the time i was done attempting to do homework for classes i hadnt been to, it was late. and by the time i could stop thinking enough to sleep, it was later. so i woke up at 2 and caught the bus to work at 2:30. i dont know why i am even in school. really.

when i got to work, christine was in this freindly mood. she says 'hi loser!' and gets my drawer, and asks how i am, and how are classes. i tell her i dont know. she asks why and i say cuz i havent been to any lately becuase i dont really like them and i prefer to sleep. she said her too, thats why shes not in school any more. dont i just wish i could do that. shes not really out for good. she went last semester, but shes taking this semester off. i know this from before, not today. i need a semester off. or 2. or 49...

i went to lane 4. its a little more exciting than those ones all the way at the end. some guy needed balloons but tasha got them for me instead of christine. it was pretty busy. when im on the end i mostly just bag for other people and ignore my register. i dont really know why they bother to have so many casheirs becuase they never use them. but today i was flying through customers and practically an hour before my first break, christine came out to take money out of my drawer becuase someone from the cash office noticed that i had way too much by then. i stand to one side and ring up the customers and she stands close to me, by the register and collects my money and charge slips and checks. i can smell her and she smells good...

christine finds some piece of paper on the floor that lists a bunch of sexual favors. she asks beep 'did this fall out of your pocket, beep?' beep's like 'no,' and they read it and laugh at it. (btw, beep isnt her name. thats my fault. i dont know what her real real name is, but people called her bee before i showed up. her name tag says bee p, becuase p is her last initial and stockers and dairy people have their last initials on their name tags. but my first day there, i didnt know any of that, and she was on register and i got food stamps, turned around, and asked her how to do it. and later when christine was cleaning out my drawer, she aksed if i had done the food stamps myself, and i told her no, beep helped me. becuase thats what i thought her name was. christine thought this was hilarious and told bee. bee thought it was funny, and told all her stocker freinds. so everywhere else in her life, shes still just bee, but at big bear, shes beep.) but now beep's on 5 and im just watching this, wishing christine was over here laughing with me about whatevers on this paper. and i ring up my customers, still watching them laugh and look at this paper. i think christine might notice me watching, becuase when shes done laughing with beep, she comes over to me, still smiling, and says 'hey loser, did this come from your pocket?' and shows it to me and i laugh and say no. and wonder if she only did that becuase i looked like i felt left out. if so, it was still nice, but i feel dumb.

i take my first break and tommy is up there, actually on break this time. of course, by the time i get there, his break is supposed to be ending, but he stays until mine is over anyway. he tells me about how his soccer team got crushed and i talk about my first ever soccer game, when i scored a goal for the other team. i feel relaxed, like i dont have to worry about what he thinks at all. just like talking to my friends, only it makes me happier that i feel this way talkng to him becuase hes not my freind, hes just some random guy who i hardly know.

after break they put me on express. i like express becuase you get more people who need balloons or cigarettes and you run out of change more often. but fucking rhonda is coordinator today and she doenst let me take a step out of my little cashier hole. every time i go to move, she comes running out of nowhere - 'you need change, loser? ill get it' and galliantly goes on up to the service desk and asks christine for change, oblivious to me standing back there scowling at her. seriously, i would have been up there at least 10 times, but that bitch steps in all but once, and the one time i make it up there, tashas the one whos not busy, and she helps me. by the time its 8, im exhausted. i lean up in the little corner between the belt and the register, trying to hide from customers so i can just rest. this awful sleeping schedule is starting to catch up with me. anyway, you can imagine my happiness when rhonda finally goes home at 8:30. of course, thats mighty short-lived, becuase around 8:45, tyrone comes in for his 9-5 and goes straight to the service desk to talk to christine. at 8:47, i run out of dimes. fuck. i shuffle on up there slowly. i dont particularly want to interrupt christine and tyrone, and im tired enough that i dont even really want to be moving. i slide the bill across the counter and say 'dimes please.' christine says i look dead. i say 'im sleepy.' she says she knows the feeling and tyrone teases her 'aww you got no excuse, youve been sitting around doing nothing all day, while losers been in class working all day.' i say actually, i didnt go to any classes today. christine laughs at him, and he protests and tells me 'hey, you were supposed to just jump on the bandwagon and say you were, see, i gave you the perfect opportunity!' christine says 'no, see, we stick together' and then says 'way to go loser' to me. and i feel good becuase she told me way to go. and becuase she said we stick together. which we dont, really. mostly i just like to tell the truth when theres no good reason to lie, becuase i have to lie enough as it is... but i can pretend that i said it becuase we 'stick together.' so even though shes still talking to tyrone, im happy becuase at least shes talking nice to me too. and im to tired to think in too much more detail than that.

i get my break late, and jim comes up with me. he says hes probably due for a break anyway. he might be quitting becuase he is graduating and he thinks maybe he should focus on his classes his last year in college, instead of working so much. i tell him he shouldnt quit becuase who would i take breaks with? i really would miss him if he quit. not like i would miss christine if she quit, but i would miss him anyway. hes so freindly and easy to talk to. tommy, who is upstairs for some good reason this time, keeps popping by the door and flipping us the bird. its an ongoing thing with me and tommy, giving each other the finger, ever since like my second week here when he did and i said 'hey, dont do that.' big mistake. but at least it gives us something to joke about. and its funny when ann is standing right there, and he walks by, scratching his face with his middle finger, for my benefit.

then break's over and im back to 4 again. around 10, i discover (or perhaps rediscover, becuase im sure ive noticed this before) that you can sit in the little thing that holds your plastic bags. so im half-asleep in it when christine and tyrone head by and she says 'hey loser, wake up.' i turn to look at her and she grins and says its ok for me to leave now... i look up and its 5 after 11, and i was off at 11. so was she. i laugh at myself. 'yeah, good point' i say. and tell her bye. and she says bye.

then i go upstairs and get my stuff and go by dairy on my way out to see if my favorite chip dip is on sale (its not) but mostly just to say bye to jim, becuase i still have like 20 minutes before i have to head to the bus stop. i leave early anyway, and christine and tyrone are standing outside at christine's car. tyrone is on break and shes leaving, and theyre just talking. i feel fucking dumb, walking across the side half of the parking lot, which is completely empty except for them. but im not going to take the long way to the bus stop just to avoid them, so i keep walking. i cant decide if i should look at them or not, so i just go back and foth, looking then not looking, then looking again. tyrone says something to her about taking me home and i pretend i dont hear becuase hes not talking to me. she answers him, that i wont let her. he protests so she calls 'hey loser.' i turn and say what. she says 'do you want a ride home?' i say 'no.' (that sounds rude but its not. shes used to me saying no to that. we had this discussion way earlier, when she first found out that i either walked or took the bus. i figure that im not a charity case, and its not anyone else's responsibility to make sure i get home ok becuase im an adult. and i dont like to feel dependant on other people. and i dont want them to waste money on gas to get me where im going, but i know nobodys going to take gas money for giving me a ride home even if i offer. so i just avoid rides altogether becuase it makes me feel awkward. and i especially avoid rides when i could take the bus anyway, becuase the bus is public transportation, free with my student id, so i may as well take advantage of it. she gave me a ride once, when it was fucking 20 below with the windchill, snowing like crazy and i missed the last bus by 3 hours. she said there was no way she was letting me walk home in this, and basically made me ride with her. i cant say i minded all that much. it was cold, and it IS christine we're talking about here. anyone else and i probably would have refused anyway, but i gave in without much of a fight to her.) yeah, so back to the original topic... christine knows most my feelings on this subject, and if she knows the bus still comes, she doesnt even offer a ride any more. but tyrone doesnt know and he says 'come on, you know youd rather have a ride.' i say no i wouldnt. she says 'see?' to him. he says 'shes going that way anyway.' i reply 'yeah, well, so's the bus.' that makes christine laugh, like a real laugh, not like a laughing-at-a-7-year-old laugh, which is my high for the night. she says 'she got you there' to tyrone, and he gives up and says ok ok. and im walking away but she calls after me 'you work tomorrow?' i say yeah. she says 'see you tomorrow!' all cheerful and i say 'see ya.' and im feeling pretty good. she may be all happy when shes with tyrone, but at least she still has time for me when shes talking to him. thats more than i can say for my roommates and half my freinds. when theyre with whatever guy they like at the moment, i dont even exist.

so i sit in the bus stop reliving these short conversations in my mind and replaying christines real laugh (i said something funny :-)!) in my mind, with this cheesy smile on my face... i almost miss the bus when it comes by. i usually get up and wait by the sign so the driver can see me, but today im too busy daydreaming and half-napping becuase im still tired to think about that. so it comes barrelling on by and i jump up off the bench and start after it, and it stops, 100 feet after the actual bus stop. the driver apologizes.

the random girl who i met at the bus stop the other day is on the bus and when i pass her, she says hi and i say hi back and i am again happy. maybe i like christine better than any random stranger, but i really dont mind the bus all that much. when you see the same faces over and over on the bus, you feel kinda like you all have some special bond. or maybe im just tired and not making much sense. thats probably more likely.

so ive got a big mech eng project due friday that i havent started yet, mostly becuase starting it means first acquiring the knowlegde from the first 4 chapters of my extremely boring textbook. i guess there were 2 ways to acquire this knowledge (go to class or read the book), but its a little late for class, so at this point, i have to read the book. and my mech eng book is boring as hell. tomorrow my first class isnt til 1, so i really am planning on going to it. im gonna read a little mech eng while this peppy 80s mix of styx and survivor and bananarama and shit plays and hope it keeps me awake until ive accomplished a little something.