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i am scaring myself i dont know where my parents are or when theyre going to come home but here i am anyway. i cant help it. im addicted.

i got my job back at kroger. it was pretty much accidental. i went up there just to check out the situation and the manager saw me and asked if i was coming back. i wasnt sure yet-i was still trying to see what holly was thinking. im afraid of her. im afraid of everyone. so i told him i had this internship, and right now i didn't think i'd be able to work during the week becuase of it, so i was going to wait and see how that went before i got in over my head. he said they'd be glad to have me for just weekends, even if i only wanted to work just one day a week, that would be fine too. the managers love me. what can i say? so i said ok. today i had to go up there becuase we needed milk and my mom sent me. holly was there. i saw her car. i wanted to avoid her becuase i think she thought i was working too hard to see her before, and i don't want her to think that again. i was up there about every time she was, and at first she would greet me cheerfully, but i think after a while, she started to think it was a bit too much for coincidence, and started treating me kind of strange. and a few of her friends up there started treating me strangely too. but i was up there, and her freinds were all back to normal, it seemed. i took my milk to the express lane becuase the others were really long, and holly was working it. molly (the front end manager) was talking to me the whole time about my availability, becuase she wanted to put me on the schedule, but didn't want to schedule me for too much, so she was trying to figure out just what i wanted. i didn't speak to holly until i was almost done paying. she asked 'you're coming back here? what for?' i had to come up with something as far away from stalking her as i could, so i told her 'i gotta do something with myself or i'll get bored. and i like money.' she rolled her eyes, gave me my change, and i thanked her and left. i can't tell from that if it's ok or not, but i'm back. jumping in before i know what i'm getting into. it'll be ok though. the old people like me. i just need a distraction anyway. and i'll have this internship too. it starts this monday. plus holly's going away to school early in august, i think. she keeps saying she's going to quit towards the beginning of the summer, so she can have a break before she has to go to school and start working hard at it. so maybe i won't have to deal with her much at all. maybe that would bother me and i hope she doesn't quit. maybe i'm trying to type really fast becuase i'm afraid my parents will show up, so pardon me for anything that doesn't make any sense or sounds like rambling because it probably is.

thursday i'm going to columbus and so far i've managed to convince cindy that it fits best in our schedule to go to big bear for my pay check around 5 or so. but i've made up the schedule and we haven't checked with abby or nikki or stephanie, who are all supposed to be part of whatever we wind up doing. i need to see christine. she is fading. i used to be able to shut my eyes and see her and hear her and smell her, and it's getting harder. her face is fading. there's fuzzy spots. i can still see her back if i try though, her a register in front of me, scanning groceries. i miss her. i even miss jeff and jim. i went out and bought whitney houston's greatest hits for the sole purpose of having i will always love you on cd. well, that and becuase i figure if she's christine's 'girl' then i better have a cd by her. shes gunna become my girl too. it shoudln't be that much of a stretch. i liked whitney houston before all this.

k well i'll probably be checking in periodically, now that i've figured out how to defeat the system. but i think from now on, i'll try to do it when i know about when my parents are going to be home becuase this is scary.

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lol... cool your back now I know I have ppl reading my thing! haha well ya ttyl!

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