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my gay day
i frustrate myself. i am 300% gay. i'm so gay that i'm not anything else. if i wasn't gay, i wouldn't even exist. i'm sick of it...

i woke up and went to the store with molly. marie was there and i love her. every time i see her, i just want to stay with her... and today, it's not even sexual. i'm not in that sort of mood... i just want a repeat of that very small conversation we had last night. i want her to remind me that she knows i'm gay. i want to talk about it with her. it's scary, and it makes my stomach all jumbly, but it's good, like a haunted house. you're scared, but you're still having fun. i don't want to talk about it... but i do. i like being with her because she's not afraid to bring up my sexuality, but she's considerate enough to do it only when nobody else can hear.
terrie said hi to us. so did lots of other people, but i remarked to molly, 'that was nice of terrie,' and i said nothing of the sort for anybody else. why is terrie special? because she's gay, naturally...

i went to the post office to pick up the cookies my parents sent me. it's in the middle of the gay section of downtown, and i drove by shops with rainbows in the windows, wishing i had the guts to go inside... and then wondering what's so great about a rainbow, anyway.

i went to target to get a game for my gamecube. i got the one that has like 7 different sonic games, because i loved sonic for the sega genesis. then i went to borders, which was next door. i wanted to see what the gay/lesbian section looked like, but i didn't want people to think i was gay, so i wasted 20 minutes pretending to look around the rest of the store. i picked up books and stared at the pages for long periods of time, so people would think i was reading. then i went to the lesbian section, and saw a book about coming out of the closet. i went two sections over (the computer section) to look at it, and stuck it in a c++ for dummies book. i skimmed the first two sections, about coming out to yourself, and coming out to other gay people. that's the part i've got almost under control, and i wanted to keep reading, but i felt like everybody who walked by me was looking over my shoulder, because they all wanted to know what i was hiding in my c++ book... so i snuck the book back into its spot, put back the c++ book, and quickly left the store.

then i went to the mall. i need to do christmas shopping, but i'm going home next week, and that'll be a good excuse to get out of the house. today, i wanted to shop for me, and i wanted to buy stuff that my family wouldn't want to know about.
i bought some boys' pants. i wanted boys pants because:
they're comfortable
i like having cargo pockets
i need new pants and girls' pants are too tight for my liking, and they're never long enough.
so i went to american eagle and tried on some boys' pants, but the whole time, i was terrified that people were watching me, and thinking i was a lesbian. when i went up to pay for them, there were a bunch of people around, and i asked for a gift reciept, so nobody would think i was buying them for myself. he asked if i wanted a gift box, and i said yeah.

then i went to fye. first i checked to see if they had t.a.t.u.'s single. they did. then i checked to see if they had 'but i'm a cheerleader' because i want to see that movie, and i'm about 99% sure that once i see it, i'll want to buy it. i went to check out, but then i realized that my purchases made me look like a lesbian, so i went back and picked out two more dvds that i didn't really want, just so my purchases would look less gay. then i spent 10 minutes deciding which order to put them in. i didn't want to have the two gay purchases close to each other... but i didn't want a gay thing first or last, because first and last are what people remember. finally, i settled on the cd on top (since it was smaller, and it makes sense that way), then a straight dvd, then my gay dvd, and then the last straight dvd. the guy who checks me out looks sort of thuggish, and i hope that maybe he doesn't know that the two gay things are gay.

i go home and on my way in, i throw away the gift box and gift receipt. then i come upstairs and hide 'but i'm a cheerleader'. i'll watch it sometime when molly's not around, and then i'll put it back in hiding. i put the other two dvds downstairs with the rest of our movies.

now, i'm preparing to go back to work to visit marie (who i like because she's bi and she knows i'm gay) and g (who i like because she is gay). why does everything have to be so gay????

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(Deleted comment)
just keep telling myself that... it will get easier.

it's not actually that bad, it's just that i'm sick of that little 'gay voice' in the back of my head... everywhere i go, the gay voice is right there, telling me that every single thing i do somehow ties into my sexuality... don't get boys' pants; they'll call you butch. don't get girls' pants; you're a lesbian-you should be wearing boys' pants. be careful, because no matter what pants you buy, it's going to become a reflection of your sexuality... i just want to scream... dude, shut up! there's no statement to be made, here. i just need to buy some pants!

right. and i'm done talking about the voices in my head, now...

Dude, I stumbled across your entry in the lesbian community about being "too gay" so I clicked over to your journal, and I so totally loved this entry because it TOTALLY, TOTALLY describes me. I have done everything you said in here many times. Here's some highlights from my list:
-I've actually stood in a religion aisle at Borders before pretending to be engrossed in books about Christianity just so I could peek over to the titles of the gay/les books in the next aisle (funny how those aisles were next to each other...)
-In the video store, I've looked at the covers of gay movies sideways, and then quickly grabbed the one I wanted, always checking it out with other really non-gay stuff and hoping the person checking it out didn't know the title was something gay. I usually check out stuff about gay guys anyway, but never lesbians, so that way even if they know they might just think I am a "fag hag" and not actually gay.
-One summer I found out that there was a gay pride parade near me, so I went down and drove around the block, predenting like I was just an "innocent straight onlooker." I would never dare to actually get out of the car.
-I buy almost all clothes from Target, where I can quickly grab something from the men's section and then run into the dressing room before anyone sees me, and no salespeople try to help you *shudder* I hate that. I feel uncomfortable in the guys section because I feel people will look at me and think I am a lesbian, but yet I feel uncomfortable in the girls section too because I have this irrational fear that people will see through me and think something like "who is she trying to kid, we can see what she is" even though outwardly I probably look like any other girl there.

Anyway, the list goes on and on, but I just wanted to say thanks for this entry - I've only known a few gay people but most of them were really out and unobsessed so I thought I was the only person on the planet who did crazy stuff like above.

P.S. I am totally getting the Tatu CD when it comes out on Tuesday...yay even though I'll have to make a "gay" purchase...bla oh well

your gay pride parade reminded me of probably the worst thing like that i've ever done...
there were chalkings all over campus about this big meeting, where they were going to discuss how god loved gays too. it was the first time i realized that there was a gay group on campus, and at the time, i was really struggling with the whole religion thing. more than anything, i wanted to go. unfortunately, that same night, i had a group meeting for one of my classes AND i had to work, at the same time. i told my group that i couldn't work on the project, and they would have to do it without me, becuase i had to work. i told my work that i'd be late tonight because i had to work on a group project for school. then i went to the building where the meeting was going to be held... and i was too scared to go inside. i sat outside, and watched a million students going in and out (it was a big building; there was a lot more happening than just that one meeting). i sat outside the building for nearly two hours, missing both schoolwork and work, and i didn't see or hear a single gay thing. i guess it was enough for me to just stare at the people, thinking, 'i bet half the people walking through these doors are gay.'

and i'm definitely getting that cd too, but i've already started making a list of other cds i can buy. i'll get guns n roses for my dad, ludacris for my sister, and b2k... yeah, i'll make this purchase look un-gay, if it's the last thing i do...

Wow, yeah, that's pretty bad, doing all that just to see "maybe gay" people...I totally understand though.

Heh, I was also thinking yesterday that I could use the Tatu CD as an excuse to buy some other CDs that I have always sort of wanted but didn't really want that much to spend the money on...but if it's for creating a non-gay purchase it's always a good cause. I also strategically waited to buy things like soap and shampoo so I can delay it until Tuesday for further purchase dilution if they have the CD at Target.

Haha, it's feels funny to finally say this crazy stuff like this to another person that I always think in my head but would never divulge...

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