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yeah, it's more gay thoughts...
stupidfool
i watched 'but i'm a cheerleader.' it was a good movie, and i wish i had my own graham...

but i'm sick of being gay. or really, that's not quite it. i'm not sure how to say it... so can i talk about terrie for a while? as a person, terrie is not that great. she's a little too bitter, a little too blunt, a little too rude... but as a lesbian, i think she's the greatest.

first, she's not particularly butch or femme, and she doesn't seem to be too concerned about being one or the other. i know that if you take any lesbian, and ask them if lesbians have to be butch or femme, they'll say no... but it still seems like there's a lot of pressure to identify as one of the other. i'm not even out of the closet, and i'm already feeling like i need to become either more butch or more femme... i feel like i'll never be able to find a girlfriend who wants a half-n-half. it seems like everybody is either attracted to butch girls or to femme girls. nobody ever says, 'ya know, i'm really attracted to lesbians who can't make up their minds.'
terrie, if she feels this way, doesn't let it get to her. she's got the butch walk, with that swagger... but it's barely noticeable. she refuses to carry a purse, but she always wears make-up. her hair is long, but she wears it up a lot. she wears girls pants, but they're baggy, like carpenter jeans or cargo pants. her take on sex (in response to my question, which was, 'did this receipt come from the top or the bottom' [of the pile i was holding]: 'top is good. so is bottom. switch it up a little, you know? top one night, bottom the next... and if i'm feeling adventurous, a little of each, all in one night.'

she's completely open about her sexuality. ask her, and she won't deny it. talk to her, and she won't avoid the subject. watch her with her girlfriend, and she's not trying to hide that they're together. (or, if you prefer, watch her with jacqui, and see how unabashedly she stares.)

but, at the same time, she never makes it into more than it is. her car is free of bumper stickers, and i've never seen her with pride anything. she's not shove-it-in-your-face gay. [if you need proof of that, just remember that i worked with her for slightly over a year, without having any idea that she was gay... of course, in that year, i think i spoke to her about three times. (hey, she was rude and bitter... why would i want to talk to her any more than i had to?)] she's perfectly capable of having conversations that don't involve sexuality. she spent weeks talking about the surprise birthday party she was throwing for her dad. she loves cats. she loves to paint, and sometimes she'll bring in parts of a portfolio (or some real big folder; i'm not sure that's what you call it) and show it off. when she gets pictures of things she's painted, she loves showing them to you. she likes to cook, and to decorate. she loves kids, especially jane's little boy, and she babysits him every chance she gets.
sure, she's a lesbian... but she's also an animal-lover and an artist and a daughter and a friend...

and lately, i'm just feeling like the opposite of that. i'm a lesbian... and i'm also a lesbian... and, well, i'm a lesbian. i feel like i lost the rest of my identity somewhere back in high school, or at the beginning of college. i got here, and i fell in love with alana, couldn't handle it, so i got a job to escape my sexuality, and i wound up escaping everything but that. i used to be an athlete, but i don't have time for sports any more. i used to be a musician, and i would play the piano all the time, but now the only piano is far away, and i never feel like taking the time to go over there. i used to go out with my friends, but i was never free, and my friends got tired of waiting, and moved on. i used to be a hip-hop head. i subscribed to vibe and the source and xxl, and my friends came to me for all the info. i knew the underground artists, and the up-and-coming artists, and all the new music... but knowing all that took up too much time. when i started working, i canceled my subscriptions. i used to read, on occasion, just for fun. nothing heavy, but if harry potter had come out while i was still in high school, i probably would have read it. i don't think i've read a book since high school. hell, i used to be a lego maniac. legos were like therapy, and when i got free time, i would just build something. i still like legos, just like i still like music, and i still like sports... it's just that somehow, i wind up choosing between building with legos or being a lesbian... going outside and juggling my soccer ball, or staying inside and being a lesbian... downloading new music, or being a lesbian... and being a lesbian always wins. maybe i'm watching tv for signs of lesbianism, or maybe i'm surfing the internet for gay websites, or maybe i'm writing about being gay in my lj, or maybe i'm downloading tegan and sara, or maybe i'm just laying around, daydreaming about marie... whatever i'm doing, it's always gay.

and i can just see myself, when i finally manage to come out of the closet. i'll say, just like all the books and websites say to do it, 'but i'm still the same person you've always known... it's just that now, you know i'm a lesbian.'
oh, so you still like playing sports?
'well, no, i quit sports to become a lesbian.'
hmmm... but you're still a musician, right?
'actually, i stopped playing because it took too much time away from my lesbianism. but besides that, i'm the same person.'
i see... so what's new on the hip-hop scene?
'hip-hop? come on, i'm gay... i gave that up.'
read any good books lately?
'only the gay ones...'
how are katie and nikki?
'i don't know. if i have time to go see somebody, i usually wind up stalking somebody gay.'
right... so what, exactly, is the same about you?
'uhhh... i've still got the same name...'

i know it's ok to be proud of who you are, and i know that when you're still closeted, it's normal to want to find out more... but i think i'm taking it too far. i think i'm addicted to gayness, or something. lately, i've been making a concerted effort to change that. i make sure that i write non-gay entries in my lj (and i make most of the gay ones either friends-only or private). i force myself to play video games in my spare time, even when i'd rather do gay things. the trip to the store yesterday was an attempt to get me out of the house, so i would stop feeling so gay (it failed miserably). despite my best efforts, i think i get gayer every day. i don't know how to stop myself...

so i was thinking that maybe if i come out of the closet, and am forced to talk about it, and be way gayer than i want to be, then maybe when it's all over, i won't be quite so gay. hence, the entry about coming out to my parents. is that not the most backwards reason for coming out? i want to tell people that i'm gay so i can be less gay... aurgh. i'm gay.

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Well I can't really talk since I'm the same way, but I think it does have a lot to do with being closeted. I mean, in a bunch of my psych classes we always talk about (not related to being gay, but in general) how if someone tells you *not* to think about something it's virtually impossible to actually not think about it.
Like, try this right now: Whatever you do, don't think about white bears.
See, you thought about it, right?

So, obviously if you're trying to hide something from the world and trying not to think about it, obviously you're going to think about it more. Quitting all your other activities can't really help either, since you've got nothing else to do but think about it. If it's any reassurance, I've actually gotten a LOT better lately (most of the examples from my other comment were from the last two years when I did no extracurricular activities and only thought about being gay all the time.) Now I still think about it obsessively whenever I have a crush or am in a situation that would make my gayness salient to me (e.g. at a party where all the straight people are getting it on), but besides that there's whole spans of....minutes that I actually don't think about being gay!

I think coming out of the closet can work to make you less gay. But only if it's in the right circumstances. I "selectively" came out last year, but it didn't really work because the way people reacted just made me feel weird and gay every time I was around them (they didn't really react badly per se, but it was just sort of "oh" and awkward. So eventually I just got new friends and "went back in" the closet.) I guess it really just has to be the right environment.

And for the record, I am *always* attracted to the "in between" girls as far as butch/femme goes. Except that they are always straight. Minor detail, ahh!

If you don't mind, I'll probably add you to my friends list - despite the fact that you want to make your journal less gay, I like reading your "gay" entries. :)

Quitting all your other activities can't really help either, since you've got nothing else to do but think about it.
yeah, that's a good point. i've been thinking about getting involved in something... but when i run through a mental list of all the things i could do or groups i could join, the only thing that sounds interesting is joining the gay/straight alliance on campus. it might be good for me, but i don't really think it would do much in the way of taking my mind off my sexuality...

And for the record, I am *always* attracted to the "in between" girls as far as butch/femme goes.
yay!
Except that they are always straight.
wow, you just reminded me of something... i haven't been attracted to a straight girl in a long time! that's super! i'm so busy being attracted to every single lesbian i meet that i don't really have much time left over to pine for straight girls...

no, i don't mind if you add me. i'll add you back... but just to warn you, i can get kinda long-winded...

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