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I STILL HATE
stupidfool
you know what else i hate? i hate fucking losers who think that i am whatever music i enjoy. i'm sitting at the lunch table at my awful internship with a bunch of people i hardly know, and this black girl starts talking about the bet awards ceremony the other night. i was like yeah, i saw that, i loved that whitney got an award. the whole table goes silent and they all stare at me. finally the black girl (sorry, i don't know her name, and after this conversation, i can't say that i care to learn it) just says 'YOU watched the bet awards?' i say yeah. every single person at this table, white and black alike, are wrinkling their noses like they just smelled something rancid. she goes 'i suppose you listen to rap music too.' i say yeah, sometimes. then the girl says, in this snotty voice, 'don't tell me you're one of those white girls that tries to be black...' what the fuck? no, i don't try to be black! god knows i have enough trouble trying to be straight! i'm perfectly happy just being white, but i happen to like rap and r&b. i like 'white people' music too. who the fuck cares? would this chick tell anyone who liked jennifer lopez that they were trying to be puerto rican? or how about lou bega fans? they're all trying to be german, right? i think there's something in the water around here, honest to god, becuase everyone else at the table is just agreeing with her. i don't know how to answer. i know if i try to tell her how little sense she's making, i will mess up the words. i always mess up the words. so i don't even try. i bite my tongue and finish my lunch and let them all look at me in disdain for being 'a white girl who tries to be black.' and i hate. i hate them. i hate my internship. i hate sitting still. i hate that by the time i leave this place, i'm so full of hate that i have no hope of enjoying the rest of my day. i come home and my family avoids me. my hands stay clenched in fists and my jaw is tense and i just want to break shit. i want to hurt things. i hate being cooped up inside for 8.5 hours a day, at a little desk, in a little cubicle, with little-minded neighbors. i hate hating. i hate my internship. i HATE IT!