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i like things that go in order, because you can always find a first, and a first should be special. pretend i'm old, like 10 years from now, and i'm looking back on things.

christine was my first time out of the closet, and it still makes me all happy smiley, because christine was special. christine will always be special.

terrie was the first lesbian i've ever met, and it still makes me feel warm and fuzzy. terrie is neat. terrie will make me smile, forever.

marie was my first kiss, and, now that she's not a major part of my life, i'll find myself thinking, 'i can't believe i let myself fall for that ho... what was i thinking?'

which is fucked up. because i don't like her, now. i like that i can be myself around her, but that's it. i don't like how she treats me, and i don't like how she plays with my head, and i don't like how she treats other people, and i don't like how she flirts with the world, and i don't like her work ethic, and i don't like it when she physically hurts me. so if you hear me say all this, and then you watch me with her, and see how i smile, and see how i laugh, and listen to me tell her how i missed her, and tell her how i like her, you'd think i was the one playing. you'd think i was trying trying to play her... like i just wanted sex, and was trying to make her think i liked her.... but that's not right.

because i'm not like that, first. i don't just have sex, wherever. i'm not a ho and i'm not a slut. i wouldn't sleep with kinitra, or g, or jacqui, even though they're hot. i wouldn't even sleep with christine or terrie (but i would like to cuddle with them). and i would never go out somewhere, and bring some new lesbian home, and have sex with her. casual sex is not my thing. in fact, right now, the only person i would even consider having sex with is marie... i'm not a ho... i hate marie and want to sleep with her... what does that make me?

and second, because i'm not trying to fool her. somewhere between here and marie, i fool myself into thinking i like her, and when i make her think i like her, it's 200% sincere. by the time i get to her, i do like her. all the fooling has already been done, somewhere inside of me. she tricks me into liking her. i help her trick me into liking her. then, since i've already been tricked, i trick her into thinking i like her, only it's not a trick. it's fucked up, is all. it makes no sense.