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the gay conversation with my parents.
on monday, marie informed me that her mom is freaking out about her moving out again. something about the scholarship, or freshman forgiveness, where she has to be living at home for it to hold. she said i can't turn in the applications yet, and she's going to find out.

then i talked to my parents. i didn't cry, and i told the truth, and i stood my ground, but it really didn't go very well. i'm not sure if either of them believe me.

first came my dad. he wanted to know why i ran away, so i tried to tell him the grilled cheese story, and how it scared me into sending the e-mail, but he doesn't even let me get to the sending the e-mail part. and every time i bring up being gay (even though being gay is an integral part of why i wound up running away), he says, 'we'll talk about that later. for now, just tell me why you ran away for so long.' but i can't tell the story because he won't let me. he keeps interrupting and lecturing, and jumping to conclusions. he decides that i ran away because marie was teasing me. he tries to tell me that if i don't like it in columbus, he and my mom will help me, if i need to move, or to switch schools, and if i need more money to pay for a place to live in a different city while i finish school there, they could help me with that. and i try to tell him that i like it here, but he says i can't, or why would i have ran away? finally, i just explode, 'dad! i ran away from you!'
and then he's quiet for a little, and i think he's hurt, and he says, 'but honey, i love you. why would you run away from me? don't you know that?'
so then i had to backtrack, and tell him that it wasn't just him; it was everybody who got that e-mail, and he cuts me off with, 'we'll talk about that e-mail later. for now, i just want to understand why you ran away.'
it was frustrating. but eventually, i guess he decides that it's later, and he talks about the e-mail. basically, he tells me that other people have talked me into it. he thinks it's a choice i'm making because i see so many people around me, being gay. and he tells me that there are lots of things to think about, like what about having kids. he says, at least 5 times, that i'm making it really hard on myself. and i keep telling him that it's not a choice, and i can't help it. and he agrees, sort of. he says, 'if you really are that way, it's not a choice,' and 'if you really are that way, then no, you can't help it.' but you can tell that he's trying to say that i'm not really that way. people who are really that way can't help it, but i'm not that way. i'm just easily influenced...
i try to tell him that i've known forever, since 4th grade, but he says he didn't like girls in 4th grade, so how could i have? i tell him that i didn't like them then like i like them now, but i still knew. he probably knew he was straight, even if he didn't like girls. he says he doesn't know about that.
then he tries to tell me that i haven't met the right guy yet, and that i haven't even tried dating guys, so how do i know i won't like it? i say i just know. he persists, 'but have you ever dated a guy?'
'no,' i reply in frustration, 'have you?!?!'
'that's different,' he tells me.
that's about all he said, really. he just keeps lecturing, that i have to think this over, and that it's going to be hard for me if i make this choice.
then he talks about taxes for a while (i don't know what i'm going to do about udf), and then, before he lets my mom have a turn, he closes with, 'i really think that you should be sure about this before you start talking to people about it.'
so i told him, 'i agree. that's why i waited until now.'
he laughed and told me i was persistant...

then it was my mom's turn. she avoided the subject for a while, and then she started in with a lecture. she talked about how when she was in high school, she wasn't boy-crazy, and she didn't understand why girls would swoon over movie stars. and it wasn't until she got to college and started dating that she understood what was so great about guys, but even then, she didn't feel the need to be constantly talking about them, and giggling and flirting and stuff. she says it's easy to feel different if you're not boy-crazy, but just because you haven't been attracted to guys doesn't mean that you're attracted to girls. i tell her i know. she asks, 'so are you attracted to girls?'
i say yes.
she's silent for quite a while, and then she says quietly, 'well, i was never attracted to girls. so maybe it's different,' and then right away, she changes the subject to kroger. she talks about how i need to get a real job for a while, and then she starts telling me how kroger is like a cult! a big gay cult, and i'm around it so much that i have to emulate it. she talks about how cults prey on people just like me, who are quiet and easily influenced. she says that if i could get away from kroger, i would realize that gay isn't the only way to be, and then i would be straight. she goes on and on about her cult theory, and finally i get so frustrated that i actually say the words. i explode, 'mom! kroger is not all gay! there are gay people, and there are straight people. the reason kroger is so great is because the gay people are content to let the straight people be straight, and the straight people are content to let the gay people be gay. nobody forces anybody into anything, but everybody is accepting of everybody else. i could fit in there if i was straight just as easily as i could fit in now!'
she pauses, and then asks, 'so this doesn't have anything to do with marie?'
'have what to do with her?' then i think about kyle and stretch the truth a little, and say, 'she's not even gay. she has a boyfriend.'
'she has a boyfriend?!?'
'oh.' oh. there goes that theory....
she asks if marie knows, and i say yes. she asks in amazement, 'and she still wants to live with you?'
'yeah...' sometimes, i just don't get it. don't gay people deserve roommates too? why wouldn't she want to live with me? i mean, it's different if you hate gays, but if you're open-minded, is there any good reason for you not to live with a lesbian? i'm contagious? i'll try to convert her? i don't get it...
then she asks, 'are you sexually active?'
holy shit, is that a question you want your mother to ask you? because i sure didn't feel too comfortable with that question. i thought about that night with marie, decided it didn't count (because what, exactly, constitutes sexual activity? i honestly don't know.), and answered, 'no.'
she said, 'good,' and she sounded pretty relieved. and then she repeated again, 'good. keep it that way.'
'ok,' i agree. whatever. just so we can stop talking about sex...
she says the same thing about if i need to move, she and dad will help me. i tell her the same thing i told him. i like being here.
so then she winds down with another 'stay in school and get a good job' lecture, and finally she says she'll let me go.

and then it's over, and i'm upset that they don't believe me. it's odd (as t4 points out) that i should feel this way, because when i sent the e-mail, i just wanted to take it back, and to make them think it wasn't true. and now they're telling me that they think it's not true, but instead of being relieved, i'm upset. it's just that i went through so much in the past 4 days... i put up with all that fear, and all those tears, and all those sleepless nights, just so my parents can tell me that kroger is a cult and i'm straight. it's just frustrating, that's all.

but i guess i don't blame them. i've been dealing with this for 21 years, and for a long time, i said it wasn't true... and to them, it's brand new. even when i tell them that i've known forever, it's got to be a hard thing for them to comprehend... because they've known me for as long as i've known me... so how could i know something about myself that they don't know? maybe if i give them time, they will come around...

i talked to t4 online for a while. and then i went downstairs and cooked myself some chicken. i opened my new ddr pad, and it's broken too. 2 out of the 3 pads they've sent me have not worked, which seems odd to me... but i got out the one that worked, and i played for a while. i practiced 'i like to move it' in training mode, slowed down so i could get the steps, and then i played it a bunch of times in game mode, until i improved my score from d all the way up to a. then i did a little more lj-ing, showered, and went to bed.

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I don't have time to say anything else (class, the band of my existence...)

but - it's broken again?!?!
Man, I feel bad for recommending those pads now...but mine weren't broken! I don't know why yours were...at least you have one though!

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