Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
please, read this and tell me what you think...
dear mom and dad,

you say i'm unhappy, and i think that's odd, because i'm probably happier than i've been in a long time. but i guess to understand that, we have to back it up to the beginning. so i'll tell you the story from the start, which is how i should have done it in the first place. (i'm typing it because i can write more coherently than i can talk, and because it's much harder for you to get upset and interrupt me this way.) you might not believe me. you might just say that the gay kroger cult has programmed me to think all this, and while i know that's false, i can't really prove you wrong. i can't prove most of the events, and i can't prove any of my thoughts. all i can say is that just because i don't tell you i'm thinking it doesn't mean that i'm not. and just because you don't know about it doesn't mean that it's not happening.

first off, i've been gay for as long as i can remember, way before i knew that there was a word for it. as early as 2nd grade, i can remember being different... in fact, ask fly if she remembers jellybeans, and diapers. she might not; she was pretty young... but she might. i was gay, even then. 'homosexual' is a funny word to pick, i think, because i was gay way before it was sexual.

the first time i connected the word to myself was in 4th grade, when i was trying to fall asleep. it was a terrible thought, because 'gay' was bad... i got scared, so i got out of bed, went to the den, and asked you, mom. you said i wasn't, because i didn't want to kiss amber sanders. you say i'm easily influenced, and i guess i was, even then, because i believed you.

i didn't really think about it again until some time around 6th grade. then, i realized that i was turning out gay, and it bothered me a lot. i knew (from my religious magazine) that being gay was bad. in the bible, god punished people by making them gay. i didn't understand it, because i thought i was a good kid. i went to church, i prayed before i ate, i did my homework, and for the most part, i even honored my father and mother. compared to most kids my age, i was an angel, so i didn't see why god would be punishing me, when there were so many better people to punish.

regardless, i decided i would change. i tried even harder to be a good christian, so that god would make me straight. and every night, i prayed to god, and asked him to help me turn straight. when all the girls around me started liking boys, i tried my hardest to like them, too. and when, in 8th grade, katie confided that she liked luke bradley, i told her that i liked chris dempsey. i wasn't lying to her any more than i was lying to myself.
ask miss geig, if you still don't think i've always been gay. it was 8th grade when i realized that she knew. at r.i.s.k., i got upset, and she took me on a walk, and asked open-ended questions. if i hadn't been gay, i wouldn't have known that she was asking if i was. of course, i lied to her like i lied to myself. i acted like i didn't know what she was trying to get at. i told her that nothing was wrong, and i was fine. whether she believed me or not, she let me go back inside.

i went on to high school, and i liked christopher ellis as much as it was possible for me to like a boy... so i told all my friends that i liked him. word got back to him, and he talked to me about the unattainable girls that he had crushes on (it turns out that it wasn't a coincidence that he always picked the ones that he had no chance with). i told people i was disappointed, but really, i was just relieved.

at some point, i realized that nothing i was doing was working. i couldn't change myself... i was gay. i knew i hadn't chosen to be gay. in fact, i had chosen to be straight. being gay just seemed to choose me, and override what i wanted for myself... if i hadn't chosen it, then god had made me this way... but if god made me this way, how can he hate me for being how he made me? he couldn't. it didn't make any sense. i was sure that i hadn't chosen to be gay, but i had no proof that there was a god. so i decided that there wasn't, and i stopped praying.

i still wasn't ready to deal with the fact that i was gay. i thought i could ignore it, and it would become irrelevant. so i kept pretending to like christopher, and i pushed it out of my mind. with sports, band, work, and school, i was busy enough that ignoring it wasn't hard. again, it wasn't like i was trying to fool the world. i was mostly just trying to fool myself.

then came college. suddenly, things slowed down, and i was forced to face it. all around me, girls and boys were pairing up. even alana and molly, who weren't boy-crazy like the rest of them, would occasionally say things to indicate that they liked boys... that they were normal... that i was different... i felt left out, and alone. it seemed i was the only person in the world who felt this way. i thought the world would hate me, if they knew the truth, because i hated myself for the truth. i can't even count the number of times that i hid under my desk, after my roommates had gone to bed, and cried myself to sleep.

and you knew i was unhappy. i said i didn't like college, and everybody wanted to get drunk and party, and i suppose that was part of the problem... but the main problem wasn't that i didn't know any people who liked to have fun without getting drunk; it was just that all the ones i knew were heterosexual. i felt different. i felt unhappy. i was worse than just unhappy. i was depressed. i didn't think that a gay life was a life worth living. i don't know if you know this, but my freshman year, i tried to kill myself, twice. i tried to keep it away from most people... katie knew, i think. ask her; she might tell you. but i acted like it was an accident that a lady had brought me in from the middle of the street, and like the suicide note i left on my computer was just a joke.

anyway, i survived freshman year. i came home for that summer, and i kept busy. away from the dorms, and all those 'normal' people, i was able to ignore it pretty well.

but i came back to school in the fall, and things picked up right where they had left off. i felt alone, different, and unhappy. i tried to kill myself again (this one's on the records in taylor tower, if they kept the file for that long), and when i survived that, i decided that i needed to do something to get away from it. that's when i got the job at kroger. i don't know why i told you i wanted the job, but all i really wanted was a distraction... something to keep me busy, to keep my mind off things.

it worked, at first. i put 100% of my concentration into bagging those groceries. besides christine and jim (i was oblivious to the fact that jim had a crush on me, and he never discussed it... we talked about weird stuff, like toys and games and jokes, and i never really felt different. and christine knew all along, so although she didn't tell me she knew, she never made me feel like anything other than myself... and she thought i was ok.), i pretty much ignored everybody at kroger. i didn't talk to them, i didn't listen to them, and i didn't pay attention to what they were doing. mostly, when i was there, i wasn't worrying about gay or straight, or normal or different. my biggest concern was paper or plastic, and i liked it that way. my schoolwork kept my busy, and kroger scheduled me a few more hours than i had asked for... i didn't have much time to interact with the other kids, or to sit around and hate myself.

one night, shortly after i got the job at kroger, christine gave me a ride home, and we had a long talk about life, death, and suicide. she didn't say that i was gay, or anything like that... but still, i felt like she knew what i was thinking, and like she really understood me. when we got to my dorm, we just sat in the car and kept talking. she made me re-think things, and when i finally got out of the car and went inside that night, i vowed to myself that i would never again think about committing suicide.

after a while of working at kroger, my time management skills improved. about this time, i started researching homosexuality on the internet. i found millions of websites, and i could spend hours absorbed in them... there were message boards, and discussion groups, and i read about all these people who were thinking what i was thinking, and feeling what i was feeling. but when i got off the internet, and went back into real life, it was a big let-down. compared to this wonderful world of acceptance that i saw on the internet, real life was miserable. and, in addition to having time to spend on the internet, i also i found myself with more time to think, and more time to spend in the dorms, and with my straight friends... all of which was depressing to me. i didn't know what to do, besides to run away. so i kept stepping up my hours, and by the time i went home for the summer, i was working almost 40 hours a week.

the summer was pretty uneventful. between the two jobs and spending time with brandy and holly (who, by the way, was very good for me. she's so goofy that it renders her largely asexual, and i never once felt odd or different around her.), i didn't have too much spare time. it turned out that the only time i sat around and thought about things was at that internship, where they never gave me work to do. i would sit at my desk, staring blankly at a program that i had finished writing hours ago, and i would let my mind wander. perhaps this is part of the reason that i hated the job, because several times that summer, i got myself so depressed that i had to leave my desk and go hide in the basement, so my cube-mates wouldn't see me cry.

when i got back to columbus, christine got fired, and jim decided to randomly list off all the non-straight people who worked at kroger... and it was a long list! i realized that perhaps i would have done better to pay attention to my surroundings... so i started watching, and it was an amazing thing. terrie says, 'my girlfriend,' and nobody (except for me) even reacts to that. i looked around me, and realized that this was like my internet world, only it was real. and for the first time, i realized that being gay might not be so bad... for the first time in over 11 years, i felt like maybe i didn't have to hide it... i was still afraid to tell the truth, but i stopped lying, which was a big step for me.

after a while, i started to notice a difference in some of them. they would talk to me, and i would just get the feeling that they knew i was gay. they wouldn't ever come right out and say it, though. nobody forced me to be gay, but nobody assumed me to be straight, either. it was a very nice change.

then came a big mess with terrie and jim and me and christine. that's a long story in and of itself, so i'll save it for next time, if you want to know. but in the process of fixing the mess, i ended up coming out of the closet to christine, and then to jim. (actually, christine sort of dragged me out of the closet, because i wasn't ready to admit it to anybody. and then, because i asked her to, she told jim.) i'm not going to tell you that it made everything better. in fact, for a while, things seemed a whole lot worse. i had kept this secret for so long that having it revealed made me feel violated, and scared. AND jim ignored me for a straight week after it happened. i later found out that it was because of the mess, not because of my secret.

for a while, things were getting better. christine and jim still liked me, and talked to me about it, but they never forced me to discuss it, when i didn't want to.

then came a new year, and things started slipping again. christine wasn't allowed to come to kroger any more, so i didn't get to talk to her. jim transfered, and i didn't get to talk to him. i had my ups and downs. sometimes, i would think about things christine had told me, or i would read things on the internet, or i would watch terrie interact with straight people like they were all the same, and i would feel ok. but sometimes, i would forget all that, and slip back to the old me. i would feel alone, scared and depressed, all over again.

on one of the bad days, i did something which would probably make you pretty mad. i realized that working 40 hours at kroger wasn't enough to take my mind off of it anymore, and i went looking for another job. i got a 2nd job that very day, at udf. i told her i wanted a part-time job, and she gave one to me. i worked 3 days a week there, and 5 days a week at kroger. i didn't have time to get depressed. in fact, between working 60 hours a week, going to school, and studying, i hardly had time to breath. i pulled this off for about a month, and then i realized that no matter what i was running away from, this was too much, and i cut back at both places. i ended up averaging about 45 hours a week, total, which wasn't very different from what i had been doing before.

before, kroger had been my escape from all things gay, but now, kroger was my gay haven.
terrie continued to amaze me, because she was unbelievably blunt and completely candid. she was, in my mind, about 500% gay, and NOBODY cared.
in the same sentence, people would tease nickolas for liking a guy who didn't like him back, and anthony for liking a girl who didn't like him back.
it was amazing to me. for all these years, i hid from myself, ran away from myself, wrestled with myself, hated myself, and tried to kill myself, all because of this huge issue... and now i'm seeing that to all these people, it's a non-issue. it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight or bi... they'll find real reasons to like you (or dislike you), and your sexuality won't matter at all.

i was the happiest that i had ever been. i wasn't ashamed of myself, i didn't hate myself, and i wasn't afraid to think about the truth. i was gay, and for the first time in my life, that was ok. i didn't quite feel like wearing rainbow jewelery and waving gay pride flags, because i wasn't sure if i was ready to deal with the world, but i was finally ready to deal with myself, and that was a big accomplishment for me.

at some point, i came out of the closet to marie. it wasn't exactly my idea; it took a lot of coaxing from her, and i did it in a pretty indirect manner. when i finally got it out, she gave me a hug and told me that she knew, and then life went on. the only difference was that marie wasn't content to let me sit in silence. she thought (and maybe she was right) that if left to my own devices, i would spend the rest of my life pretending to be straight, and she didn't think that would be good for me. so she would force me to talk about it and she would encourage me to tell the truth. when we were alone, she would tease me, just like everybody teased nickolas and terrie... she wasn't being mean, just forcing me to listen to it, and to talk about it.

around november, i finally stopped to think about it. i realized that i didn't need to run away from myself any more, and i went to jane and told her that i only wanted to work about 25 hours a week. then i went to udf and told my boss that i quit. i felt dumb telling her that the only reason i got the job in the first place was to run away, so i told her it was because of school, and because of christmas break, and all these excuses... unfortunately, i was a good worker there too, and she didn't make it easy on me. she said she'd give me a leave of absence, instead, and i could come back in january, when christmas was over, and i had my schoolwork straightened out. yep, i'm easily influenced. i said ok.

when school let out for christmas, i went back to ~35 hours at kroger, and i was happy. i could watch nickolas and terrie and evan and even g, the girl who looked like a boy, and i could see that i would be ok. when i was ready to tell the truth, this would be the place to do it... and that was encouraging.

school started up again, and i went back to one day a week at udf, like i had promised i would. marie continued to force me to talk about it. everybody else used gender-neutral terms around me, not wanting to call me anything i wasn't, or didn't want to be.

and then i guess we reach the point where you started knowing what was going on. it was thursday. marie and i were alone in the office, and so she was teasing me. she was talking about girls, and then she was saying, 'debbie, i'm going to tell everybody that you like grilled cheese.'
she was just being goofy, because we're always being goofy. 'grilled cheese' sounds sort of like 'girls,' if that's what you're listening for, which i am. and if you're not, you just think marie's being goofy. so she started telling people that. she told jane i liked grilled cheese, and jane just laughed and said, 'yep, grilled cheese and lego allen iversons.'
but then marie told the policeman that i liked grilled cheese. he asked, 'what does debbie really like?'
we didn't understand how he knew i liked anything... and in the end, she didn't tell him. she just told him she didn't want to talk about it, and he could figure it out. so he did figure it out. and then he told me that he figured it out, and i got scared. i got so scared that i had to get away from him. i went back to the break room and hid for an hour, just so i wouldn't have to face the policeman. it was like a flashback to the jim mess.

i went home that night, and i was a mess. i was crying, and i couldn't stop. i realized that i wasn't crying because i was upset that the policeman knew. i was crying because i was upset that it upset me that he knew. i thought that i was over this. all those emotions that i felt when jim and christine found out, i thought that i wouldn't ever have to feel them again. i thought that i was finally ok with myself, and that if people found out, i could handle it. i thought i had made so much progress, and i thought that i was happy with myself... but this happened, and i realize that i haven't been making as much progress as i'd thought. i'm still stuck right where i was a year and a half ago. all night i cried and tossed and turned, and i was still wide awake when it was time for class, so i went, and then i left, because i felt too upset to stay there. i went home and i cried and i thought that i didn't want to feel this way. i thought that i hated myself. and i thought that i wished i was dead. i thought about the advil in my closet, and i started to get out of bed to get them, and then i got really scared. i remembered vowing to myself, after talking to christine, that i would never think about this again, and i had meant it. it scared me to think that i had just thought that. and then i realized that i didn't really want to die. what i really wanted was just to be like terrie. i wanted to feel good about myself, and to be able to be open and honest about who i was. i didn't want to feel like i had to hide it, and i didn't want to feel afraid when i found out that the policeman knew.

marie tells me that what i did next wasn't very logical. i'm pretty sure she's right. i hadn't slept very much, though, so it made sense at the time. i guess it happened something like this:
i realized that i didn't want to die; i just wanted to be like terrie. but thinking and planning and analyzing and writing and watching wasn't doing that for me. and hiding from people wasn't doing that for me. and lying to people wasn't doing that for me. and i couldn't think of anything else to try, besides to tell the truth.
and then it was like i turned into some sort of robot, and i had been programmed to tell the truth. that was when i sent the e-mail. it was the quickest way i could find to tell the truth. i just went through my address book and made a list of everybody who i'd talked to in the past month, and then i typed the e-mail, and then i clicked send.
then, after it had been sent, i suddenly realized what i had done. i was scared. i knew that nikki hated people who were gay, and after reading this, nikki was going to hate me. i was afraid that you would hate me too. i was afraid of what everybody would think. and i knew that before they hated me, they would try to figure out if it was true. i knew that you, dad, would try to call me when you saw that e-mail. i knew that people would try to call or visit or answer the e-mail, and i was scared of what they would say, and how i would respond. i was scared of what they would think. i liked everybody i had sent it to, and i wanted them to like me. i was afraid that with one click of the mouse, i had just made them all stop liking me.

that's when i ran away. i didn't run away because of the policeman. i didn't run away because of marie's teasing. i wasn't even running from myself, this time. i was running away from you, and everybody else on that list. i was afraid of what you would think, and in that state of fear, i thought that if i wasn't there to witness the reactions, then the reactions wouldn't be happening.

i spent the next 3 days in a bunch of different places. it's kind of a blur. i have this whole story written out too, in an electronic journal, and you can read that if you want, too, but to summarize, i stayed one night at marie's. i spent some time at mcdonalds, and i spent a lot of time in the break room at kroger, studying. i picked up a lot of extra hours, too, just because i was there, so it was pretty convenient to ask me to work. i napped in my car, but i didn't really sleep. it was too cold, and i was too scared.

around 4 or 5 on sunday, i was sitting in the break room, working on homework. i had just taken a good 4-hour nap, and i was actually accomplishing stuff, but marie came back and made me go home. she told me that it was going to be ok, that i needed to stop running away, and that i was probably worrying my parents sick, and when logic didn't budge me, she just physically dragged me out to my car, and told me that if i didn't go home, she wasn't going to live with me next year. and she meant it, too. so i went home, and she called to make sure i was there, and then cindy called, and then you called, and then i finally got to sleep, for a really long time.

when i woke up, i felt a lot better. cindy still liked me. alana and extra and lauren still liked me. nikki spoke to me and she didn't seem angry, which was way better than i had expected.

i went and quit udf, for real this time. (tuesday was my last day.) i answered the e-mails. i dealt with it, and i felt ok.

and then i talked to you, and you tried to tell me that it wasn't true, and that kroger is a cult that makes me think i'm gay, and that i need to think before i make this 'choice,' and that i shouldn't tell people about it until i'm sure.

i guess i understand that to you, it's brand new. but please try to understand that just because it's new to you doesn't mean that it's new to me. i'm sure that it's true, and i never chose it, and nobody talked me into it-who would? even terrie says that if she ever got to make the choice, she'd choose to be straight, just because it's easier. and terrie is 500% gay, and happy that way. the only choice i have is to lie or to tell the truth. and i'm finally telling the truth, to myself, and now to you.

and then you tell me that you're praying for me, because i'm unhappy. maybe you really think i'm unhappy. i guess i can't blame you for thinking that, either. i did run away for an entire weekend, and you never really heard the story behind that, so maybe you thought that i ran away because i was unhappy. but now i've told you. i ran away because i was scared. and maybe i was unhappy, for those four days... but everybody has their ups and downs. i was gay for a long time before that, and i was pretty darn happy, until i sent that e-mail.

it's just that i've been there, and i've done that. i've tried to change. i've tried to deny who i am. i've prayed and i've cried and i've lied and i've acted, and at times, i've done such a good job of playing straight that i nearly convinced myself... but it was always a lie, and i was never happy. and when i finally realized that i couldn't change, i spent a long time hating myself for being how i was, and wishing i could change, and thinking that i was supposed to be able to change... and i've finally given up on that. i'm finally accepting myself for who i am, and i'm doing a fairly good job of it. i sometimes run into trouble when i think about other people knowing, but within myself, i'm ok with being gay... and i don't want some pamphlet to put that doubt back into my mind. i don't want to hate myself any more. i'm easily influenced, you say, and you're right. if somebody shows me a convincing booklet, about how gays can turn straight, it'll plant that seed of doubt in my mind... i'll go through that struggle all over again... and i know how it will turn out. i know i can't be straight. so why should i have to go through that all over again? because you think i'm not happy?

maybe you said i was unhappy just because you didn't understand. i just can't help but wonder if you're really thinking of me, or if you're just thinking of it from your angle, where having a straight kid is normal, and having grandchildren would make you happy. and then maybe what you're trying to say is that you want to happy with what your children make of themselves, and that right now, you're not happy with me. or maybe you just can't see me happy with any future other than the one you had imagined for me.

i don't know. i guess what i'm trying to say is just that trying to be straight isn't going to make me happy. you may think your little booklet is full of new ideas, but i can almost guarantee that i've heard it all before. you might be able to scare me. you might be able to convince me that i'm going to hell for being gay. if it's convincing enough, you might even be able to make me live the rest of my life pretending to be straight. but you can't change who i really am, and you can't make me happy, not like that. if you really want to make me happy, just tell me that you love me anyway, and then let me be me.


  • 1
I don't have the time to sit and read all of this right now (I should really be studying X_x), but from just scanning it, I can tell you that you'd come off as more.. professional, I guess, and adult-like, if you made sure all your punctuation and capitalization was correct. When you're writing something as important as this, you want everyone to take you seriously, and having it as 'professional' as possible would be best; they're more likely to look at your letter like something a kid wrote instead of an adult if it looks like something you just threw together.

Good luck with this.


wow. that is really long. you are going to send that to your parents? i would spare them some of the details maybe. in fact, i think talking to them in person or at least on the phone (if you are away) is a much better idea, especially about being gay, i mean, its hard enough for parents to accept... and then when you put it in an email it is easier for them to see as no big deal or not to deal with it (as they have been doing). you really need to confront the issue. take hold of it, for yourself. dont tell them about your friends and the people you know who are gay. tell them about you, about how YOU feel and what YOU think. or even tell them, "i know you think this is a phase. maybe it is. it is okay that you think that. but please understand that it might not be. and i need to know that you will be there for me if it isnt." that's my advice. coming from me who is out to most people, but not all... to my mother but not my father (who are together), to my co-workers but not my boss; it gets complicated. defintely.

believe me, if it was possible, i would just tell them. it's a lot faster than writing it all out. but we run into problems because i'm not very good at talking and they're not very good at listening, so i end up just getting lectured, and nobody ever hears my point of view. i'm hoping that after they read this e-mail, we can talk again, and this time they'll have an idea of where i'm coming from... i have a feeling that this about to get pretty complicated, too, but i feel like i've got to finish what i've started...

i felt as if i were reading my own life-story, the hatred, denial, suicide attempts, etc. i have been with my girlfriend for 2 years...her parents are incredibly accepting, i am a part of their family...my mom is the only one who knows in my family and she hates me for it...my home life is a wreck...the letter sounds fabulous and i think conveys everything perfectly. good luck with everything! :)

it sounds like you're pretty lucky to have your girlfriend, and her family... i hope things eventually work out with your mom, or with the rest of your family. thanks for the compliment, and the luck (i think i'm going to need it...)

I've read just about every entry starting with "How I came out of the closet and ruined my life part 1". I think that this whole letter...it brilliant. It's everything you feel, and everything that's on your mind, and that is exactly how it should be. Its genuince, and if your parents still don't understand...then at least you can't say you never tried to help them understand. I love the last paragraph. It really gets to the point. Oh, I really do hope everything works out for you, and you're very lucky to have a friend like Marie, she sounds like she's really spiffy. *nods* I'm glad that you have people supporting you. Everything happens for a reason, and you'll live through it all. I mean like the quote says, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? ::hugs:: I hope you don't mind if I add you to my friends list, but you're a very interesting person and I'd love to talk to you and be LJ friends and such ^^; my AIM name is GenkiRiana if you ever want to talk about anything~ Bye~


thank you. i guess that's what i'm figuring... is that even if they ignore it, at least i'll know that i tried.

marie is sometimes spiffy... and sometimes, she's just not good for me. like, everybody on my friends list hated her, before those coming-out-of-the-closet entries. that whole situation is pretty messed up... but i do love her. or i think so, anyway.

and no, i don't mind if you add me to your friends list. if you made it through those closet entries, that's about as long-winded as i get, so you should survive... and i added you back. i'm on aim almost all the time, lil10deb, but i'm usually away (i work a lot).

(Deleted comment)
awww... thank you. i appreciate the words of kindness, and i think i'm going to make a few minor changes to the e-mail, and then send it. because you're right, i've been meaning to do this for a really long time...

it's really good debbie.

One thing though, since you say you want suggestions...

One thing is I would make sure you know how your parents are going to react before you put in all the details of the suicide attempts...because if they really had no clue about this, they might freak out. I do think could be an important thing to mention to show how much you were affected, but maybe not put in all the details of how you were going to do it or whatever, especially with the recent time where you were thinking of taking the advil. Like, you can say you felt suicidal freshman year or whatever, but in order to help your credibility you probably want to appear as sane as possible now... The only reason I say this is because I'm assuming you don't want them to freak out and put you in a mental hospital or something. I'm not saying they would, but my parents threatened to force me to withdraw from college and live at home where they could "take care of me" for stuff much less serious than suicidal-ness, so I'm just saying make sure this won't just give them more evidence to say that you have been messed up and driven to craziness by the gay cult, and that the gayness is just another symptom of your "mental problems". Because if your mom thinks you somehow need help now, telling her you almost tried to kill yourself last weekend might not help your case much. And sure, you said you decided you didn't want to, but I feel like the fact that you were close to doing it might stick out more...

Just my opinion though...

In this same aspect, it seems a little inconsistent at the end about the whole "unhappiness" concept...in one line you say "i was gay for a long time before that, and i was pretty darn happy, until i sent that e-mail." But it's kind of hard to believe that sentence when the whole rest of the letter was talking about crying and suicide attempts.....like, are you trying to convince them that you are happy or unhappy? I think the real point it seems like you are trying to make is that the email incident (and the immediate events surrounding it) didn't CAUSE, and weren't even a main contributor to the *fundamental* unhappiness level which had been going on for a while...it may have been a traumatizing incident which temporarily made the unhappiness visible to your parents and others, and hence they would naturally focus on it, but in the end it is most probably a step *towards* happiness in accepting yourself and such...do you see what I mean by this? I think this idea comes across well in your letter, but that sentence just sticks out since it seems to be saying the opposite thing (Because it is a very different to say you were perfectly happy before you sent the email, which is untrue, and would reinforce beliefs that the thoughts behind the email were a new thing.)
So, those are some things to think about...feel free to talk to me about it if what I'm saying doesn't make sense or you have any more questions, ok?

I'm really proud of you :)


i never thought about that suicide thing like that, but you're probably right. i don't need to scare them... by the same token, though, i'm not sure how to get from the policeman knowing to me sending the e-mail without mentioning it... do you think it would worry them as much if i just said something like, 'and i thought that i wished i was dead, and then i got really scared. i remembered vowing to myself, after talking to christine, that i would never think about this again, and i had meant it. it scared me to think that i had just thought that. and then i realized that i didn't really want to die.'?
(exactly the same thing, only without the little advil bit. this way, death is still just an idea, not something that i'm actually going to do to myself.)

i did think about that line, before i wrote it. what i was trying to convey was that until the grilled cheese and the e-mail set me back, i had been gradually getting happier and happier... maybe i could try something like, 'i was gay for a long time before i sent that e-mail, and in comparison to what i've felt in the past, right now, i'm NOT unhappy.'

ok i think i need to go watch some lesbians now. bye.

That was so amazingly open. I feel for you and all you have had to go through in order to come to a place where you love yourself. Know that you are beautiful. Know that nothing your parents or friends do can take that away from you. You are so brave to write that to them. I admire you so much. I hope one day to have as much courage as you, and be able to say the same things to my parents.

You are awesome. Much love to you


thank you :-).

(although i feel a little guilty when you call it courage, because it was kind of stupidity that got me started on this, and now i'm just finishing what i started, because i don't know what else to do...)


I love your email and I think tha as far as being up front and straight forward goes it hits the mark. And I definitely think that you should send it to them. I do agree with T4 on her 2 points. I am not so sure you want the suicide thing emphasized as it is. I don't think you're parents would wig out on you and try to put you away but it might make things slightly more complicated than need be. Also the sentence fragment that she pulled is exactly as she says. You spent the whole letter before that point saying how you were unhappy about being gay and then you say that you have been gay for this long and you have been happy. It clashes.

Other than that the letter, in my opinion, is perfect. You feeling and your honesty flow from the essence of it. I do not know what your parents response will be. But I do know that you will be okay. And I do know that you are a very brave and very strong person.

Much Love,


ok, freshman year suicide stuff was left as is, but the most recent thing has been downplayed. that 'happy' sentence has been modified. i've sent them an e-mail containing the little preparation sentence that you and t4 composed for me, and tomorrow, i'm set to send the e-mail. thank you!

p.s. if i am brave, it is only because i was stupid...

in the bible, god punished people by making them gay.

That's Biblically inaccurate. Homosexuality is mentioned as a sin, but it isn't mentioned as a punishment from God.

i found millions of websites, and i could spend hours absorbed in them... there were message boards, and discussion groups, and i read about all these people who were thinking what i was thinking, and feeling what i was feeling. but when i got off the internet, and went back into real life, it was a big let-down. compared to this wonderful world of acceptance that i saw on the internet, real life was miserable.

I'm straight, but I definitely understand what you're saying about the differences between the Internet and the "real" world...

if you really want to make me happy, just tell me that you love me anyway, and then let me be me.


ok, i haven't touched a bible in a really long time, so i'm probably not in a position to discuss this, but a long time ago, i found a list of all the bible verses that mentioned homosexuality. i looked them all up in the bible, and i don't think any of the passages explicitly said that homosexuality was a punishment, but that's how i took one of them... let me go search the internet...

ok, i think it was this. romans 1

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and wickedness of those who by their wickedness suppress the truth. 19For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. 20Ever since the creation of the world his eternal power and divine nature, invisible though they are, have been understood and seen through the things he has made. So they are without excuse; 21for though they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their senseless minds were darkened. 22Claiming to be wise, they became fools; 23and they exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling a mortal human being or birds or four-footed animals or reptiles.
24Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the degrading of their bodies among themselves, 25because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.
26For this reason God gave them up to degrading passions. Their women exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural, 27and in the same way also the men, giving up natural intercourse with women, were consumed with passion for one another. Men committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the due penalty for their error.

so to me, it sounds like these people were being bad, so he punished them by 'giving them up to degrading passions,' and making them gay. of course, i know i'm not a bible expert, by any means... so if you can figure out what that's supposed to mean, i'd be glad to hear it... it's just that when i looked it up in 8th grade (or so), that's how i interpreted it...

so to me, it sounds like these people were being bad, so he punished them by 'giving them up to degrading passions,' and making them gay.

Almost. It's more like "these people were being bad, so God gave up on them and let them do whatever they wanted to do."

ok, i'm not trying to be argumentative here. it's just that i really have no idea, and i trust your interpretation of the bible much more than i trust my own... but does that mean that if god left everybody to do what they wanted to do, they would all be gay? so the straight people are the people who god hasn't given up on? or does it just mean that if you're a bad person to begin with, and then god gives up on you, you'll be gay? or did these particular people just happen to be bad and gay?

it's just that i really have no idea, and i trust your interpretation of the bible much more than i trust my own... but does that mean that if god left everybody to do what they wanted to do, they would all be gay?

Nope. Some people interpret the passage to say that the presence of homosexuality is a sign of the decline of society, but *I* certainly don't agree with that interpretation for obvious reasons...

so the straight people are the people who god hasn't given up on?

Nope. I personally believe that there will be many more homosexuals in Heaven (and straight people in Hell) than your garden-variety homophobe would assume...

or does it just mean that if you're a bad person to begin with, and then god gives up on you, you'll be gay?


or did these particular people just happen to be bad and gay?

Yep, that's more like it.

I've been reading your posts for awhile now. You impress me as a very sensitive and thoughtful person who has the desire to go about everything in her life as correctly as possible. Your major stumbling block is that you put other people above you to the point that your depend way too much on their approval and validation of you. You realize that everyone is not going to approve of your homosexuality and you feel that you can handle it one minute, the next you can't. My heart does go out to you because this is never easy for ANYONE, much less someone with feelings such as yourself.

I admire you for coming out with the emails. You may feel that this was the wrong thing to do...in this case, there is never any truly RIGHT way to tell people ; "I'm Gay". I know that you analyze everything to pieces and nothing will ever seem RIGHT enough, but rest assured, what you did was right and just taking that step in telling people was the best thing you could have done and will make the way easier for you. It will feel like less and less of a burden and time goes by...just having the weight of being closeted off of your chest.

You can go into intricate detail in explaining to your parents...it's a grand gesture, but it won't make much difference right now. Parents, especially, take the whole "Gay thing" as a personal affront to them...like they have failed somehow by not raising you up to come out straight. It's not about YOU..it's about THEM and how they feel about having a Gay child. They have to work it out for themselves. The religious phamplets..very common. People fall-back on very rigid and concrete "Norms" of society tied deeply with religious conformity oftentimes when their child comes out to them as Gay...this is what they feel will save everything they have clung to..like if THEY can't convince you that you are "Wrong"...these age-old standards of judgment and punishment will. It's like taking it out of THEIR hands and letting "God" handle it. It's a stage that they go through. Don't waste your time arguing with them about it, it will only make things worse.

I urge you now to move on. You have come out to the people that you wanted to come out to. They know. There is no more explaining or talking about it. You cannot control their reactions..this is THEIR issue now and how they react to it and to you is solely up to them. You can never, ever convince anyone of anything by going over and over trying to explain yourself and WHY you are who you are. They either accept you as you are or they don't. There's nothing you can do to change people..only they can change themselves. If they are truly your friends and love you and care about you...your being Gay won't change anything. If they are not truly your friends..this is when you will know. You cut your losses and go on to bigger and better things. You don't need "Fake friends", even if that means you have have two or three TRUE friends, these are the ones you can count on no matter what. This is what matters..bottom line.

I urge you to use this time to concentrate on YOU and less on others opinions of you and what you do..these people don't have to live your life..you do, so make it count. You should realize that you are beautiful and you can do great things once you stop depending so much on others. So you are Gay..big deal..so what? It's part of who you are, but it's not EVERYTHING you are, not by a long shot..and it should not be treated that way, either. Once you stop obsessing about being Gay and how people will react to it, life will get much better. You will run into problems in life, but who doesn't? The dust will settle and life will go on and the sun will come up tomorrow whether you are Gay or not...and you are not the only one out here..just remember that.

Have more faith in yourself..believe in who you are..there is no need for explanations.

i swore to myself that once i sent this e-mail, i would stop trying to change their minds. if they still want to send me religious pamphlets, i'll take them. if they want to ignore everything i say, then i'll let them do it. after this e-mail, i'm going to try my hardest to stop caring about what they think, and stop trying to change their minds. i know that they'll need time to deal with it, the same way i did... it's just that after talking to them on the phone, i really felt like i had to do this. they were asking questions, but not waiting for my answers. i want to answer their questions. i want to make them understand... and i feel like i owe it to them and myself to give them that chance. and the worst they can do is ignore it, right?

and i am dying to 'stop obsessing about being Gay and how people will react to it.' i'm sure things will be much better then... it just feels like that's never going to happen!

  • 1