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stupidfool
i miss christine. not this weekend, but the next one, i get to see her. maybe. if she works that day. she has to work. i would die if she didn't. columbus isn't columbus without christine...

i hate my internship. im getting used to the people though. almost all of them seem pretty ok. i take my breaks with brian and sometimes anna, and other people come and go, but im getting to know pretty much all of them. i'm sure anna thinks i'm quiet, and maybe slightly snobby. i don't really care. she may be hot, but she's very straight (engaged to be married sometime in october), and i like holly more. and i like christine even more. the rest of them are nice people, and they seem to like me allright. i guess thats the part that counts the most, for me. i hate sitting at a desk, doing nothing but thinking-type work, but as long as everything's ok with me and the people there, i'm ok. my happiness depends way too much on other people.

speaking of other people, i stopped up at kroger on my way home to pick up my paycheck. holly was there, and i knew it. my goal for the trip wasn't really the paycheck; i could easily get it tomorrow, when i work. i wanted holly to see me, and i wanted to completely ignore her. i wanted to make sure she knew that i didn't like her, just in case she ever thought i did. i didn't want her hating me for being a lesbian. i would rather her like me for being straight, even if i'm not. maybe in columbus i'll be ready to come out some day soon, but here, i don't think i'll ever be ready. so i did an excellent job. i had to walk by her on my way in and on my way out, and i didn't even look at her enough to give her a chance to talk to me, but i know she saw me. then i swore to myself that i wouldn't go back again when she was working until at least next week, becuase i didn't want to appear to be stalking her. only i never keep those kinds of promises. i can't help it. ignoring her is worse than not seeing her. my mom needed an onion for the recipe she was making. how could i not volunteer to go get it? as i was driving there, i was furious at myself for going, and swore to ignore her again. so i bought my onion from the express lane and didn't even look in the direction of the regular lanes. i'd rather not see what i was forcing myself to miss. i was heading for the doors, and i see her putting away some carts. then she turns and comes inside, heading straight at me. she says 'loser!' cheerfully, and comes over to me and asks 'weren't you just in here?' i roll my eyes and say yeah, trying to make it sound like this is not my choice at all. she says 'you were all dressed up! i hardly recognized you!' and gives me a hug. i mumble 'i hardly recognized myself,' and then brandy says hey to me and starts talking to holly. she turns to answer and i leave quickly. holly is a hugger. she's just that type of person. she confuses me though. she has confused me since the day i met her. it's been almost 4 years. i liked her when i met her, and in those 4 years, i've never gotten completely over her. christine is probably as close as i came to forgetting about holly. i was confused by her when i met her, and that has never changed either. i'm not sure how to explain it. she's not hot. or maybe she is, a little, but i don't know it. that's not why i like her, most of the time. when i met her, i barely had hormones. the ones i had didn't really think about appearance very much. sure, they acted up enough for me to know that i wasn't quite straight, but it wasn't really a physical attraction i was feeling. it's still not. she is hilarious. she is me, only she does it right. the two of us made quite a pair on the basketball team. i had an inability to concentrate, and most of the time, she just didn't feel like it. she was undoubtedbly the best athlete on the team, so nobody yelled at her for goofing off, and i was her partner in crime. we goofed off like crazy. the difference is she is funny and it makes people laugh. i am weird, and it makes people laugh. i can't act normal if i try, becuase i'm not. but if she wants to be serious, she can be, although i've only ever seen it happen once. the point is that i don't know what holly's thinking. it's impossible to tell what holly's thinking becuase everything is a joke to her. she is intelligent (think: large scholarship at good engineering college) and i know there's a lot more happening in her mind than she ever lets on. and she's nice to everyone, even people that she hates (i know this for a fact), so i have no way of knowing if i'm on the other side or not. i'm afraid of her hating me. and i'm afraid that it could be ok. well, i'm not afraid of that, really. i'm worried that it is ok, that for once in my life, my people situation is fine, and i'm just afraid to let myself believe it, relax, and enjoy it. i think i'm going to start treating it that way. no more ignoring holly, but no going out of my way to see her either. if she hates me and hides it well, who cares? if i can't tell the difference, why should it bother me? i know the rest of the people there don't hate me, and i have the people at my internship, who like me just fine. plus i have great freinds in molly, alana, and katie, who send me emails all the time to brighten up my day at my internship. and then there's jim, who could be a great friend if he would just give up on this dating thing... any way you look at it, i have enough people on my side that the opinion of just this one person should have virtually no effect on me, right? i think that sounds logical. now i just need to make myself believe it...

i miss christine. holly makes me miss christine even more. i know i was never happy with the christine situation, but at least i never ignored her for 2 weeks straight... and there i was almost not hiding it. that's what i miss the most. here i am so deep in the closet that i can't even see the light from the room. there i was in the closet, but i was almost to the edge. i wasn't jumping on every chance to deny it, like i do here. if the whole jim situation happened here, it would have been his age from square one. none of this 'no, it's not his age... no, it's nothing about him... about me? what? gotta run...' that's loser, almost ready to tell the truth, but not quite. and this is loser deep in lies, and happy that way. big difference. am i rambling? sorry. i miss christine.

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