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the world is full of fucking morons.
stupidfool
i'm supposed to be sleeping. and i was about asleep, but somebody called and woke me up. you figure out who. kyle had to go home, because he wanted to beat the snowstorm. and in the conversation that followed, i managed to pry out of her that she had told both kyle and tyrone that i was gay. kyle, she told a long time ago. i hadn't really thought about that, but if i had, i would have probably realized that she had told him, just because she's so obsessed with him that it makes sense for her to tell him everything she knows about everybody. tyrone, she just told this past monday. and he asked if i knew for sure, or how i knew, or something, and marie told him that she didn't think i actually knew, and that she just figures that since she doesn't like boys, she's gay. and then they had this whole conversation about whether i'd ever been with a girl.
(the answer, she says, is no. and then, on the phone, she asks me, and i don't even know what to say. what about her? does it seem like i didn't like that? or does she not count as a girl? when i hesitate, she exclaims, 'you have! you have, haven't you?!?!?!'
i reply tentatively, 'no...'
she says, 'you're lying! you have!'
so i ask, 'have i? when?'
she answers, 'well i don't know when... you're the one who would know that...'
'well if you don't know when, i don't know when. unless i was asleep or something,' i snap.)
she says that tyrone figures that since i haven't been with a girl, and i haven't been with a boy, i just need to be with a boy to realize that i like it. and from the sounds of it, marie agreed with him! she says all the girls she knows have messed around with girls before, and have some sort of attraction to girls, but they all like boys too. and i guess she thinks i'm just like the rest of the girls she knows. why?!?! why the fuck does everybody think that i don't know what 'gay' means?!?! if i didn't like boys, i would say, 'i don't like boys.' but i'm saying, 'i'm gay.' that means i like girls! i fucking like girls; don't tell me i don't! and i thought she understood, i really did. my mom and my dad and my friends all have this crazy idea that i don't know what 'gay' means, or that it's just my kroger cult, or they ask, 'so, do you still think you're gay?' like it's nothing more than a passing fancy. but i thought that marie, of all people, understood... she was the only person who i felt like i didn't have to explain myself to... i thought i could talk to her, and she got it... but evidently, she doesn't get it. nobody fucking gets it. i feel like i'm going to cry. i think i'm the only person in the world who is really gay. everybody else says they're gay, and then they mess around with the opposite sex, like it, and in doing so, convince the rest of the world that gay just means bi-curious, and that real gays don't exist. but i exist! damnit, i'm here! i don't like boys. i like girls. i'm fucking gay, and that's how it's going to be. what do i have to do to make them see that? why doesn't anybody understand?????

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ahhh, poo. whatever, they all suck. and marie is apparently on crack...heh

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