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stupidfool
terrie is leaving in 4 days, and the logical part of me is saying to start forgetting about her now. however, i'm ignoring that, and instead, i am frantically throwing all my mental eggs into the terrie basket. no matter how much i accomplish by friday, i will end up disappointed. so, now that you know that i realize that i shouldn't be making these plans, let me tell you about my plans...

the night marie called and told me about the tyrone conversation (which i'm going to write an entry about, later), i was crazy unhappy... i laid in bed, and i wished that i had a lesbian to talk to... marie is (well, was) good to talk to, because i could at least be truthful... but i really want somebody who knows this feeling, and who has actually come out to people, and who has seen the reactions that i'm seeing... i want to talk to a lesbian who is already out of the closet... of course, terrie comes to mind. so in my imaginary world, in the same frame of mind that i'm in right now, i imagine a million different ways for this to happen. the main idea goes like this:
i skip class wednesday and go talk to terrie. she's stocking the shampoo aisle, and i come up to her. since i'm so upset about everything, my hands are shoved deep in my pockets, and i look kind of tired and sad. i ask, 'can i talk to you for a minute?'
she says, in the same tone of voice she used that day when i was sick (one of the few times she's ever seemed to care about me), 'sure. what's going on?'
i ask, 'are you-' and i hesitate, because in real life, i know i can't say this word without hesitation, 'gay?'
she says, 'yeah,' and gives me a you-should-know-that look.
i ask, 'so does that mean you don't like guys?'
she answers, 'hmmm... pretty much. i mean, i have liked guys, but compared to girls... compared to girls, i don't like guys.' (i don't know for sure, but this is the impression that i get of her.)
i reply, 'oh. so... do you think there's such thing as a girl who's... gay, but doesn't like guys at all?'
she turns to face me and answers, with a half-smile, 'i think i'm looking at one right now.'

the conversation proceeds in different directions, every time i play it in my mind... but the point is that i get to talk to her. and i get to ask all the questions that i want to ask to a real live completely out lesbian... like 'did people not believe you, when you told them?' and 'did you try to change their minds?' and 'what did they say?' and 'how long did it take you, to get to the point where you are now?' and 'do you ever have days where you wish you could just be normal?' and 'how do you meet other gay people?' and a million other questions... and of course, i tell her about what i've been going through, and i even tell her about t4, and ask her about new york. it was a wonderful little daydream...
and when i fell asleep that night, imagining this scenario, i thought that i could really try to make it happen. i thought that on wednesday, i could really go see her, and i could really just start talking to her. maybe the new york thing wouldn't happen, and maybe i wouldn't get to ask all my questions, or get all the answers, but i could at least talk to her, right?
but when i woke up an hour later, it seemed unrealistic. i couldn't imagine having the guts to start that conversation, and even if i somehow found the guts to talk to her, i really didn't feel like it would be right for me to do so. in the e-mail i sent to marie, i said i realized that it's not very fair of me to expect [terrie] to talk to me, just because it might make it easier for me. and that just because she's smart and she knows a lot of stuff doesn't mean that she wants to share that knowledge with me. i think that i had a good point, there. maybe terrie went through it alone, and thinks that other lesbians should have to go through it alone, too. there's no lesbian manual that says that once you're out, you have to talk to all the little lesbians of the world, to help them come out. maybe she doesn't want to talk to me, and it's not very fair for me to put her in a position where she has no choice... or where refusing to talk to me would make her look rude... the best approach would be to first come out of the closet to her, just casually, and then wait to see if she offers support. but with only 4 days left, and with no naturally-occurring opportunities to even see terrie, this is no longer an option. if i want it to happen, i have to force it, one way or another.

i don't know how to make it happen. i've resorted to stalking her, because maybe it will give me some hints. i have discovered two children's books that were illustrated by her. i got her address off of her paystub, and looked her up on yahoo maps. tomorrow, on my day off, i think i'm going to go drive by that place, just to see where she lives. i tried searching for her on classmates.com, to see where she went to high school (couldn't find her). it's been great fun for the stalker in me, but plan-wise, it's getting me nowhere. i need to find a way to talk to terrie. the only options i can think of right now:

1) find the guts to talk to her. ignore the fact that it's probably not the right thing to do, and just skip class and find her at work, and start talking.

2) talk to jane, tonight. ask her about new york, and see if she volunteers anything about terrie. if not, do that little conversation with her, where i ask if terrie's really quitting, and then volunteer that terrie is cool because she is 'good at being gay.' terrie babysits for jane on monday nights... so after closing with me, jane would go home and talk to terrie about her kid, and i bet she would mention the conversation with me... that would achieve the same effect as casually coming out to terrie. and then i could still skip class on wednesday, and make sure to walk by terrie and say hello, giving her the opportunity to say something to me.

3) talk to alyssa. marie says that alyssa said that she and terrie would take me out sometime. that's a lot of hearsay, but maybe there's some truth to it. so far, alyssa hasn't said a thing to me about my sexuality. it's quite possible that she doesn't even know that i know that she knows that i'm gay. but if i could bring it up to her, and mention something about wanting to see other gay people, or something... then maybe she would mention that plan again. and maybe she would talk to terrie, and get the ball rolling.

that's all i can think of. i think i'm going to try plan #2 tonight. the problem with it, though, is that even if i get the guts to say that to jane (which would almost have to end up outting me to her), there's no guarantee that the conversation will get back to terrie. and even if it does, it's still not guaranteed that i'll get to talk to terrie. even with christine (who, for some reason, honestly wanted to be there for me), when i casually strolled by her in the hopes that she would talk to me, it only worked about 50% of the time. and terrie is not christine...

so i don't know. we'll see how tonight goes. wish me luck...

(oh, and also on the agenda for tonight is to ask alyssa if she knows anybody in new york. while i would love to solve the terrie problem and the t4 problem with one big wonderful solution, i realize that it's not likely to happen... and just because i can't find an answer to one doesn't mean i can't try for the other. if i could get a ride to new york with alyssa, that would work too.)

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