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i'm not really awake.
i'm pretty confused. i don't really think i'm as trusting as marie evidently thinks... but i don't know. and i guess it sounds like she's just like christine. or at least she's like christine in how she feels for me... but they couldn't treat me more differently, which is why i get confused. i can see how christine thought she was looking out for me, because she was... it made sense... she was gentle with me, and she always said the right things... marie beats me up. it just doesn't seem like the same thing. how can you feel something and then act on it by either beating me up or being gentle? the actions are opposites, so how can they be acting out the same feeling?

marie said that she didn't like boys, once. her freshman year, she dated girls, and only girls. she said she could do it because she wasn't scared, and she thinks i'm scared. i think i might be scared. i don't know what i'm scared of, though. i don't think she knows either, because she kept contradicting herself. first she said i was scared of boys, and that's why i wouldn't try to date them. and she said the only reason i wasn't straight was because i was scared of boys, so i was scared to try to be normal. but then she said i was scared of girls, and that's why i wouldn't date them, and i was going to die a virgin. i said i think i'm just scared of people in general, and talking to people i don't know, and stuff like that, and that's why i get quiet a lot, or turn 7, or mess up my words. and then i think there's a separate part of me that's scared to date a girl, not because it's gay, but just because dating is new and scary and mature, and sometimes i feel like i'm not grown-up enough for it. but i don't think i'm scared to date a boy. i just don't want to do it, because i don't like boys, and i don't need to date one to prove it to myself. so i don't think i should have to date one just to prove it to her.

and she said that's why she told tyrone. she said she didn't do it because she wanted to drive me crazy, or even because she wanted to get his attention, or respect, or anything. she told him because he kept telling her that she needed to find me a boyfriend, and that if she were a good friend, she would have found me a boyfriend by now. so she told him that i didn't want a boyfriend, and that i was gay, just to make him stop saying that. i know that tyrone always says that. he says it to her when i'm around, too. but i don't know whether to believe her completely, because she always has an excuse for everything, and i know she's not always right, like when she broke into the schedule and deleted it, and then tried to blame it on tasha. doesn't it mean that i'm not trusting, because i'm saying this? if i was trusting, i would just believe her.

jane said marie will grow up some day, and her obsession with boys won't be so bad, and she won't do mean things to people for attention. she didn't say what i would do, but i think that i will grow up too, and some day, i won't be so scared of everything. i think i am growing up, a lot. and sometimes i think marie is trying to keep me little. and sometimes i think i want to stay little for her, and for christine, and for terrie, and for all the people that accidentally get my 7-year-old. so maybe somewhere inside me, it's not such an accident. but i don't know.