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deliberately vague and confusing
right as i was about to go to bed last night, marie called. i was a little bit of a mess. i was worrying about that final (which i hadn't studied for), and i was really worried about my trip. she asked what i was worried about (trip-wise), and i just started listing. at first, she was laughing (she thought my fear of a moldy toothbrush was hilarious), but then i started listing some of the things that i didn't write in here, and she reacted like i had figured she would. i ended up going over there, and we talked things over and worked through stuff for a long time, and by the time i went home, i felt a lot better. i guess it was mostly one big what-if that was bothering me, and i knew i would be ok one way, and marie managed to help me see how it would be ok the other way, too, so i think i'm set.
and i also decided, in light of our conversations and interactions last night, and something somebody wrote to me this morning, that i think i'm getting over marie. it's kind of a backwards decision, the way i came about realizing it, but i really think i am. i mean, i love her. she takes care of me, and she listens to me, and she makes me feel loved. if she stopped telling me that she loved me, or being there for me, or hugging me when i'm upset, i would probably be very unhappy. but i think i'm over the part where i want to be her girlfriend. she can be kyle's girlfriend, and she can be my friend, and i think that will work just fine.
it's not quite that simple, though. nothing is ever that simple. when i'm not with her, i still need somebody to project that happily-ever-after story onto, and more often than not, it winds up being her. but still, i think before, if a potential marie-replacement had walked into my life, i would have ignored her and obsessed over marie. now, i think i'm ready for the marie-replacement. (not to imply that marie is disposable. now more than ever, i want to hang on to her. but my obsession with her is definitely disposable. i would like to dispose of that as soon as possible, and that's what i'm now ready to do.)

and besides that, i think i seriously failed today's final. but it's over. and i'm leaving for my grandparents. tomorrow, i will see t4!

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tomorrow I will see stupidfool

actually, by the time you read this I guess I will have seen you
unless you check it from your grandparents house, but I'm not sure if you would

I'm kind of curious about this unlisted thing, but that's okay


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