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i miss christine.

my wrist hurts like hell.

i can't juggle with a hurt wrist (not that i could really do it before, but at least i could practice...)

i hate my internship.

not quick:
monday, my friend anthony, from high school, gave me a call. we hadn't talked in a while, so it was really great to hear from him. when i got done, i came downstairs to put the phone back in the holder, and my mom and jake were down there. my mom asked who it was, and even though it's really none of her buisness, i told her. she said 'oh, is he still dating that jessica girl?' (anthony was in my grade, jessica was two grades younger). i tell her 'no, he met some guy down at school and broke up with jessica.' jacob does a double take and asks 'a GUY?' oops. anthony is the straightest guy i know. i just can't talk. i say no no no i mean a girl, a girl. my mom says 'oh good, anthony never struck me as the guy type.' i laugh and agree. then she says 'but you know, they say 1 in every 10 people is gay.' she appears to want some sort of reaction from me or jake. neither of us are very fond of serious conversations though, and i especially don't like this subject. we both shrug. she presses 'well, do you believe that?' i laugh. jake asks 'how would i know?' i agree and tell her sarcastically, 'yeah, you know that used to always be the first question i would ask a person when i met them, but they were never too interested in helping me keep up-to-date stats on sexuality. in fact, they usually lost interest in meeting me at all after they realized that i was more interested in their sexuality than their name, so i just decided to trust the 1 in 10 figure.' jake jokes 'well stupid, you were doing it wrong. you can't just ask them. you have to make it a secret. like you could maybe carry around 2 buckets and a bag of marbles and then close your eyes and tell them to put a marble in the straight bucket or the gay bucket, and you would never know which.' my mom rolls her eyes and says 'no, seriously, one in 10! doesn't that seem high?' jake puts on a mock-serious face and says 'well, you know i'm gay.' my mom sighs 'jacob...' he jumps out of his chair and says 'seriously. where are all the guys in this house?' he looks around, cries 'mickey!' and then runs off chasing our male cat (mickey). i laugh and tell my mom 'geez ma, you thought 1 in 10 was bad? we've got 1 in 3 right here!' jake makes it back into the room with mickey as i'm finishing my sentance, and he plants a passionate kiss on the cat's nose. then he puts the cat down and says 'make that 2 in 4. i think mickey liked it!' my mom sighs 'you guys are hopeless,' and leaves the room, presumably looking for someone who will carry on a serious conversation with her. jake and i immediately fall silent. as long as my wrist is in pain and/or in this brace, i refuse to speak to the brat. i'm not going to make it obvious when my parents are around, but i'm sure as hell not going to talk to him when he's the only one in the room. fucking jackass. i want to inflict pain on him.

jim emails me often, at my work address now. i don't like jim like that, but it sure is nice to have somebody like you. my freinds like me, but not like jim. just hearing the nice things he has to say makes me smile. he tells me he misses me, and gives all these examples of how things arent the same without me. and he's always concerned about how things are going with my internship, and he REALLY wants to know. like i'll send him a paragraph long email about how it's not so great, and he'll write back: tell me more. it's nice to feel loved. it's bad to mistake my feeling of happiness from his attention for feelings for jim. i don't like jim and i know it. but i'm afraid that if these emails keep up, i'm going to start thinking i do, and then i'll be in quite a mess when i get back to columbus and he thinks that i want to date him. but i don't want the emails to stop either. hearing that i'm missed really helps me get through an otherwise miserable day, even if it's just jim who misses me.

today, a phrase popped into my mind that i hadn't considered in a while: 'you ok?' i heard christine's voice saying it, in my mind, and i just wanted to cry. it was such a nice question. that whole conversation... god, i miss her so bad...

the anna situation is improving rapidly. today i went on break with a bunch of people, and she was the first one down there, so it was just the two of us for a few minutes. of course i'm nervous, being alone with a hot girl, but this time i deal with it just like i always have with christine. i say childish things and make her laugh. i know that i'm not going to get very far in life by making the whole world think i'm 7, but right now, i'm not looking to go anywhere. i'm just trying to make the best of what i've got, and that means making anna stop thinking that i'm a snobby stuck-up brat who thinks she's too good to talk to anyone. i can't talk well enough to make her think i'm a mature adult, so confused child is just going to have to do.

at the store on sunday, i worked with holly. all weekend long, only 4 people noticed that i was doing everything one-handed. i didn't tell a soul, even when they had me out getting carts for an hour. i could only push about 5 or 6 at a time with just my good hand, but i wasn't about to complain. i complain in here like crazy becuase it's just my thoughts; i'm allowed to do whatever i want, but in real life, you almost never will hear me complain. i don't want people to feel sorry for me or think of me as a complainer, so there's really no point. except for holly. i told holly about my wrist. holly is the exception to every rule that holds for the rest of the population. i can't really explain it, but if you'd ever met her, you'd understand. how about an example? ok, on thursday, i went in to get my paycheck. i was on my way out, and holly's coming in with a row of carts. she jokes 'you trying to spend more time here than me?'
i say no, i just had to get my paycheck.
she asks, 'oh, did you get any holiday pay for the 4th?' and reaches over and takes my paycheck. she looks it over and comments 'you broke $100... that's not bad for only working weekends.'
i tell her yeah, well it's becuase they love to give me long shifts.
she laughs, continues to look over my paycheck, and says 'but no holiday pay.'
i shrug. 'the 4th was on a wednesday. i didn't work anywhere around it.'
'awwww... poor baby...' she says, and hands it back to me.
i grin and tell her 'i think i should be able to survive though.'
'yeah, i bet you're making next to nothing at that internship, huh?' she says sarcastically.
i laugh and tell her almost. then i head out to my car, and i'm driving home when i realize that that wasn't a normal thing. most people wouldn't just walk up to you and take your paycheck, look it over, and comment freely on it. and i wouldn't just let most people do that to me, either. but holly's not most people. she can get away with that, and it's not just me. it's everyone. she's got this way of making you feel like you've known her forever. nobody can get mad at holly. she practically runs the store. if she feels like working, she does. if she feels like standing around and talking, she does. nobody questions her. and nobody gets mad at her becuase they're working and she doesn't have to. if a new person brings it up, everyone laughs and tells them 'it's just holly. you gotta love her.' within a few days, the new person will be under her spell too. it's just holly. that's the best explanation i can give. things are still pretty awkward with me and holly though. i'm scared to death of her, and i don't even really know why, anymore. she noticed, of course. once, she comes up behind me, and i know she's there, but then she puts her head on my back, and i jump a mile. she cracks up. i tell her 'you're frightening!' only 'frightening' comes out more like a hiccup. she laughs and says 'i must be! every time i come near you, you get sooo nervous!' then she walks away to do something else. i gotta stop being scared of her. i know things should be ok, but i can't help but worry. i worry too much. i am never happy. i don't have any problems now. i mean, i do. i'm gay. that's a big one. and my wrist fucking hurts. but i don't have any people problems. as far as i can tell, nobody suspects, or not bad enough to change their opinion of me. nobody hates me. everybody likes me. why do i still have to mess it up by being scared of nothing?

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Inflicting pain on people larger than yourself:

Two main ways to do this.
(1) Take up martial arts, especially ones that use the opponent's weight against them. Takes a while but you can do some damage with just a few basic moves.
(2) (And it pains me to say this, as a guy) Take any opportunity available to you during the fight to hit the twat in his balls. Not only will it hurt, but it could render him immobile for a while. If he's rolling around on the floor, take the opportunity to give him a kicking too.

Go forth and hurt the arsehole...


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