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i have to go buy books before work, so i definitely don't have time to talk about all of last night. what i do have to say is this.

i got scared. i went and hid in the bathroom, and (at separate times) two very nice lesbians in boys pants came in to talk to me. they completely understood my feeling that i wasn't gay enough, and they knew how to reassure me about that. but neither of them quite got what i was so scared of. and marie didn't get it at all. she kept saying that nobody was trying to molest me, and everybody was very nice, so what was so scary? it wasn't a concrete fear like that, i knew. and when the nice lesbians in the bathroom kept asking what i was afraid of, i kept saying 'everything,' because i couldn't be any more specific. and one of them tried to ask me to pick the one thing that i was most afraid of, because she really seemed to want to make me not scared, but i couldn't come up with any one thing that was scary. i just knew i was scared.

i think i get it. i didn't get it then, or this morning when i woke up on marie's porch, mad at her and myself and the world, but i think my conversations with t4 and jay helped... i get it now.
i'm a quiet person, and i think a lot and i feel a lot. and when something new is thrown at me, i need time to think about it and analyze it... and then there are some things that i can't not think about, even if they're not so new. like gayness. you mention the word, and my head is deep in thought. even when nobody mentions it, it's always there. gayness always makes me think more than i should. so when i end up some place, like i did last night, and there are new people that i'm forming opinions about, in a new place, doing new things and saying new words, and there are drag queens (something i'd never seen before) singing on tv, and everything everywhere is completely gay, then i have a whole lot of thoughts that i need to think. and there are so many of them that i can't possibly think them all, especially not with so much happening around me, and with all the talking and noise and loud music... and it just gets completely overwhelming. there are too many thoughts and i can't take it and i have to get away and hide from it all... and that's what's scary. it's that feeling of being completely overwhelmed, like my thoughts are going too fast for me to think them. and when people ask for something concrete, a real fear, i can't come up with one. because the actual events aren't scary. in fact, taken one at a time, they aren't even negative things. gay people are good. music is nice. meeting new people is exciting. and being in a gay place is something i really want to get used to. but when it all happens at once, i get scared, not because of the events, but because of the huge rush of thoughts that the events create.

so yeah, i'm going to work.

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yep, and i'm telling you, they just don't get it. they might not specifically mean harm, but they don't get it and probably never will.
you should consider reading the hsp book, somewhere, sometime...maybe i'll send you one

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