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i feel alone. i feel like i'm the only person in the whole world. i want to talk to somebody and i want to see somebody and i want to touch somebody, just to feel like i'm not the only person who lives, but i can't. i leave a message up, pretending i'm not here, because if i talked to them, i would drag them down with me, and this is a place where nobody should have to be. marie calls and i say nothing to her because if say anything, she won't get it. she'll tell me to stop thinking, or that it will be ok, and i'm the only one who can ever understand that it won't. and finally, when the silence is too much to bear, she says she's going to let me go now, and then she hangs up and i'm alone again. she doesn't care and i'm crying because i want to show her, and i want to make her care, so i don't have to feel this by myself... but it's wrong. she's going out to eat with megan anyway. she said that one of the times that she tried to fill the silence. she's going out with megan and she can tell that something is wrong with me, but it doesn't matter to her. her world is full of actions, and mine is full of thoughts and feelings that she couldn't see if she wanted to, because she can only ever see what's actually there. megan is here, and i am not. i am far away, in a place she could never be. and i want to call my girlfriend, but it seems wrong, when she's doing all the right things to be happy and i'm going in the opposite direction. so i sit here and taste my tears and just drown myself in thoughts.

my grandpa is dying, my mom says. he has a tumor on his brain and they can't operate on it, because he's too old, and he wouldn't survive the operation. she says the hard part for her, and for him, and for my dad, and for my grandma, and for everybody, is that he's not ready to die. she says sometimes, when you get old, you're ready, but he's not. he says he wants to see me and my brother and my sister graduate from college. that's why he wants to live. but everybody realizes that he he won't. he'll be lucky if he lives to see just me graduate.
and i'm not sad that he's dying. i'm more sad because he doesn't get it. even with the tumor on his brain, confusing him about normal day-to-day things, he still believes in happy endings. he still thinks that if he could just see us graduate, then it would be ok. and i want to go to him and shake him hard and tell him to give up and let go now, because it will never be ok. i want to tell him to stop believing that an ending could ever really be happy, to understand that he's only fooling himself, and that if he would just see that, then maybe he could feel happy. if he could fool himself into wanting to die, then maybe he could trick himself into feeling like it would be ok, before he dies. but i can't do that. i can't see him, and even if i could, that's not something you can say to somebody who is dying. it's not even something you should say to somebody who's alive, and living in the illusion. it's something you have to keep inside yourself forever, and it weighs you down and tears you up and makes you feel like you're the only person in the world. i wish i wasn't me.

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i've always understood your pain I dont think now is any different. if you need me I am here. if you want to talk I will call.


:( You should have called me...well I can't say I would have been able to fix everything, but I understand. I've been through it a million times, and it's not like I'm some happy perfect person now either, if that's what you think, I've just realized it's worth it to try. Because even though life may not have some huge great amazing meaning, I've realized that I at least owe it to myself to be awake for the possibility of temporary fairy tale moments...
Anyway, you're not alone. Maybe marie doesn't understand or care, but I do...I know that probably doesn't count for much, since I'm not there and all, but I think about you all the time, just hang in there ok? If I was only 4 hours away, I would drive there right now...
anyway, don't ever feel like you can't call me, and if you don't call me at least email me...it makes me sad to come on your journal and read entries like this and feel like I should have been there
I love you

dude are you still alive???
did you get my text message from last night??? Check your phone if you didn't...
If you get it text me back...

i did get it. but i don't know how to send a text message. and i guess i was too busy getting my friends kicked out of gay clubs to reply anyway. it has not been a good week.

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