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the hardest part about my grandpa, i think, is not knowing what to hope for. it seems like he's nearly gone, and i should just hope that he dies soon, but i don't want to think that way too early. if somebody, somewhere, still thinks he has life left, then i want to hope that he can live that life. but i don't know.
i can handle death. and i can handle life. but right now, he's at that place in between life and death, and it makes it hard for me to deal with. and i think sometimes that's the problem with my own life too. sometimes i can't decide whether to try to live or just to wait to die.

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I'm sorry about your grandfather... :( I don't know what else I can say about that...

About the your own life thing though...I used to feel like that a lot of the time (pretty much almost all the time the last few years) and had pretty much decided it was not worth it trying to live, and I might as well just wait to die...I wasn't actually ever going to kill myself, but had almost totally accepted the fact that life was totally hopeless...but then I met you.

Now I'm so glad I didn't totally give up. No matter how awful life may seem, you never know for sure that something really good that can change it all isn't right around the corner. Before, I would have been the last person to believe this. I thought that if nothing all that good had happened to me in 18 years, it was pretty much never going to happen. But sometimes it just takes 20 years. And maybe for some people it might take 40 years. And maybe for some, 60. And maybe for some people it might never happen...but there's really no point where you can know that for sure until you actually die. The only way you CAN know in advance that nothing good's ever going to happen is if you stop trying.

You might think that sounds like a bunch of silly motivational crap or something, and you didn't know me my first two years of college, so I guess you really didn't see me at my worst...but trust me. If *I* of all people am actually saying this, saying that I finally think life is worth living and actually believing it, then it MUST actually mean something, and it's proof that no matter how crappy life might seem, there's never a point when you should think know for sure you can give up hope...no matter how consistent things might have seemed, and no matter how long they've been that way, change and good things always are possible...this still surprises me because I spent so long being sure that it wasn't true...but now I know. It's not that my life is suddenly perfect or anything, because that's not how it happened...but I actually came on here to write something in an entry about it, so I guess I'll actually mosey on over and do that instead of comment babbling...*hugsss*

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