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ahhhhhhhhh i am so fucking happy! i am on this fucking high and nothing can bring me down! ever since sunday, i've been floating through life. everyone at my internship is in shock, seeing me like this, and i am just feeling great. it's unbelieveable. my life cannot even be happening to me. any second, i'm going to wake up and realize it's all a dream. any second, my parents are going to come home. but here's what happened.

sunday, i worked a long shift. the last 2 hours were with holly. i was a cashier and she was a bagger. this is the first time we've worked in this combination, and she bagged for me. ashley wasn't there, but ashley's mom was on register. and so is another older lady that lots of people like. but she picked me almost all the time. and when there was a break in customers, she comes straight over to my lane, and points at the newspaper under my register. she asks what it's for. i tell her it's a return, and she says 'let's look at the movies showing.' she asks when i get off and i tell her 730. she says 'let's go see a movie.' she's flipping through the paper, and finds the movie section. she doesn't get off til 11. there's one showing at 10:55. she says we'll just skip the previews, and still make it in time. i say i have my internship tomorrow... she says don't worry about it. she says come on, let's go, you know you want to, you're only young once. she says we'll invite brandy too, and it will be fun. i say 'i dunno...' and then she has to go bag for someone else, so i figure i missed my chance to say yes. but she comes back when she's done, and brings it up again. i still don't answer, she leaves again, comes back again, and brings it up a third time. this time i agree. she goes to ask brandy. then i fuck up the register about a hundred times, come close to losing a lot of money in more ways than i knew was possible, and end up feeling pretty scared and shaken up. i'm afraid of all the bosses becuase i'm afraid they're mad at me, and i feel awful for doing so bad. holly sees me after the 3rd or 4th time, and asks if i'm ok. i tell her what i did. she says it's ok, don't worry about it. she witnesses my next screw-up. she tells me to relax. when i finally get off, she's out getting carts. she comes in and goes to the service desk with me to talk to brandy. she asks if i'm ok again. i nod slowly, trying to convince myself. i feel awful. like i killed somebody or something. i am probably overreacting, but god, nobody else messes up that many times in one night. holly says 'awwww... you just had a rough night,' and gives me a hug. we discuss tonight with brandy, and sandy is there too, and after a long bit of discussion, we decide we'll just rent a movie and go to brandy's, becuase sandy has to stay in and brandy already invited sandy to her house. with that decided, i go to get my stuff and leave. holly follows me there, massaging my shoulders and telling me to go home and relax. take a nap or something, so i won't be tired for my internship. i leave. holly touching me isn't like christine touching me. i feel more special than good. sorta like i just got touched by a movie star or something. like i want to go telling everyone 'holly touched me! holly touched me!'

anyway, i come home, write a fucked up journal entry becuase i'm all shaken up from the thought of being with holly tonight and of fucking up on my register. i don't know where brandy lives, so i'm meeting holly at the store when she gets off, and she's driving me. i get changed and pace back and forth until it's time to leave. i get there really early becuae i feel like exploding, just sitting in the house. when i show up there 10 minutes early, i feel dumb. but it's cool. i talk to the ladies on register and read a magazine while i wait for holly. ashley's old boyfriend came in and holly talked to him and introduced me. then it's finally 11, and we leave. i was imagining me feeling nervous at this point. but i'm not. this isn't a date. definitely not from her perspective, but i thought it would feel like one to me, but it doesn't. it feels like holly. it feels like joking with holly at basketball or the store, only now i'm in her car. joking around when we're forced to be together is one thing. but now, she could be with anyone she wants to, and she's picking me. i feel honored beyond belief, and happy, but not nervous. we go to brandy's, and while we wait for sandy, we sort of play cards. not really though. holly and i are feeling silly. we frustrate brandy, who actually thought this would be a real game. she gets used to it pretty fast though, and the game ends when we throw all the cards at each other. then we're sitting on brandy's bed. me and holly start speaking spanish to each other, just becuase. holly gets up to go get a drink. she says something about her mom, and i say su madre es una vaca. she switches to english and cries 'my mom is NOT a cow!' and tackles me onto the bed, pretending to punch me in the face. i say 'lo siento. i meant mi madre.' she laughs and says that's better. then we go into the tv room to watch the movie brandy rented. holly goes in first. there are 2 couches that each seat 2 people. she sits on one of them. i go in next, and brandy is still in the kitchen. i don't know where to sit. holly tells me 'you can sit down...' like i'm an idiot. i tell her in a minute. i finally sit on the floor, between the 2 couches. brandy sits by holly. partway through the movie, holly switches to the empty couch. and then she switches to lay on the floor and i sit on the floor and lean against the empty couch. then she comes and sits by me on the floor, leaning against the empty couch. she wants to rewind, but the remote is on the floor on the other side of me. brandy says no rewinding. holly dives over me for the remote, and stays leaning on me, hugging my legs with one arm for balance while she rewinds. i feel strangely comfortable. touching people always makes me either feel good (if they're hot) or uncomfortable (if they're not). holly is not like anyone else. gotta go