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stupidfool
god did i ever come crashing down fast. ok, but i gotta finish what i started. i fucking hate having to leave the second my parents arrive.

anyway, sunday was cool. sandy never did show up. but the 3 of us had a good time, especially me. then when the movie was over, me and holly go to leave, and brandy asks if i want to go with them on tuesday. a bunch of them are going to friendlys to eat on tuesday. i had taken a break with her and sandy, and they had invited me then, but i'm bad at accepting or rejecting invitations. it's another problem with being 7. i can't say yes or no. i just kind of ignored the invitation. but this time, i ask when. she says in the evening sometime. holly is going too. we set a tentative time, but they still have to check with sandy and ashley and a bunch of other people who might go. oh, and holly said at the beginning of the night that my outfit was "cute," and that just made me feel good through and through. then holly drives me back to the store, where my car is. it's like 1 am. on the way, we hear that eve 6 song, here's to the night, and discuss it. she asks if i had fun, like she's worrying about ME not having fun, when all this time i was worrying about her not having fun with me. i still can't give a flat out answer. i say oh sure, now, but ask me again tomorrow. she laughs and says if i'm tired there, i can just blame it all on her, and she's sure they won't care, even though they'll have no idea who i'm talking about. when we're almost there, holly comments that this is the first time she's really hung out with me. i want to laugh. it's like this thought just occurred to her, and i've been thinking it for the past 6 hours. i want to tell her it was fun and we should do it more often. what comes out is a surprised 'you dont count the store? i thought you were only working there just to hang out with me...' and i make a sad face. i swear, i can't answer anything seriously. then we hear 112-dance with me and go crazy singing that one becuase she teases me for being a "thug," but i tell her she's just as ghetto as me. 112 isn't even thug music. if you think that's thug music, you know you're not really a thug. we get there. holly has my phone number written on her arm becuase she was going to call me before she got off work if the plans changed. i tell her to call me if the time changes for friendlys. she says yea yea. i'm worried that she's not too concerned, so i mock-threaten her, making it into a joke, but still getting it out. i tell her i'll come after her if i'm the only one at friendlys becuase she forgot to call me. she laughs and says yeah, yeah, don't worry.

then i get in my car and go home. actually, i don't go home. i am so fucking pumped up. i feel like i just won the world series. for almost 4 years, i've been dying to hang out with holly, and now that i finally give up on it, and decide to quit caring about her, it happens. and i had fun. i had so much fun. it's after 1 am and i have to wake up in less than 5 hours, but i know there's no way i'm sleeping. i want to run around and scream. i'm so excited and confused and happy. i feel like i need to tell everyone what happened, but i don't even know what happened. nothing happened. i hang out with my friends like this all the time. what's the difference? do i really like holly as more than a friend? but if i did, how do i like christine? i don't understand myself. i drive around and around, talking to myself. if there was anybody else in the car with me, they would have me committed, i swear. i try talk and calm myself down and sort things out, but what comes out is something like this 'look loser, it's no big deal-holy fucking shit you just had a great time with fucking holly, you know, holly, the girl who you've wanted to be friends with for 4 years-yeah but wait, it's really no big deal-shut the fuck up you don't know what you're saying! it's the biggest deal in the world.' eventually, i come to realize that arguing with myself isn't really helping any; it's just making me feel like i've lost my mind. so i drive home. by the time i make it in bed, it's after 2. and i don't even know if i slept at all. maybe an hour. these happy holly thoughts kept floating around in my mind.

i went to work the next day, exhausted, but still riding high from the last night. i went to bed early monday night, got lots of sleep, and went to my internship tuesday, well rested, and still higher than a kite. i was scheduled to hang out with holly again that night. i couldn't believe it. i was so thrilled, but in the back of my mind, i still had this feeling that it was all a joke, like i would show up and nobody would be there, and the whole point of sunday night was just to get me to trust them, so they could play this trick on me today. even if that's the case, sunday night was worth it. i hung out with holly. i hung out with fucking holly.

i get home, and every time the phone rings, i dive over to the caller id. my mom asks if i'm expecting a date or something. i feel embarassed and stop checking. then it rings again. i sit calmly at the table, snacking on chex mix, and my mom goes to get the phone. she says in surprise 'oh! it's holly!' and picks it up. i choke on my chex mix. i start coughing and can't stop. my mom tells holly to hang on a minute, and i get a drink of water and calm down. i answer it calmly. we do the whole what's up thing, and then she says 'hey, very important message. see, i don't want you to come after me.' she tells me that we're doing it a half hour later becuase kristy is coming straight from somewhere else, and can't get there til then. i ask her if she only remembered me becuase she hasn't showered since she wrote my number on her arm. she acts insulted and we joke around a little, and then she says see you there, and we hang up. i want to jump around the house like a maniac, but my mom and brother are here, so i have to celebrate internally. fucking holly fucking called my house and i can't fucking believe it. this is fucking crazy shit. this isn't happening. ohhh but it is. holy fucking shit. holy fucking shit. my mind can't think fast enough to process this, so it just keeps cussing.

i am having another problem sitting still, so i leave way earlier than i need to. i don't want to arrive early though, so i drive around the block 10 times before i leave. spending time with holly sure is a waste of gas. i get there and brandy's the only one there. we wait on a bench, and holly and ashley arrive together. we wait a while more, and kristy comes. sandy had to go out of town at the last minute, and a couple more people were maybe supposed to come, but we wait a while and they don't show up, so we get a table. i sit down first so i don't have to make any tough decisions, and i wind up with holly on one side of me and ashley on the other. i fuck up talking a bit, but mostly, it's just fun. they tease me about my eating habits (i prefer hot dogs and grilled cheese to anything your average adult might like). they also tease me like crazy when i tell them i went to lil bow wow, but none of it's mean, and i tease holly right back becuase she owns the lil romeo cd. (so do i, but i don't mention that.) we spend a long time in the restaurant, becuase we can't decide what to order, and then they take forever with our check. but i don't care. i could stay there forever. about halfway through my chicken fingers, the reality of this situation hits me again. i am sitting between holly, who i've wanted to hang out with for years, and ashley, who is the hottest girl in this town. it is too good too be true. it is so amazing that i just start laughing. nobody said anything even remotely funny, so they all stare at me. them staring makes me laugh harder. i try to stop, and i just can't. i accidentally snort, and then holly starts cracking up too. the 3 of them stare at us and holly hoots 'she snorted!!!!' they think we're dumb, but i feel 100 times better becuase i'm not the only one who can't stop laughing. finally, we calm down. holly keeps fidgeting and bumping into me, so after a while, i start fidgeting back, only exaggerating it, so i'm slamming my legs into hers on purpose. we punch each other for a bit. then all of us joke around a little, and we're having fun, and brandy says 'dude, next summer is going to rule, when you're 21. we'll have so much fun!' this kinda takes me by surprise. first, i don't drink, and unless i'm out of the closet, i don't plan on starting, just becuase it's become legal for me to do so. brandy doesn't know that. holly knows i don't drink. or holly knew i didn't drink. but i know holly does drink, and i was worried that she didn't like me becuase i didn't, so i'd been acting like i party more than i do when i'm around her. so now, holly is probably just confused. kristy agrees, that it will be fun, and i even see ashley nodding a little. holly keeps her mouth shut. i don't even think i'm going to be here next summer. if you had asked me saturday night where i would be next summer, i would have told you columbus, without a doubt. but now, i'm just confused. i like hanging out with holly. christine is frustrating becuase i know i want something more and i'll never get it. but here, it seems like i'd be perfectly content to spend the rest of my night just going out every couple nights with holly and a group of friends. and if that's all it takes to make me happy, i don't even have to come out of the closet. if i can actually become friends with holly, this would be 100 times better than torturing myself through coming out of the closet, and still winding up wanting to be more than friends with a straight girl who doesn't care about me. i don't know how to answer brandy, so i don't. i don't really respond at all. then brandy suggests we go see a movie, or do something after this. i don't ever answer things like this, but kristy agrees. they look at holly and ashley. ashley says apologetically 'we can't...' brandy pretends to be hurt while holly explains that they already made plans to meet their friends from a few towns over tonight. so brandy says 'fine. we outnumber you anyway. we'll just have fun by ourselves.' we're still waiting for the check. eve-who's that girl comes on. holly starts singing the who's that girl part, so i echo the background thing 'na na na na na...' kristy brings up the next summer thing again. i slowly ask 'what if i don't come back next summer?' brandy says you have to, and kristy agrees. they start talking about all the things i could do besides the same internship, and how i would like it just fine if i didn't have to work there, and don't i like hanging out with them? i say we'll see. then they start talking about some tv show that me and holly have never seen. we joke around with each other while they discuss it, but still sort of listen to them. some show that's on thursdays. then, a few minutes later, brandy points to the doorway and says 'look! it's dawn!' we all turn to look, except for ashley, who says 'no it's not! it's not a thursday!' we all look at each other, and then at her. i explain diplomatically 'i guess dawn doesn't eat unless it's thursday.' and then we just start laughing. ashley laughs at our confusion, even though she's completely lost. it takes us a few minutes to stop laughing, but when we do, she explains that she thought brandy said 'look, it's on,' referring to the tv show. maybe you had to be there, but it was the funniest thing ever. i may have just enjoyed it becuase for once, we weren't laughing at me, but it really was funny anyway. it was just a great time. finally, the waiter brings back our change, and we leave. the song isn't on any more, but holly sings to me 'who's that girl?' and i run through the background thing and she answers 'eve's that girl,' right in time, and we just laugh. it was tight. then holly and ashley go one way, and the 3 of us go the other. i still have fun hanging out with brandy and kristy, but after a while, i couldn't help but think that i should be in bed. i would have just left them, but i know if holly was still there, i would never leave, so i feel like i ought not play favorites. if i would stay for holly, i should stay for them. i wind up getting in really late again, and going to my internship on very little sleep. but i'm still riding fucking high. i hung out with holly TWICE! yeah, there are no more plans to hang out with her any more, but who fucking knows? two times! and once, ashley was there! holly fucking called me! life is fucking good.

then, today, i stopped up at the store on my way home from the internship. holly was there, and i knew it. i needed to check the schedule and get my paycheck. brandy said hey to me, and holly too. she took my paycheck and looked it over, commenting on how impressed she was that i could make so much when i worked so few days. then i went to check the schedule, and that's what brought me crashing down from my high. i don't work with holly any more. her last week is next week, and in that week, i don't work with her at all. she is going away to school. i am staying here, and then going to a different school. it is done. it's over before it even started. i knew she was leaving soon, but i got so caught up in the excitement of the present that i forgot to look past today. actually, i forgot to look past tuesday. ever since tuesday ended, i've been cheerfully living in the past, and it fucking rules. living in the past, and assuming that the future is going to bring more of the same, without ever really thinking about it. but now, i'm thinking about it. it's over. yes, i had a great time with holly. no, i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. but i shouldn't go thinking that my whole life is spectacular just becuase i hung out with holly twice. it was temporary. she is leaving. i am leaving. coming back next summer in the hopes that she will be here and will still remember me would be dumb. and she wasn't even the one all excited about next summer; it was brandy and kristy. this isn't right. life with holly may be fun, but it's still a lie. i need to be somewhere where i can live the truth, and here just isn't that place. the rest of my summer is pretty much going to suck. i have some good holly memories, but now that i know it's ending, they hurt more than they help. i have this playlist of holly songs. i have one of christine songs (which consists of whitney houston-i will always love you, and songs that make me think of her, like george michaels faith, becuase i still remember how the first line of that song drove me out of my mind when i was looking at her), and one of holly songs. the holly one is almost 50 songs long. holly and i sing and dance all the time, and i've been building the playlist for almost 4 years. i put it on and listen to it. i miss her already and she isn't even gone yet. i miss christine too. but it's different and i don't understand. holly confuses me. still. holly will probably always confuse me. i always think i'll never see holly again. basketball ended, and i was sure i wouldn't see her again. but then she went to some soccer camp i went to. that ended, and i was sure i wouldn't see her again. but then she got a job at the grocery store that's 5 minutes from my house, and every time my mom sent me up there to get something, she was there. then summer came and she said she was going to quit, and i was sure i'd never see her again. but then i got a job there and she didn't quit, and all summer long i had a great time. summer ended, and this time i was sure for real. i was going away to columbus for a year-i would never see her again. but when i came back, i got my job back, and she was still there. now i'm sure i won't see her again, and this time i think it's for real. but that's what i thought last time. and the time before. i'll probably end up working with holly in the buisness world somewhere, with us both going into engineering. that's just the way it's been. but i'll still be confused by her. i don't understand. i thought there were 2 ways to like a person, and i understood them both. but i like holly, and it's different and i just don't understand. i don't fucking get it.

ok well a few little things. jim keeps emailing me. he's not over me. so far, he's invited me to see a movie with him, check out his apartment, take a trip to california with him, and go bowling. and that's just in the past 4 emails.
i miss christine, still, even with all this holly stuff going on. but for a week, holly was a nice distraction, so i wasn't missing her quite so often.
i still work with ashley a few times. holly's an athlete so she has to go to school early, but ashley has a few extra weeks. maybe something good will happen and she'll wind up convincing holly to keep in touch with me. or maybe not, but i may as well hope.

i gotta go to work now. holly is already off. god, why couldn't that high have lasted just a few weeks longer...? i knew i had to come down sometime, but it sure is nice sitting on top of the world.

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