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stupidfool
tuesday at my internship, about 4 minutes before i was supposed to leave, i got an email from jim. the first few paragraphs were just normal, but the last one was a bit of a surprise. it started out: 'i like you.' then it proceeded to list quite a few things that he liked about me: 'i think it's cute, how you sometimes forget words, but always come up with something to get your point across. i like how i can tell how much sleep you've gotten the previous night, even when you don't mention it, just by reading your emails. i like that you know all the songs from my childhood, and the songs from yours. i like...' and it went on. then, the last sentance of the email was 'i would appreciate it if you would make some remarks on this subject.'
so i went home. i wasn't going to hang around this place just to email jim, especailly when i had no idea what to tell him. i drove home and went crazy. what do i tell jim?
the second i pulled in the driveway, my mom came out and sent me up to the store for eggs and cheese. holly wouldn't be there for a few more hours, but maybe brandy would, and she could invite me to her house tonight... so i went. i went inside, and brandy wasn't there. i got the eggs and cheese, and on my way back to the car, someone honked at me. i looked and it was brandy. she wasn't working, but she was here with 2 guys i didn't recognize, getting snacks. she got out and started talking to me. and then she asked if i wanted to come over to her house tonight. she said sandy was coming over around 10. she didn't mention that holly was coming, but i knew it. unfortunately, i was having troubles accepting or declining invitations again. i told her maybe. i lied 'i was thinking about maybe taking tomorrow off anyway, but i have to run it by my parents. if they say it's ok, then i'll come.' she said ok, and wrote down her phone number for me, so i could call to make sure i knew how to get there if i decided to come.
so i went home, and now there were 2 things on my mind. it was only 5, so i had plenty of time to think before i had to make a decision. but i couldn't think. i was overwhelmed by it all. i did everything i could think of to try to relax. i went out and shot some hoops in the driveway. i went for a run. i came back and played every beethoven piece i knew on the piano (not many-i only learned music that my sister's piano teacher gave her, so even though i really like beethoven, i don't get choices.) i took a long shower. when i was finally done, i forced myself to think. jim first. i didn't want to answer him. the easy thing to do would be to act like i didn't understand what he wanted. he hadn't really asked me how i felt about him. he had just asked me to comment on how he felt about me. i could easily remark 'gee, i'm glad you like me so much. i like me too,' and be done with it. but that was just prolonging the inevitable. he had been getting bolder all summer, and if i didn't tell him what he wanted to know now, it wouldn't be long before he asked again. maybe i could play dumb, and pretend i didn't realize he meant it in a romantic way. i could just say 'i like you too.' that would completely be leading him on, but at least i wouldn't have to tell him that i wasn't interested in him. but wait, why didn't i want to tell him i wasn't interested in him? after all, i WASN'T interested in him. that was something he needed to know. i wanted to wait though. i wanted to wait until i got back to columbus. and the reason i wanted to do that was because of christine. the jim drama had given us something to talk about, and it was making her ask the question 'why don't you like jim?', which was getting her close to finding out the truth, which is what i think i want. that's incredibly selfish of me. there's no way i should wait until then to tell him something he deserved to know 4 months ago, just so i can get something out of it. that settled it. tomorrow i would email him. i wouldn't be mean, and maybe i wouldn't tell him that i didn't like him like that, but if i told him i liked him, i would definitely have to put something about friend in there. friend is a magic word to guys, i think. i wouldn't really know, but it seems that when you say 'friend,' they know what you mean. or i hope so anyway.
now, on to brandy. i shouldn't go. i knew that. if i went, there was no way i would get more than 4 hours of sleep, by the time i got home and got ready for bed, and calmed myself down enough to actually sleep. and i was tired already, right now. i hadn't slept much the past weekend, so i really needed to catch up on sleep. but holly was going to be there. it was the last chance i would have to hang out with holly. i think that's prolonging the inevitable too. holly's going to leave soon anyway, so why should i enjoy it now, when it's going to end anyway? but i guess if you look at it that way, life is just prolonging the inevitable too. in the end, we're all going to die, so why bother to live? i guess life would be pretty dull if everyone thought that way. and wait-what had jim said about the amount of sleep i got? if he could tell from my emails how much sleep i had gotten, and i wrote the email on not much sleep, he would know not to take it too seriously. it was an excuse, almost like being able to say 'i was drunk when i wrote it,' only not quite as good. still, that would work. it was good.
so around 10, i called brandy and asked if people were still there. she said the guys were and sandy hadn't arrived yet, but holly was supposed to be coming when she got off work. i got directions and got there around 11. sandy still wasn't there, but i met the guys. we played video games (i lost every one) and talked, and then holly arrived. she was like 'i wanna play loser at this!' and she crushed me. then we played trivial pursuit (brandy won; i came in second, then holly, and the guys lost real bad). around 1:30, the guys left. i stood up to go too, and holly said 'no loser, you can't leave! come on, play me at this game one more time.' one more time turned into 2 more times turned into 3 more times... but eventually, we stopped, she got changed, and we left. something was different. i wasn't so excited. i wasn't so happy. i had had fun, i guess, but i wasn't on that high. maybe i was just tired. but maybe this was just what i needed. if holly left and i still thought of her as a goddess, i would be sad. but if holly left, and i didn't really care so much, it would be easier on me. this was maybe ok... i needed to sleep on it. i fell asleep right away, and the next day at work, i was still tired. i emailed jim, and i stuck the word friend in there. i was sort of zombie-like, so i don't really know how it fit in, or how i did it. but i said friend. that's what counts.


ok, right now, there was a strange turn of events, and i am off to work. it's holly's last day of work, and i'm going to be there with her. i'll be back later.

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