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when i got off work at 5, i washed my shower curtain liner. as i was hanging it back up, i found myself thinking of the first time i hung it up, with help from marie. i remembered how we laughed because she did 8 hooks in the time it took me to do 4. we joked about how she was a better hooker than me... then i came over to my computer, and set my cell phone on the desk to charge, right where i can get to it if it rings. i found myself remembering the way i always used to do this, hoping that marie would call. 75% of the time, by the time i got done at the computer, she had called. i just wished that she would call again, just so we could talk about nothing or everything or anything, the way that friends do... i started getting sad and depressed, so i forced myself to stop. i told myself that it was stupid to sit around writing journal entries about how much i missed her, or wishing that she would call. the fact was, things weren't the same. she wasn't going to come hang shower curtains with me, or call me, ever again. getting depressed about it would do me no good.

i got up and went to giant eagle. a little bit of grocery shopping before my big night of gay bowling would take my mind off of her, i was sure.

but as i was sifting through the pints of raspberries at giant eagle, my cell phone rang. it was marie.

when i answered it, i figured she would have some question, or reason for calling. i tried to figure out how to get it out of her, but eventually, it became apparent that she didn't have anything specific to say. she just wanted to talk, it seemed... we talked for almost a half hour. we talked about work (today was a crazy day, and she missed it), about my potential roommates, and about gay bowling. she told me how jeffy is going into the military, and she's going to his party this weekend.

i wanted to ask about megan. i wanted to ask where megan was, and why marie wasn't with her, because i wanted to know why marie had called me... but i knew that there was no way i could say anything like that without sounding rude or jealous, and making her angry. so i didn't ask.

and now i'm lost again. if i just knew what to think, i could deal with it. if i knew that she wanted nothing to do with me, i could handle it. if i knew she just wanted to be friends, i could deal with that. but i can't take the way she hates me some days and likes me others... i either want to be always something or always nothing.

or i don't know. maybe my real problem is that i either want to be always everything or always nothing. maybe my whole issue is just that i can't be her everything... maybe i am always something to her, but something isn't good enough for me, because feeling like i'm something keeps giving me hope, and making me feel like maybe i can be everything again, when i actually can't. so maybe if my only choice is to be something or nothing, then i would be better off being nothing? but that would mean that the answer to my problems would be to beg her to consistently be mean to me, and that just doesn't seem right... wouldn't i rather us be civil to each other?