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i am a moron
stupidfool
hey. well today just sucked. i made it to all my classes. this was a good thing, becuase i feel funny when christine always asks, and i always say i didn't go to most, or i only went to one. i'm telling the truth, but i worry that she might stop believing me becuase i don't seem like i would be a poor student. i'm not a poor student, actually. my grades are good. i just don't like to attend classes. only today i go to work, and it's the first day she's seen me and not asked about my classes since that whole tyrone conversation. well shit. doesn't that figure. and i know i can't maintain this streak through tomorrow. so i'm fucked. jim asks today, though, so at least i get to brag to him about my studious day.

ok, so where do i even start? first, i throw a pen at some customer. it was honestly an accident (like i would ever purposefully throw anything at a customer), but this customer was all upset to start with because her oj rang up wrong and i had to go back and check the price instead of just believing her. i'm sorry, but if i listened to everyone who told me something was ringing up wrong, the store would be out a lot of money. most people just misread the shelf tags. so she gets all mad and storms out of the store and i feel guilty. and to make matters worse, jeff is one register over, teasing me mercilessly about this. sometimes i'm fine with jeff, but sometimes his teasing gets old, and this was one of those times.

then i'm still upset from that, so i fuck up some lady's order, and without me noticing, i ring her up for a negative balance. she only bought like 1 thing, but i guess i accidentally scanned her coupon more than once. and i didn't notice until i had already cash tendered it out. so then i have to call jp over to fix it while this huge line of people glare at me, and i know that this is completely my fault.

then it's slightly less busy and it's time for christine's break. since i'm on express, she comes through my line. she makes me so fucking nervous that i can't even believe myself. so i'm fine when i don't notice that she's back there, but i've got 3 customers in front of her and i see her. so i drop the first guy's change all over the floor and crawl around picking it up. the 2nd lady buys 2 gallons of milk, and i go to ask her if she wants it in a bag, but my mind is absolutely not thinking about this lady's milk, with christine 2 customers away. so with my hand on the milk, i ask 'do you want your pants in a bag?' the lady just stares at me like i'm from another planet, and i don't even realize what i said. she figures it out and says no thanks, and leaves with her unbagged milk, still giving me this strange look. and as she's walking out the door, i realize that i said pants when i meant milk. so now there's one guy between me and christine. i'm usually a pretty fast cashier, but all of a sudden, i can't find the barcodes on any of his items. i'm fumbling them all. and i go to put like 4 things of yogurt in this plastic bag, only somehow i miss the bag and when i go to take the bag off the holder, it comes out empty and the 4 yogurts are still sitting on the holder. so i stuff them in the bag quick, only i drop 2 of them. miraculously, they don't break. and i go to get him his change, and i need to open a new roll of quarters, but i can't get them open. i try and try and finally i'm frustrated and christine is watching, probably getting impatient, so i take the roll of quarters and just whack it hard on the side of my drawer. the stupid thing busts open and quarters go everywhere. i dump the few that are still in the roll where they go, give the guy his change, and kick the ones that went in the aisle over into my little cashier pocket, to pick up later. then i go to ring up christine's stuff and she wants a bag becuase she's got a bunch of stuff, saving some for later, and i can't get a plastic bag to separate from the rest. she says nothing, just watches me try with no success. finally i grab one that was on the floor and i stuffed under my register and use it. then she gives me cash and of course my ones are brand fucking new and all sticking together, and of course she needs 4 of them. i try to count them out and i can hardly keep my hands from shaking. holy fuck, i am crazy nervous. she's gotta notice. she must think i am the biggest fucking moron she's ever met. i finally get the ones out and when i go to scoop out her change, i miss every single time. she reaches over and takes her reciept off of the printer, and i finally get her change together and give it to her. she says thanks and takes her stuff and leaves. and that's it. and i am absolutely hopeless. i am sweating, not a lot, but more than i should be in this nice air conditioned building. and i am still shaking. and i can't think; my head is a mess of jumbled thoughts and i am absolutely nervous. the butterflies in my stomach are worse than they were when i had to give a fucking valedictory address to hundreds of people, and i hate public speaking. it takes all the way up to my break until i've finally begun to settle down from that.

rex walks up to the break room with me. he asks what year i am, and asks if christine is the same year. damn, just her name makes me nervous. i say i think she's older than me. i don't mention that i know for a fact that she's one year and 5 months older than me. he asks how i like my college, cuz he's thinking of going there. i tell him i hate it. he looks a little surprised, so i tell him that it's not really this specific college, it's probably just college in general. i don't like my major and any college i was at in this major, i would probably hate. jim comes up and we sit in the break room and mess around with jim's box opener and rex's empty plastic soda bottle. zeke comes up too. rex is on break; jim and zeke are not. i often wonder if they all really sneak up here this often, or if it's only when i'm around. it would be flattering if it's all becuase of me, but i think mostly they're just lazy and would sneak up here to take a break with anyone half-interesting. we discuss this older customer, joe, who has a crush on christine and a small crush on me. every time he comes in, he asks if either of us are working. i like this discussion. it puts me and christine together, in the same category. that doesn't happen often. too bad she's not here to hear how much alike we are at this time. all she sees is me dropping everything i touch on the ground. and rex leaves when his break is over, but he actually clocked out a few minutes before me, since he bought food. so i stay up there and talk to jim and zeke, and end up taking 7 minutes too long. i always feel guilty when i do this, but i don't have a very good sense of time, and i never remember to look at my watch when i'm talking to people.

they put me back on express. most people would object to that, but it really doesn't bother me. on the schedule, it has christine closing with jane tonight, but jane's not back there. it's just christine and jp, and jp is supposed to leave at 8. he leaves at 815 and tasha comes in shortly thereafter. i am confused. around 9, there's nobody in my line, and christine calls me over to the service desk. deshawn is over there too. she asks if i heard about jane's grandpa and i say no. she shows this card and says jane's grandpa died and asks me to sign it. so i do, and she says something to me and deshawn about how this is the first grandparent that jane has lost, and the first one is hard. i say i guess, but i still have all of mine, so i wouldn't know. she says she only has one grandma left. her first grandparent died when she was 1, then two died in '99. now what i'm thinking at this point is that she doesn't really know exactly what jane is going through becuase she was only 1 and surely doesn't actually remember losing her first grandparent. what comes out of my mouth, though, is 'that one doesn't count.' she takes offense to that... like i blame her... i say the dumbest things... she says 'what do you mean, it doesn't count? it counts! i only have 1 grandparent left, partly because the one that 'doesn't count' is dead! how can it not count?' i mumble 'thats not what i meant to say,' and hurry over to help the customer that just showed up at my register, thank god. she's not terribly mad at me because she's pretty used to me saying the wrong thing, but she's sure not happy. why do i fuck everything up?

then i alternate running and bagging for jeff the next one over. i am not in a very good state of mind, and everything i say is not quite right. one time i'm bagging for jeff, and instead of asking 'paper or plastic?', i ask 'do you want atm or credit?' at least this customer isn't angry, so jeff and the customer get a good laugh at this. eventually, i laugh too. sometimes i'm so idiotic that it is slightly amusing. and i continue to say the dumbest things for the rest of the night, and of course jeff catches them all. but i've heard jeff say some pretty dumb things, so i tease him back. since it's slow, i spend most of the time just joking back and forth with jeff, which takes my mind off of my stupidity, and makes me feel a little better.

then christine asks me to bring her my drawer, even though i'm not supposed to leave for 25 more minutes. so i do, and she takes it from me and asks 'loser, do you smoke weed?' well holy shit, i wasn't expecting a question like that. it takes me by such surprise that all i can do is answer honestly, 'no.' she asks why. why? i dont know what to say to that. 'uhhh.... cuz it's bad,' i stammer. i sound like some 8-year old fresh out of dare or something. shit. then she asks 'do you drink?' i am again taken completely by surprise. (ok, i am going on another aside here. i don't drink. and the reason i don't think is that everything i've heard about being drunk leads me to believe that drunk people don't lose their mind, they just lose their self-restraint. and they lose their good judgement. so as a drunk, you don't do things that you don't think about doing sober. you do things that you do think about doing when you're sober, but you have the common sense to realize that it's not a good idea, and you have the self-restraint to keep yourself from doing it. this, to me, means that if i were drunk, it would probably take any observer about 10 seconds to figure out that i'm a lesbian. i don't want people to know that. i am terrified of what i might do if i were drunk at some party with all these hot girls everywhere. and everyone there would never look at me the same. most of the time, when people ask if i drink, i just say no, becuase i don't like the taste of it. and if i'm at a party, and someone offers me some of whatever they're drinking, i'll go ahead and take a sip, and then declare 'ewww, that's sick, how can you drink that?', even if it tastes good. and that's a good enough reason. i've actually talked to both jim and tommy about my drinking (or lack thereof), and explained it off as just not liking the taste. most people are cool with that. but i've often thought about what i would say if christine ever asked me that. i want so badly for her to understand me and like me anyway. i want to think that she is just like me. but i don't want to tell her. i also don't want to purposefully lie to her to throw her off of the truth. so i had a prepared response for this question. it was 'no, but i'm not morally opposed to it or anything.' this was to explain that i'm not just some goody-two shoes. and then she would probably ask 'you just don't like the taste?' and i would answer 'well, no, thats not quite it...' and then we would roll from there. wherever that took us. i probably wouldn't tell the truth. but i wouldn't be lying either. i could maybe even mention that i was scared, and just not say what i was scared of. it was about a month ago, that i decided that this was how our conversation should go. and i rehearsed my part for about a week, and then i stopped thinking about it.) so anyway, back to the original story. she asks 'do you drink?' i was absolutely not expecting this. i am still thinking about telling her that her dead grandparent doesn't count, and i was not at all prepared for her to have moved on. so every pre-planned thought slipped my mind. i am standing there in shock, while her, tasha, and deshawn all wait for my answer. i say 'uhhh... i don't know.'
'you don't know?' she asks.
i try to find a response, and come up empty-handed.
she says 'i'll take that as a yes, you do.'
i protest 'no, not here. i don't here.'
and then the conversation is over and she's counting my drawer. i turn and head back to jeff's register. i want to shoot myself. what the fuck. 'i dont know.' what the fuck kind of answer is that? why the hell do i even consider these questions when i can't remember them when it counts? and why the fuck can't i remember them when it counts? why am i such an idiot? and how is that letting her know anything more about me than anyone else? that question was like my window of opportunity, and i just flat-out blew it. and then i wonder where that quesiton came from. why did she ask me if i smoked weed? do i seem like the type of person to smoke weed? or am i just such an idiot that she thinks i come to work high?

so i bag for jeff and collect the returns while this question is still on my mind. 20 minutes later, it's dead, and christine tells me i can leave early if i want, or i can just stay the last 4 minutes. i tell her i'll stay because i have to wait on the bus anyway. and 4 minutes later, i clock out and go up there to let them know i'm leaving. i want to know why she asked those questions... i have a new paycheck up there too, and i want it. only it's christine who asks what i need, so of course i lose my mind and say 'can i have my...' and forget what i'm asking for.
'paycheck?' she asks.
'yeah, yeah, paycheck,' i echo.
she just laughs and while she's getting it for me, i rehearse the question in my mind several times to make sure it comes out right, then gather up my nerves, and ask 'why did you ask me that question?'
she stares at me blankly. 'what question?' she asks. apparently, just because things stay in my mind for hours at a time doesnt mean that everyone else in this world has such a one-track mind.
'if i smoked weed,' i say.
she laughs. she's always laughing at me. she says becuase she asks everyone that. becuase she does. i look at her in shock. all i can think to say is 'that's bad for you.'
she quickly says 'well, i don't any more. but i used to. i like it.'
i say oh and thats about it. i walk away with my paycheck, thinking about how everything i have said today has sounded completely idiotic. 'that's bad for you' who do i think i am, her mom or something? don't i think she knows that? so now she thinks i'm some kind of uptight christian who looks down upon people who do anything 'bad' or something. fuck. and how about 'i don't know.'? that one is still killing me. i fucking rehearsed that question - for weeks, i was just WAITING for her to ask me, and when she finally does, i fuck it up. and then, how can i forget telling her that her dead grandparent 'doesn't count.'? and that's not even counting how i took 25 minutes to count out her change... what a completely miserable failure i am. why can't i act intelligent around her? why can't she like me?

so i'm out at the bus stop, completely lost in my own thoughts, and deshawn comes out. i have never ridden the bus with deshawn in my life, and i ride the bus all the time. he says he rides it every day, but he ususally gets off work earlier. i don't want him to be here. i want to sit here and get all upset over everything i've said wrong today, not try to make small talk to him. it would be different if this were jim or tommy or even jeff or rex or zeke. i hardly ever talk to deshawn. his favourite thing to do is to make fun of people, mostly customers, but more recently, of marie. a bunch of people at big bear, mostly the younger ones, but including christine, are mad at marie for some reason, and i guess i missed whenever that happened. and i haven't seen marie since i found out, and even if i had, i wouldn't have said anything. anyway, deshawn makes people laugh, especially christine, but it bothers me. i mean, anybody making christine happy besides me upsets me, but this is different. i like people who are funny, but i don't like people who get their laughs by making fun of other people. i know plenty of people who can make me laugh without dissing other people, so i know there's other ways to be funny. so i don't really have much respect for deshawn, or anyone else who makes other people look bad just for some laughs. but he's not too worried about impressing me either, and there's nobody around for him to make fun of, so he's not even trying to be funny. we have awkward, short conversations while we wait for the bus. i had a better conversation with that random ben kid last night than i did with deshawn. so basically, if he can't make someone look bad, there's not much to him. or maybe i'm too quick to judge, i don't know. when i get to my stop, i get off and say 'see ya' to him, and i am reminded of how ben said that to me last night. i can't help but think that i would much rather see ben again than see deshawn again. not that i liked ben all that much, but at least he was friendly and easy to talk to. too bad he doesn't work at big bear and deshawn work the 80 hours a week wherever else.

umm ok so that's my day. i've got on darkside ballaz and master p and three six mafia, trying to get myself awake and get my mind off christine so i can stay up all night doing mech eng homework due tomorrow, ee homework due tomorrow, and studying for my psych quiz tomorrow. it's gunna be a long night...

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