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the gay man
stupidfool
last week, i noticed him, which says a lot, because last week, i didn't notice much of anything. in fact, i only remember 3 things from last week. i remember that everybody looked at me in the bowling meeting when he said, 'and anybody under 18 will need parental permission.' i remember that there were 2 relatively young, relatively hot girls in the league, on a team together. and i remember stacy copeland, who bowled 6 strikes in a row, with a ball that curved like mad crazy... i remember being amazed, because it would look like he was about to get a gutter ball, and then the ball would curve back in and smack the pins right in the middle, at just the right angle, and he had another strike. i remember how intense he was, too, and how he would punch his fist in the air, at the same moment that the ball struck the pins, as if he was encouraging the pins to fall over. i remember that by the time he nailed his 6th strike in a row, everybody was congratulating him, even me, who was bowling 2 lanes over. and i remember that when my wrist got sore, and i went to switch from a 10-lb ball to a 6-lb ball, stacy encouraged me to use the heavier ball, because you get more spin and more [insert some bowling term here that means you knock down lots of pins] with heavier balls.

because of his excellent games last week, stacy ended up with a handicap of only 20. (in comparison, my handicap was 89.) this week, we bowled against stacy's team. we were down one person, because charlton didn't show up. they were down one person because a man named jim-bo didn't show up.

there were two rows of tables, one closer to the lanes, and one slightly farther back. i sat on one side of a close table with angel, my teammate. mark, stacy's teammate, sat opposite us. stacy sat by himself, at a table in the back row. he seemed intense, and serious... mark and angel bowled opposite each other. stacy and i bowled opposite each other. his first game was off. he didn't even break 100. he just seemed silent and troubled... when we added in the handicaps and discovered that with handicaps, angel and i had won, i felt bad for poor stacy, who did so well last week. i told mark, 'yeah, but it's only because we sucked last week, and he bowled 6 strikes in a row.'
mark agreed, 'yeah, he really blew his handicap.'
stacy just focused intently on the lane and the pins, like he was trying to figure out where he had gone wrong.

but in the second game, when i bowled my first strike of the night, it was stacy who silently extended his hand in congratulations. and when i followed that up with a spare, stacy noticed and and gave me a high five. and then, around about the 5th frame, somebody put on a song. i wish i could remember which song it was, but i can't... it was one of the songs that you hear in clubs a lot, an old one, like 'i will survive,' but that wasn't it. and stacy, who was standing in front of me, waiting for the lanes next to him to finish their turns, began to dance. it wasn't a very obvious dance. he just shifted his hips slightly, in rhythm to the music, and a slight smile played on his lips. and that was when the feeling hit me. i liked him. i was intrigued by him. i wanted to listen to everything he said and watch everything he did and know everything there was to know about him. i wanted to do something so that when tonight was over, and we were not sharing a lane any more, there would still be some bond between us...

the 2nd game ended and the 3rd game began. stacy did better, but he never did as well as he had done the first night.

when the 3rd game ended, we were the first teams done. (bowling with 2 people per team, instead of 3, tends to speed things up a bit.) we gave each other high-5s, and the ones i gave to angel and mark were nothing, but the one i shared with stacy made me happy. we tallied up the scores and i thought maybe i should stay and be social, but nobody was really talking, and besides, there was a ddr pad at home, calling my name... i said, 'good game,' to mark and angel. then i went to my shoes, which happened to be at the back table, by stacy. i put them on in silence, trying to think of something to say to stacy, who was sitting next to me for the first and probably last time ever... i didn't come up with anything, and once my shoes were on, i didn't know what else to do, besides to leave. as i was walking out the door, it occurred to me that, 'good game,' would probably have been a nice starting point...

i walked out to my car, and i felt sad. i felt like i was losing something important... i wished i would have said something to stacy. i was beating myself up over it... and i was upset that this was the end. it was the same way i used to feel when i went away to soccer camp, met a hot girl, took her pants off for a week straight, and then had to leave her... i consoled myself by thinking that maybe next week, we won't share a lane, but we could still bowl next to each other... so maybe i could still keep an eye on him...

it's not like i'm attracted to him, sexually. but i am attracted to him on some other level, the same way i'm attracted to missy, and the same way i used to be attracted to christine (before it turned sexual) and a million girls before them. i don't know why i feel this way... does this mean that if i were to see stacy on a regular basis for a while, i would start to develop sexual feelings for him?? does it mean that i'm not gay? what is going on?

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I dont think that your not gay, but hey maybe u could be bi you know, it is possible and its not a bad thing or anything. You dont have to be either straight or gay. Just go with what your feeling. I dunno maybe you just find him interesting has a person and just want to get to be good friends with him or something. Meh I probably dont make much sense its 2am and I need sleep, good luck anyways! :D

man, i hope i'm not bi, and i just find him interesting as a person and want to be his friend, or something along those lines, anyway... but thanks!

p.s. what have you been up to lately? i haven't seen any entries from you in a long time...

yeah i have to go to class now but it reminds me of my "oh my god what if I never see that person again and they were my soulmate" paranoia...
in my opinion,
a) you could very well feel that way without being or ever being sexually attracted to someone (although less often, it has definitely happened to me with people I have not been attracted to that way) or
b) even if you were attracted to him it could just be an exception, or something you wouldn't want to act on anyway (I've been a little into a few gay boys before but would never actually date them even if I could)
or
c) even if you really, truly were attracted to him and it wasn't a one time thing, it wouldn't mean you weren't still attracted to girls
d) even if you decided you were not attracted to girls at all, it would be a little far-fetched and strange, but not the end of the worlde) worms = bad

ahh gonna be late for class *runs away*

ooooh it did! like when i was driving home from the bowling alley, and feeling so sad, like i has missed out on something huge, i was thinking of you and your 'oh my god what if i never see that person again' thing...
and no way to (d)! i don't think that could ever ever ever ever ever happen!
no more worms...

that was supposed to say
e) worms = bad
on a new line by the way - too much trouble to edit comment

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