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i feel like i'm at some sort of huge turning point in my life... a fork in the road, if you will. everything in my life has led up to this, but it's probably the combination of marie, sammie, missy, and stacy copeland, all present in my life, all at once, that made it all culminate right now.

before, i always believed that if you liked somebody (more than you like your average friend), then you had to like them in every way you could like somebody. i never thought of it as a theory, or anything like that. i always just thought that was how it was, for me, and for everybody else, too. so when i met a girl i was sexually attracted to, but hardly knew, i just assumed that she had a great personality, and was a wonderful person, because why else would i be so strongly attracted to her? i knew that there was attraction, and in my mind, attraction was the start of a crush, and a crush was the start of love. if i ever had the guts to get to know any of these girls, i was sure that love was just a few steps away. i never stopped to ask myself, 'would i want to spend the rest of my life with her?' i knew the answer had to be yes. similarly, i never wondered, 'would i want to have sex with her?' of course i would. sex went with love, and this was bound to be love, just as soon as she returned the feeling. since i was always too shy to attempt to get to know any of these little crushes, i never disproved my thoughts. when the girl left my life forever, i still thought of her as a beautiful person who i had missed out on getting to know.

now, i've finally realized that i've been completely wrong all along. love, like, lust, and attraction are completely separate... you can be attracted to somebody, but not love them and have no desire to sleep with them. you can love somebody and not want to sleep with them. you can love somebody and enjoy sleeping with them, but it still doesn't mean that you will want to spend the rest of your life with that person. and you can sleep with somebody you don't love, and it can still feel damn good. if you're lucky, you'll find all four in one person. if not, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy the feeling of being insanely attracted to somebody, and it doesn't mean you can't have sex...

so i guess i'm enlightened, now... and i just have to decide where to go from here. my first impulse is just to forget love for now... i mean, that's the hardest part, right? i'll find it if i find it, and until then, i may as well have sex... but then my second impulse, which comes rushing in right after the first, is that that's a terrible way to think! i'm likely to hurt a lot of girls that way, if i don't hurt myself, first...

my conclusion is that i'm just going to stand at this fork in the road for a good long time, maybe starting down one side or the other, but never straying too far from the fork, until i decide what i really want. after all, like marie said, you shouldn't be having sex with anybody if you're not sure that you want to be having sex with that person.

(at least, this is my conscious decision. let's hope i can stick with it the next time a pretty girl winds up in my arms, sucking on my neck and whispering my name...)

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wow you have a fork too? I obviously didn't know this when I was thinking about all my forkage...stop stealing pieces out of my brain!

we must have taken the wrong fork in the road - you took the salad fork!
-Rocky Horror

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