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i hurt please make it stop hurting
christine is gone to jail they thought she was stealing money they were watching her for a long time and yesterday they finally caught her and that's why she left early. for jail. and she's gone. and i hurt. i hurt. i didn't believe them. she wasn't there and i asked amit and he said 'she's gone' and i said 'for good?' and he said yeah and i hurt and i asked why and we were busy and i had to leave and he didn't answer and i thought i was just confused and he didn't mean it becuase she wouldn't leave me, not now. she said she was so happy i was back, and working with me was going to be so fun, and she missed me, so how could she leave? then anthony said they caught her taking money and took her away and i still didn't believe him becuase i know she's not in school and i know she's living on her own and i know money's tight but she wouldn't do that. it's christine and she's so nice to me how could she do something bad like that? she couldn't have, i just knew it. anthony and ayrik just like to talk and make stuff up, they have to. but why wasn't she here? i asked teena 'did christine really get fired for stealing money?' and i watched her becuase i don't usually look people in the eye but i was scared and i wanted to see but what i saw was bad. she watched me with a funny look in her eyes like sympathy like she was saying something she didn't want to be true and she said 'i think so.' and i hurt. my whole insides, like they were just being squeezed to death and i didn't know any words to say becuase she had to think wrong becuase christine couldn't be gone becuase she missed me. the word that i thought of in time to say it was 'why?' and i was still looking at her and i could hear my voice catching and i tried to stop it and tried not to look like i was about to cry but i was becuase i hurt becuase how could she do that? teena looked away. she couldn't even look at me. she said quietly 'i dunno, kiddo. i guess sometimes desperate people do desperate things.' and i hurt worse and i didn't know it was possible to hurt worse than i already did. why'd she have to be desperate? she coulda stolen my money and i wouldn't have even cared and then she wouldn't have had to leave me. and what happens to her now? that was what hurt too. where is she now? what's going to become of her? she's this great person and i know they don't understand it and what are they going to do to her? i hurt and i'm scared and i ask teena 'are bad things going to happen to her?' and she turns away when she answers and says even lower than before. 'i dunno, honey. she's been in jail since it happened. i don't know what happens next.' i hurt. i hurt can't you make it stop hurting? teena didn't look back at me again. and i didn't look at her any more either becuase it hurt becuase it's true but it can't be. i can't do this. it hurts. i said i needed change but i didn't need this. i need christine. i need her to smile at me when i say dumb things and tell me she loves me anyway and tell me i'm cute and tell me she missed me and tell me it will be ok. i hurt. i don't understand how i hurt. i worked and i couldn't feel anything but this big hurt on my inside like i've never hurt before and i want it to just stop and i don't know what happened else at work becuase i wasn't there. i was stuck in the moment that teena looked away and told me desperate people do desperate things becuase that made it real. christine is gone. i started crying an hour ago at the bus stop and i still can't stop and i can't even feel the tears any more hardly but my whole self hurts. i hurt. i can't do this. i can't. i hurt too much and i can't make it stop. i can't do classes and i can't do work, not without christine. she told me she was glad i was back. she put her arm around me and said she missed me and she meant it. she wanted to work with me, i know she did. and she likes me too, i know just a regular like, but she likes me. molly said 'christine takes care of you.' a long time ago, she said that, and i remember and it's true she always does. she answers the questions i don't need to know, just becuase i want to know them is a good enough reason for her to tell me, even when i don't always ask the questions, she tells me anyway becuase she knows i want to know. and she makes sure i don't feel bad for saying wrong words or for doing wrong things or for leaving or for walking home or for anything. christine takes care of me. but not anymore. now she's gone. desperate people do desperate things and it hurts. i can't breath i forget how it hurts. i can't do this i can't i can't i can't can't somebody make it stop hurting??????