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there was a time that the pieces fit but i watched them fall away...
i hurt i hurt i hurt. i haven't eaten or slept since wednesday morning. i went to my first class to get a syllabus and then i left. i went to my second class to get a syllabus and then left. i didn't even go to my third class. what's the point? even if i go, so what? christine was proud of me for going to class, so happy. i would come in and grin and tell her i went to all my classes today and she would smile back and tell me good that's what i have to do and she was happy for real. i could make her happy. i had it planned out, i would do good this quarter. i would go to classes and every day at work, i could tell christine 'i still haven't skipped a class!' and she would be so proud of me i know she would. i'm not just saying that becuase she really would, i promise. i don't understand anything i don't know anything. i feel confused and lost. i want to know what's going to happen to christine now and i want to know why she did it. teena says sometimes desperate people do desperate things, but i'm afraid that's not it. tyrone said to teena 'yeah, she was fine saturday night, talking to me about the new playstation 2 she just got, and then tuesday...' and his voice trails off and maybe he's still talking but i can't hear them becuase they're far away and i'm just eavesdropping anyway but what if that's about christine? i can't hear for a few seconds and then when i hear again teena is saying 'well i just thought i'd let you know since i knew you would probably talk to her and i won't,' and who else could that be? desperate people do desperate things but desperate people don't buy new playstations and it hurts but that's not her i'm sure that's not what they meant. he was probably not even here then, maybe he was talking to somebody where he lives, or somebody who teena knows that doesn't work here or something right? christine wouldn't just steal money, not if she didn't have to, becuase i like her and she's nice and she missed me and that's a bad thing to do and she's not bad, she's really not. and i want to know why it hurts so much. i don't know why it hurts so much becuase it shouldn't. holly left me and i wasn't even sad and i know there are differences between holly and christine but i like them both and there's not much chance that i'll see either of them, ever again, and maybe it's not quite the same but i like them both more than i should, so there can be little differences, but christine shouldn't hurt so bad and i don't understand it. i was awake and sitting on the floor when molly got back from aaron's early this morning and i was still in the same spot when alana got back from her boyfriend's. they ask what's wrong and i want to say and i do say, i tell them christine got fired and went to jail and they still don't understand because i'm still not telling the truth and it hurts so bad becuase she left me and she's gone and i won't see her again, not becuase i'm worried for her, even though i'm definitely that too, but all they think is that i'm worried about her and if she's going to stay in jail and they try to tell me she probably won't but i know they're just saying that anyway, becuase they really couldn't know any more than i do what's going to happen to her. i toss and turn in my bed and i can't sleep and i get up and go to big bear, at 8 a.m., when i would never normally be awake becuase i have to know if she worked saturday night and if tyrone was there, even though i'm afraid i don't want to know. if they didn't work i wouldn't even feel better, becuase i'm already making myself believe that they didn't, so i know by checking, i've got nowhere to go but down, but i have to check anyway. i hurt and i want to find out what happened i have to know every detail that led up to this and how long she'd been taking money and i have to know what made her do it. how can i find out what made her do it? i can't becuase i'll never see her again and it hurts like i can't explain. i still haven't changed out of my uniform from last night, name tag and all, but it's cold so i put a jacket on over it and zip it up tight and pretend that i haven't just spent the past 9 hours in complete misery but i can't pretend i know i can't. i get off the bus at the store and as i head towards it the hurt is a hundred times worse. i stop and sit down on the curb until i remind myself how to breath again becuase i hurt so bad. this is where i see christine. i know this parking lot by heart. now this is where i go inside and i'm happy becuase christine's there, and i know that she will smile at me and some days she'll tell me she missed me and some days she'll tell me she loves me and some days she'll tell me i'm so cute and some days she'll make sure that i'm not walking home, and some days she'll ask if i'm ok when i look sad and some days she'll explain stuff to me becuase i look like i want to know and some days she'll laugh with me about the jim situation and some days she'll talk seriously with me about the jim situation and some days she'll tell me it'll be ok when i'm upset or even just spaced out and some days she won't even do anything special but just be her and be there, and that's more than good enough for me. only not any more. that's not how it happens now. now there's nobody there. now this place makes me feel empty and alone and i can't do this. but i have to know so i go inside and straight upstairs and i read the schedule and they were both here saturday night. i hurt. now what are the chances that it wasn't her? she can't have taken it just to take it, could she have? how can she be so worried about me going to classes and getting my paychecks and not walking home and doing the right thing, but not do the right thing herself? on my way down jane asks me a question and i don't remember what it was but i answer and leave and i don't even know if she notices that i hurt and i'm not ok but i know if christine were here, she would. but if christine were here, i would be ok. i want her to be here. why did she have to do it? why why why why??? god i hurt so bad. i leave and don't look back. i see police cars and i hate them. the stupid awful policemen took christine away from me and i hate them, but even as i think this, i know that's not it. christine took christine away from me. she's the one who did it. god i want to know why she did it so bad. i want to understand, to help me so i don't hurt so bad. i lay around the apartment trying to think but i don't understand. i don't know why she did it and i don't know what's going to happen to her and i don't know why it hurts so bad. then i sort of attend classes but i bring a notebook and don't take notes but instead i write. i write everything that comes into my head, christine stories and even jp stories and tyrone and terrie and anything that comes into my disturbed little mind becuase i want to know why i hurt so bad and i'm hoping if i list enough thoughts, the answers will be there, but they're not, so i leave becuase maybe it's the teacher's noisy talking that's distracting me from finding the reason so i sit outside on a quiet bench and write more words and it's still not there so i go get my next syllabus and sit in class and write some more and i write 'christine was going to be proud of me for going to class,' and all of a sudden being in class hurts because i'm only here on leftover feelings for somebody who left me and i get up and leave in the middle of class and there's only 25 or so kids and i know people are staring at me and i don't fucking care. i don't care. i hate them. i hate the policemen and i hate the people who caught christine and turned her in and i hate that christine did it but i don't hate christine becuase i could never hate christine. i come back here after i leave the class but i don't want to be here. i don't want to be in columbus and i don't want to be home. i don't want to go to work and i don't want to go to classes and i don't particularly even want to live becuase it hurts too bad. i can't do this. i can't sit in the apartment when i need answers. so i catch the bus to the store again, like the answers will somehow appear if i just stare long enough. i'm waiting at the bus stop and my mind is everywhere. i'm tired and what's happening in it is a combination of things. i'm still trying to know why and trying to find answers, but another part of me is constructing a new daydream. i always have daydreams about things that i want to happen, mostly ones that could really happen, like the one where christine asks me if i drink. i daydreamed that for a few days. and i daydream the ones where christine gives me rides home. when they happen in real life, they never quite happen how they did in my head, but usually it's becuase i fuck up my part, not becuase it was all that unrealistic. but some of the daydreams never happen, like the one where terrie and christine know i'm gay and tell me, or the one where christine asks me why i don't like jim, and then asks me to give her 3 guesses or something and i wind up telling her. but this one is different becuase it has to be, becuase seeing christine isn't going to be a given any more. in this one, tyrone talks to christine, and the message that teena had to give to her was that i asked about her, and he tells her that, and she worries about me, and so she calls me up to explain becuase she knows i like to know the answers and she likes me. and then she asks if i'm so upset just becuase she's gone, and i would tell her no, i miss her, but there's a lot of other stuff that she wouldn't get and she says stuff like why i don't like jim and i say slowly yes and she says how much do i want to bet that she already knows and then all of a sudden i snap out of it becuase i understand why it hurts so bad. becuase this is more than christine just leaving. christine isn't just a person who likes me and i like her. in my mind, all my hopes and dreams and my future revolve around her, and when they took her away from me, they didn't just take her, but they took me and everything i had planned for me. i know i said i would tell alana if i didn't tell christine, but i never really believed that. in my mind, 3 months with christine was plenty of time for her to ask about jim, and i knew i was ready to get her closer to the truth than she'd ever been. i just knew i would find a way to tell her, or to get her to tell me. she would be ok, i knew she would. she wouldn't be gay becuase she's not, and i'm not being unrealistic, but she would understand and like me anyway becuase she likes me and thinks i'm a cute little kid and that's all i want for now. she would be like a mom or a big sister, nothing more, and that would be ok. more than a lover, i need a friend and even though i wanted more, i was keeping my hopes realistic, or so i thought. but i thought i had 3 months and instead i got not even an hour. with holly, all i wanted was all i got. when holly left, the holly of my daydreams and the holly in real life matched right up. but christine hadn't caught up to my hopes for her and now she's gone and so is everything that made my life ok. and now i'm stretching for hopes, grasping at straws. if i can just make myself believe that there is still a plan and all hope isn't lost, maybe i can get through this piece by piece, but i can't do it. it hurts. i hurt. i'm glad i understand why i hurt but that doesn't lessen the pain. i get on the bus again, and go there again, and seeing the place does it to me again. she's not there. she won't ever be there again. on my way in there's a policeman in the parking lot. he nods at me friendly and i hate him they took christine away from me and made me hurt and ripped me to pieces how could i smile at him? i hate him. i go upstairs and check the schedule becuase the new one for next week went up at noon. instinctively, my eyes go to christine's schedule first. her name is still there, only she has 0.00 hours and every day says OFF and it's a painful reminder and i want to tear the paper down and rip it in a million pieces and throw it at jane, who made the schedule and didn't even take christine's name away. OFF makes it sound fucking temporary but this is forever. i read the whole schedule and i'm working way too much. 39 hours and i can't do that. i can't even do one. i have to though, for a little bit. for now the answers might still be here. somebody might know. maybe tyrone, or marie used to call christine i know, so maybe she still does. jane might know what's happening to her and jim went out one night with her and some others, so he could know something. it hurts to be here but i want the answers any way i can get them and it's not like i'm happy anywhere else, so i may as well torture myself here. i can talk to marie and jim on friday, and jane on saturday. i will show up for those shifts and i will ask questions becuase i don't care what they think anymore. i don't need them or this job or anything. i needed it becuase i needed someone like christine but now she's gone and if they don't like the questions i ask, or suspect something, or anything, there's nothing keeping me here. i hate them anyway becuase they took christine away from me. i hate amit and alyssa for trying to ask me normal questions, like my heart's not ripped in a million pieces and i know they don't know but can't they see that i can't do friendly conversation now? they can't becuase lots of people can't becuase i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's far enough out there for christine to see, so what's wrong with them? they're not her, is the problem. nobody is her but her and she's gone. i hate whoever caught her and whoever suspected her and i hate me. god i hate me so bad why am i me? i leave and the policeman is still there and all of a sudden i think maybe he knows some answers but i'm scared to talk to him so i sit on the bench and just watch him for a long time and he talks to people as they leave the store and he sips from bottled water and finally i go over to him and ask 'do you know what's going to happen to christine?' and he just looks at me and i say 'do you even know christine?' and he says no. but i've started talking and i can't stop now so i keep going. 'she worked here. she went to jail. for becuase she stole money.' he looks shocked and asks if she was a cashier or office and i tell him office and he asks if she was an adult or a juvenile and i tell him she was over 18 and he asks how much she stole and i said i think a lot becuase i think she's been doing it for a while now and he says ohhhhh and i can see that those were the wrong answers. if she was young, or if it was just a one-time thing, or a little bit of money, it would be better. he says he doesn't know. he says i can always look it up in the court records, or if i know her, i can call her. that thought makes me want to cry. i can't call her. i would be marie if i called her. and i don't know her number. and this is my obsession. she likes me, but not so much as i like her. i can't call her unless she would call me and it's obvious that right now, she wouldn't. i just shake my head and go back to the bench becuase i don't want him to think the only reason i was waiting was to talk to him and he asks when it happened and i tell him tuesday afternoon and he says well the case probably hasn't even gone through yet. i hurt. even if i had the answers, she'd still be gone. no matter what, she's not coming back here, ever. i can't fucking do this. how is this ever going to get any better? it's like when she left, they shoved me in a big deep hole and all i can do is dream that someday a ladder will fall out of the sky. it won't happen. it won't ever get better. it doesn't rain ladders and that makes me hurt. i can't do this.