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i started to update this journal, like a normal update. i was going to talk about the porn store, and how kelly and i bought andy alcohol, and all the other things that happened today. but then i just stopped, because all of a sudden, writing about that didn't feel like something that i would do. i am not that type of person... but then i couldn't remember exactly which type of person i was. i went to look at my userinfo page (for the first time in a long time), as if it could remind me of who i was...

i was surprised to see that i had 19 memories. i hadn't remembered marking that many. i clicked on the link, and i realized that the majority of my memories went in the 'coming out of the closet' category. i clicked the link, and i saw the 7-part story, 'how i came out of the closet and ruined my life,' and i remembered... of course i remembered. how could i forget? i remember at least one of the events in that story every day of my life... i am still very aware of the fact that that week was probably the turning point in my life, and the reason that i am where i am today.

i'm not sure why i decided to read the entries. i knew what they said. i had written them, and i had lived them... but i clicked on part one, and read it. they were all in chronological order, so i just had to click the next button, to read through the entire story... and then, even once i had made it through that story, i kept reading, for a long long time...

two things struck me:

i cried, when i read that 7-part story. not all of it made me cry, but bits and pieces did... i don't understand it. why did it make me cry? i can think about it, and not cry. i'm thinking about it right now, and i'm not crying. it's not really upsetting any more. it happened, and the emotions were strong then, but i can look back on it now, and i'm ok. the memories don't make me cry. but when i read the words that so perfectly describe those memories, i cry. why is that?

the second thing is a little more bothersome... i read those entries, and the entries after that, and i feel like i'm a completely different person now. clearly, i should be a different person, in many aspects, but i'm not talking about the fact that i'm out of the closet, or that i know lesbians, or that i didn't skip one history class this quarter, or that i'm finally able to say the word 'gay.' i know those changes have happened, and i'm proud of myself for those sorts of things. what bothers me is that i feel like i think differently... i read those entries, and i felt like i was a very thoughtful person back then... i was curious, and always thinking, not just about things, like on the surface, but thinking all the way into them, and through them. and when i felt things, i actually felt real, deep feelings, ones that couldn't easily be described with one simple term, like 'happy' or 'sad.' i was a deep person, with deep thoughts and deep emotions... in comparison to the entries i wrote back then, i feel like now, i'm writing i got out the bread. i made a sandwich. i ate it. i was happy to be full. i washed the plate.
it's odd, because i know that overall, i'm much happier now than i was then... but do you have to be shallow to be happy?

(to any lj friends who have been around long enough to remember my coming out of the closet period, and the entries i wrote before that: do you think i've changed the way i think? or, do you think i've changed the way i write about what i think? do you think this is good or bad?)

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i haven't known you that long and i don't remember your coming out of the closet entries but just reading this entry and your past entries... it does seem like you've changed for the better. like you're enjoying your life and when i read your entries i don't see any anger about you being the sexuality that you are. you can't help facts like that and you seem to just be a lot more comfortable in your own skin.

Well Debs, we "met" some time before you came out and before your 7-part story you wrote, so I kept up on everything that happened. I have to agree that you have changed for the better in that you just seem more confident of yourself and less bottled up. It seems like you go out more, have more fun, and live life more fully than you used to. I don't know you personally (I wish I could cause you'd be a totally awesome friend), but if I did, I'm sure I'd see a more fun, happy person rather than before. Your coming-out inspired me to do the same at work and everywhere and also inspired me to act more like myself rather than put up a straight-acting act everywhere. I thought you should know that and if nothing else, you indirectly helped one person which was me. Try not to cry in regret over it cause you shouldn't-I think you've helped yourself more than you realize. So go out there, Debbie, and impress those hot chicks with yo lesbian self!

aww, thank you :-) i'm glad you came out at work, and i'm glad that i did, too! i guess i know that i've made a lot of changes for the better, and what i'm really confused about is just figuring out exactly who i am... but i suppose that will come with time, too...

oh, and i added you on my other journal, because i sure did need some friends over there! (just don't mention this journal in that one, please :-)

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