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i told molly about what jim said. she had absolutely nothing interesting to add to the conversation. she doesn't know if he's telling the truth or not. and she 'could never swing that way.' i didn't ask; she just felt like she had to tell me that, i guess. i am constantly amazed that my close friends don't even have a clue that i'm not quite straight... so i'm not screaming 'lesbian' from the rooftops, but i'm not exactly playing your typical straight girl either. you'd think they'd at least wonder if i'm aesexual or something. but no... since i'm not a stereotypical lesbian, i must be straight. am i complaining? not really. maybe. i don't know.

billie worked today. she looks a little like christine but doesn't act like her at all, and that makes me a whole lot more sad than i would be if she looked completely different.

i've been seriously considering dropping out of school, just temporarily. one quarter, or two or three, or just until i feel ready to go back. i just don't care about it at all, and i can't convince myself that it's good for me to put a half-ass effort into school and get by with decent grades when i know that if i really wanted to be doing this, i could do much better. i've been bouncing the idea off of people for a while now. jim and molly are telling me to do what i want. everybody else on the planet is telling me it's an awful idea, and that makes me want to do it even more, if anything. i mentioned it to my parents, and they thought i was kidding... they're the ones who count, since they're paying part of this... i have to check with some university people, and see what happens to my scholarships if i quit. if i lose them with no chance of getting them back, i might see what happens if i drop to part-time. i don't know for sure yet, but this time i really am considering my options. marie asked me about classes at work today, and i told her how i might quit. she told me i'm 'too smart for that.' and that 'nobody does that.' i tell her jim did, and he's back in school now. and i tell her christine did it too. she rolls her eyes and asks 'now do you really want to turn out like christine?' i tell her 'not all the way...' i miss christine.

brandy is coming to visit with a different brooke. one that went to high school with me, and is not at all related to john. i don't really know this brooke. i find myself hoping that they'll spend all their time down here hanging out with jessica, leaving me free to work and figure out what i'm doing with my life, and just use me as a place to sleep and maybe have breakfast. i don't want to party with them, and the only one who i'm really interested in talking to at all is brandy, and i'm sure i can get my share of catching up with her in if they stay here overnight. she might be slightly drunk, but hey, whatever.

yeah, well tomorrow i have to figure out the whole scholarship part of quitting school, so i guess i should go to bed now. why do i keep thinking that life would be easier if christine was around? would somebody please remind me that every other day, when she wasn't making me happy, christine was the most frustrating thing in the world?


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