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my dad called this morning, as i was getting ready to go to class, and gave me an hour long lecture about why i shouldn't drop out of school and how that would be a waste of my life and my money and do i really think i can live off the money i'm making at big bear? he was mad. he said if i quit school, i was going to come home and live and do absolutely nothing until i decided what i was going to do with my life. i told him no, sorry, if i quit school, i was going to live here, work, and figure stuff out on my own. he yelled for a while, but when i didn't give in, he kind of changed his tune. he said he couldn't stop me, but he thought it would be a bad idea, and he basically gave me his blessing if i wanted to drop a class this quarter, as long as i stayed in school. i think he would have let me go sell my soul to the devil, as long as i stayed in school, with the way he was carrying on. i told him i would go look into the financial aid part of it, and he's going to call back tonight, i'm sure. by the time he let me off the phone, i was 10 minutes late for my first class, and i was still in my pajamas...

since i was already late for class, i went to the financial aid office instead of class. i discovered that i owe a shitload of money if i quit school now, in the middle of the quarter. i have to pay back all my financial aid, plus i'm still going to owe a large part of tuition, even though it's not even been a week. if i drop down to one class, i still owe the same amount of money. if i drop down to 2, i owe a quite bit of money, but a little less than if i quit entirely. if i just drop one class, nothing happens. that's the bad news. the good news is that next quarter, if i don't even sign up for classes, absolutely nothing happens. if i take a quarter off, i don't get any scholarship money for that quarter (obviously), but i don't lose any money either. i get 12 quarters of scholarship money, and i can use it whatever quarters i want to use it. i can take winter quarter off and not be penalized in any way. i think i could take spring quarter off too, if i wanted, and still not lose any money.

so i still don't know what i'm going to do with my future. i still don't know how quitting school is going to help me any, but i don't see how staying in school is helping me any either. i still can't figure out why i think life would be easier if i wasn't in the closet, becuase i'm pretty sure i would still hate school. i still am scared of terrie and myself, but i still feel like terrie is somehow going to provide me with a way to fix all my problems, and i'm still scared that it's going to hurt me bad when she leaves in a month and i haven't fixed anything. i still don't know why christine stole the money, and that still hurts. what i do know is that if i'm going to drop out of school, i should definitely wait til next quarter. i can drop a class this quarter (i think i will), and just stick it out for 8 more weeks. i'm only taking one hard class this quarter anyway, my mechanical engineering class. besides that, i'm taking english, history, and numerical methods. i hate english and history and they're a ton of work, but it's pretty much mindless work. i just have to half-focus on class, and remind myself of what a complete sentance looks like, and i'll be fine. i figure the math class will be a piece of cake becuase math classes usually are. if you know otherwise, please don't ruin my illusion. and with that, i'm off to class. attending 1 out of 3 classes isn't bad...