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school, or lack thereof...
so school. i don't know what to do about school. i think i want to quit next quarter, but i don't know why. i hate my life, but that's not a good reason. i was thinking about it yesterday, and i came up with a pretty good analogy (or i think so anyway). it would be like if your whole foot hurt. like your whole left foot, every toe, your heel, your arch, the whole thing was just in pain. so finally you get sick of it, and you can't take it any more, and you know you have to do something drastic, so you cut off your big toe. you could argue that this helped the situation, becuase after all, now your big toe doesn't hurt any more. but really, the only reason it doesn't hurt is becuase it's not there to hurt. you look down at your foot, and you still have to say 'my whole foot hurts.' it's just as bad as before, only now your big toe isn't a part of your foot any more. you solved nothing. if you wanted to do something drastic, you needed to cut off your whole foot, and if you didn't want to be drastic, you could have taken little steps... gone to the doctor... gotten a few opinions... rested your foot... something, i don't know. but my whole life sucks, just like your whole foot hurt. quitting school is just like cutting off your big toe. yeah, i hate classes, but when the classes aren't around any more for me to hate, i'm worried that i'm just going to hate the rest of my life. even thinking that, i still want to quit. i don't know why. i'm afraid it's for the wrong reasons.
maybe i want to be like christine. i know that's dumb. look at her. her life's a mess. why would i want to be like that?
maybe i think that if i'm not in school, coming out of the closet will be easier. in a way, that could be true. when everything blows up in my face, at least i won't have to worry about classes. i can spend all my time worrying that the world hates me. that's not good for me either.
maybe i want to do it becuase i want to get a rise out of people. they know i'm a good little girl, and maybe i just like seeing them in shock. maybe i like the attention i get from saying stuff like that, and i like knowing that people are worried about what's best for me.
maybe this is just like coming out of the closet or going to class, where i say i'm going to do it becuase it's something i think i want to do, but when it comes time to actually quit, i won't be able to.
maybe i think if i tell big bear people, it will get back to christine, and she'll come find me, just to talk me out of it, so i don't wind up like her. i know that's dumb too. i've never been arrested, so i wouldn't know for sure, but i'm fairly certain that christine's got enough on her mind that she doesn't really give a damn about me. she doesn't have a job, she has a criminal record, she somehow came up with $400 to give ann, so i'm betting she owes somebody some money, and she has to worry about what's going to happen to her now. with all that on her mind, she's not going to have any room left to even think about what's going to happen to me now.
maybe i want to do it becuase i know it's bad, or at least in everyone else's eyes. maybe i want to be rebellious, shove it in their faces. maybe i'm sick of doing what everyone else wants me to do, and want to quit just to prove a point-i don't have to listen to you. i don't have to do this your way. i missed that rebellious phase when i was a teenager, so maybe i'm making up for it now.
maybe i just think that changing one thing is going to fix everything. maybe i can't convince myself that cutting off my big toe isn't going to fix my whole foot. i'm afraid this is it. i mean, i just listed a million bad reasons, convinced myself that they were all bad, and i still want to quit just as much as i did before. if one of those were really the reasons, wouldn't i think 'good point loser. you shouldn't quit, becuase that's not really a good reason.'? but i'm not. i'm sitting here, wanting to quit just as bad as i did before. i want a break. i don't want to be in school. i hate it. i want to quit. but i'm still scared. is this the wrong thing to do?