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stupidfool
i skipped a class today. i also went to one. i skipped the one becuase i was talking to brandy online. i gave her directions to get here. they're really coming up tomorrow, and i'm really going to be working-friday, saturday, and sunday. i don't really know what they're planning on doing, but i guess that's for them to figure out. it's not like i invited them or anything. i don't even hardly know this brooke girl. i'm not their host and i'm not the reason they're coming down. i'm just being nice enough to give them a place to stay. they can sleep here, eat my food, whatever. just don't ask me to not work. i need to work this much now so i can be full time by next quarter.

i caught the bus to big bear to check my schedule for next week, and while i was there, i saw jane. i asked her if i could work full time next quarter, if i quit school. she asked if i was serious about quitting school, and when i said yeah, she told me sure, i could work full time, and i would get benefits and insurance and everything. i was surprised that it was so easy... i guess she did the same for christine when she quit school, so this is nothing new to her...

on the new schedule, christine's name is gone. terrie works sunday and tuesday and that's it. she requested off from wednesday-sunday. this wouldn't be a big deal, but i'm afraid that this is it. she said she was quitting in a month, but i'm sure that was only an approximation. what if this is it? she can't quit yet, becuase she is my connection to christine, she could be a lesbian, and without her, i'm back to having nothing to hope for. she's there fairly late with jane this saturday, so hopefully i can bring up jim when she's around. i also think i'm going to see if i can't talk to jim on saturday. maybe i'll bring up casually that i figured out that he's lying about terrie. i'll just make it sound like i think he's trying to trick me like he usually does, just joking, not like he's really plotting. if he asks why, i'll tell him that i heard her say a song was gay, and that real gay people don't say that, do they? i'll be all innocent about it. i just want to see how he reacts. it's always possible that he said it like one of his little jokes, but then forgot that he had told me, so forgot that he had to tell me it was only a joke. i don't know. i hope terrie's not quitting yet...

my parents are going insane. they tell me to talk to people becuase they seem to think that people are going to try to talk me out of quitting school, but jane didn't even seem surprised. jim thinks it's a good idea. beep said if i needed a break, i should take it. only marie seems to think it's a bad idea. they (my parents) are getting really frantic about the whole situation. why do i have to be the oldest one? i know if fly had already graduated and been successful, they wouldn't be so worried about me doing 'the right thing.' but since i'm the first one, i'm their only college kid, and until fly graduates from high school, all their college dreams are with me. on one of their frantic phone calls, though, i asked to talk to fly, and that was nice. she hadn't heard from me in a while, and wanted to know about my plans for school. i also told her the whole christine story. she knew that christine was the one who took care of me at work, and was upset to hear what she had done. plus, she told me about her classes, which was interesting since i took some of those classes and had some of the same teachers when i was in high school. also, soccer season was wrapping up, so the coach had all the seniors reflect on their soccer careers, and name their favorite soccer moment. one of the girl's favorite moment was 'when we went to soccer camp with loser and she poured water all over the hallway so she could play slip-n-slide.' (we stayed in a college dorm and there were these long smooth shiny freshly waxed tile hallways. looking at them just made me want to slide down them, but i tried and it wasn't quite slick enough. so i filled up my water bottle a few times, and dumped it all over the hallway. then i got a running start at one end, and slid on my butt all the way to the other end. i was doing it standing up, sitting down, kneeling... before long, everybody wanted to try, and in the end, the whole floor was waiting in line to have their turn sliding down the hallway. we ended up with wet clothes, a few minor injuries, but we had a great time. eventually, somebody came up and made us stop, and i had to go run laps for coming up with the idea...) but it made me feel special to know that she not only remembered the event (it was pretty memorable), but also that i was the one who started it. i started a lot of things at that soccer camp... i ran about twice as far as anyone else there. i get in trouble better than anyone else i know. but that's a whole other story... anyway, fly said after that, the whole team was like 'yeah, i remember that!' and then people started asking 'do you remember the look on loser's face when they found her hiding in with the soccer balls?' and 'no, the funniest thing ever was when she accidentally told the counselor that she couldn't eat with us becuase she was allergic to forks,' and 'but that was nothing compared to the time she brought the radio into the bathroom so we could all sing in the shower, forgetting that the coaches and directors were all meeting right beneath the bathroom.' and they had a whole session, listing things i had done during soccer season and at camps, half of which i hadn't even remembered until fly reminded me. i suppose there are better reasons to be remembered, but it still feels good to know that i'm memorable, and even if it's not the best way, at least they're not saying bad things about me. they think i'm ok. they don't even know me. why should i be happy when people like who they think i am? it would be better to have one person who likes me for who i am than to have a million people who like me for who they think i am... i know there's gotta be plenty of people who would be fine with who i am... why can't i find them?!?!?

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