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stupidfool
i woke up, went to class, and went to work. i was thinking more about the whole christine thing. well first, i made a realization. she likes black people. i don't know why i didn't notice this before, but she does. she likes jp's ass. jp is black. she likes tyrone. tyrone is black. and that girl... black. i don't have a problem with a white girl liking black people. but suddenly, i have a problem with the fact that i'm white... even if christine didn't think i was 7 years old, i would still not be black. but she does think i'm 7. did i mention that? last night, her and amit were playing with this laser pointer while i was getting my drawer. i didn't know it and i saw a laser flash across my money. being the stupid idiot that i am, i jump a mile. i thought it was coming from my scanner, so i inspect it. the light goes away, so i go back to collecting my money. it comes back and i jump back. then i inspect my scanner again, with a hand on my head and a confused look on my face. then i think to look over at them and they're both looking away. so i went back and it came again and i jumped again and before i even looked over there, i heard christine laugh and say quietly to amit, 'look, she's just like a little kid!' she said it with delight, like this was a good thing. it's not. i already knew she thought that though. it's just that she actually said it last night...
i also decided that if there is a god, i think he had a lot of good reasons for letting me see christine that one last time. first, to prove that seeing her again isn't really going to fix anything. and second, i think i realized, as i watched her in the dark, that i like her too much. when she's not around, i can convince myself that all i want is for her to understand and to listen and support me, and treat me like a little kid, just like she does, and that would be fine. as long as she knew the truth and didn't hate me, i tell myself it would be ok. but then i see her and i know that that's not all i want. i see her shoulder and i want to bury my face in it... i want to feel her arms around me... i want to run my hands down her back, and over that gorgeous ass... i want to touch her hair... i watch her lips and i just want to taste them... if she knew the truth about me and was ok with it, that'd be great, but i still wouldn't be happy. no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, christine is not like holly. i can't look at christine without wanting her, and being close with somebody like that is just as frustrating (if not more) as not being close with them. i know from experience... (alana). seeing christine last night reminded me of that. it also reassured me that she still likes me and thinks i'm cute, no matter what happened to her. it answered a lot of questions i had about what was happening to her. and it made me realize that my coming out of the closet shouldn't depend on somebody else. (i'm still having trouble with that concept, but i'm working on it...)

so i joked with jeff a while. i took both my breaks outside, in the exact same position that i was in last night when christine was here. i look over the parking lot and her car's not in it today. i miss her. but she's gone and i know it's best that way. i'll be ok without her. she wasn't magical. she's gone and maybe that's good for me. i would still love to have one more chance to talk to her, and tell her the truth. but i know i won't get it, and perhaps that's how it should be.

so then i'm inside on register, and i look over towards sara's register, and christine is standing right fucking there. i can't fucking take this. how many times are we going to bring her back from the dead? this is hard on me! i don't know what to do. i want to talk to her, but i know this isn't going to work. i know that in the middle of this store, with a million other people to talk to, she's not going to sit down and have a serious conversation with me. my chance was last night and i blew it. but why is she here? i am being ripped in pieces... i'm glad she's here. i really am. if she was here last night, and she's here tonight, that means maybe she's not permanently gone. she'll be back, checking in. maybe i don't have to kill her off again. maybe next time i see her, i won't feel like i'm seeing a ghost. helen, sara, and me are on register. brad is up front bagging for helen. sara is on express and christine is going through her line. i have no customers, so i go bag for sara. express never gets a bagger but i want to see christine. she's got a girls' nike t-shirt on, jeans and those shoes... she's buying water and that's it. she digs out change, and i notice that she has a thing of cherry chapstick in her left pocket. i think that's funny becuase i have one of those in my right pocket. the reason i have one in my right pocket is becuase holly carried a tube of cherry chapstick in her right pocket. now i feel like i ought to buy 2 tubes of cherry chapstick, one for each pocket. one for christine and one for holly. i don't think i'm normal. i ask her if she wants a bag and she says yes so i bag it and hand it to her. she asks sara 'should i talk to him?' sara answers 'yes, you know that's the whole reason you're here.' christine says no it's not, she really came to buy the water. sara rolls her eyes. it seems like a poor excuse to me too. and i know without really knowing that the 'him' they're referring to is tyrone. i also know they're purposefully not saying his name becuase they don't want me or anybody else to know who they're talking about. screw them. i'm not stupid. (well ok, i am stupid. but in this particular case, i'm not...) he comes up front as she's exiting the lane. she takes her bag and brushes against me as she passes. i tingle. she's so fucking hot. i don't smell her any more though. i wonder if she lost her smell. that was half her hotness. i get antsy. there's something about having her here, visible, that makes me unable to stay in one spot. brad leaves and i bag and fidget and pace and jump and act 7. i can't not act 7. i'll explode. i need to move... christine is talking to jane, and then to teena, and then to sara, but the whole time you can see her keeping an eye on tyrone. there's a magazine with allen iverson on the cover. she talks to teena about how good-looking he is. i think it's ironic that i realized about 2 hours ago that she likes black people, and here she is proving it for me. life is funny. tyrone walks by her and says nothing and i can almost feel what she's feeling. i know this feeling by heart... walking by christine, dying to talk to her, but not wanting to be the first one to speak. only with me, she's not afraid to be the first one to speak. with him, she is. he walks by again and i'm mentally rooting for him-'come on tyrone, just say something to her... anything... make her happy... she wants to talk to you...' he says nothing and walks right by. being me in this situation is funny. they want to talk to each other. i know that's the only reason he came up front. he said something to teena while he was up here, but i know he didn't come up for that. he came up becuase christine was here. but he's as scared to say the first word as she is. he's giving her chances to say something, and she's not taking them. from her point of view, she's doing the same for him. it's so me. that's me. but now, i'm not one of them, so i just think it's dumb. i know if i were them, i would never be the first one to speak, but being me, i just wanna take them by the hands, throw them together, and tell them 'look, talk, becuase you both know you want to.' i don't. i would never do that. they don't speak. he goes back to stocking. i'm doing stuff. putting back baskets, bagging groceries, and some lady asks me about cigarettes so i tell her sure and go to get them, but she comes with me, so i just tell teena 'i need 2 packs of what she said,' and point a thumb at the lady. christine laughs at me and says 'you're such a good worker.' i can't decide if that's a serious statement or not. i think it is, but i can't figure out what i've done that's so great. i ring the lady up, and then i can't stop moving and i need something to do so i ask teena if i can gather up the returns. she says sure so i do, and then when i'm done i still need to move and the only thing i can think of to do is put them away. this means leaving christine, but i feel like i have to do it. otherwise, it would be like lying. if christine wasn't here, there would be no way that i wouldn't volunteer to do them. so i do, and when i get to the aisle tyrone is stocking, i ask him for help with something. he tells me and he's sure not very friendly. i wonder if he's upset becuase he didn't get to talk to christine. maybe he just doesn't like me. i walk by the front a few times and catch glimpses of christine. actually, i fly by the front, becuase i'm driving this cart like a maniac. i fly around the turns, get a running start, jump on the back, and ride it halfway down the aisle. i get weird when i have energy to spare. i come back up sometime, and she's gone. she didn't talk to him. i wonder if she'll be back, ever. if she's not coming back, i don't want to get my hopes up for nothing, but i don't want to mentally kill her off again, becuase every time she rises from the dead, it really does a number on my mental state...

even though she's gone now, the crazy energy is still in me, so i volunteer to go get carts. when it's time for me to leave for the night, i still have about 4 more loads of carts to bring in. i ask teena if it's ok if i finish. i don't know why. i like to finish what i start. i have to wait on the bus anyway, so i may as well do something that's going to benefit the store. it's been a crazy day for them, especially poor billie. she was doing service desk by herself for like 3 hours, during the busiest time, becuase michelle called off again. i want to help. sometimes i think i take work too seriously. teena might think so too. or something, but after giving me a really weird look, she tells me i can finish if i want. i do, and before i clock out, i go up there and tell them i'm leaving. jane says fine and teena is weird and i don't know why. she says in this syrupy fakish sugar-sweet voice, 'bye bye loser!' i look at her funny and say 'uhhh, bye...' she says, in that same voice 'you have a nice night!' i don't get it... i back away and say thanks, turn to leave, and then while i'm still walking, i turn back around to look at her again, completely confused, thinking that maybe she's going to explain. she's back to counting tills though. i scratch my head and look at her in confusion. billie laughs at me. then i leave.

i talk to this mexican guy on the bus. i talk to him all the time. he's nice.

i have to go to class tomorrow. there's a quiz. i'm going to bed early tonight, to make sure i'm up. i might make it in bed by 3, if i hurry... i think i have a strange sleeping schedule...

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