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i went to class. in english, we discussed that story that i was talking about with marie and alyssa. i volunteered my thoughts on how the narrator's view of the wallpaper mirrored her view of her own situation. the teacher almost fainted. so far, all i've done in that class is come in 10 minutes late, come in an hour late, and come in 45 minutes late. today, i showed up on time and actually said something somewhat relevant in class. it was quite a miracle.

then i went to the store. i'm cooking dinner for everyone tomorrow night. the last time i cooked (not counting microwave stuff) was when i attempted to make a box of kraft macaroni and cheese. i forgot to drain the water off, and ended up eating macaroni and cheese soup. cooking is always an adventure for me... and this is a little more complex than macaroni and cheese. stuffing and chicken. so i had to buy stuff. i also wanted to steal the schedule off the wall of the break room. last week's schedule is still up. it will be up until tomorrow night. it's the last schedule that will ever have christine's name on it, so i want it. i am strange, i know... and i still wanted to talk to jim. a lot had happened to me since i last saw him... they had mentioned me working in the office, i had seen christine, i had decided not to drop out of school after all... i like talking to jim about stuff that happens to me, and stuff that happens to him. i really do like jim. i just wish he was a girl. or i wish i liked guys. anyway, i went to the break room and there were two ladies sitting in there sorting shelf tags and they weren't anywhere near being done. so that means if i really want to take the schedule, i'll have to go again tomorrow. jim was there, but he was being weird again. like, avoiding me. i don't know, but he didn't even give me a chance to speak to him. i turned a corner into him and nickolas once, and before i had even started laughing at nickolas, jim was walking away, while nickolas stopped and said hello to me. every time i saw jim, he ran away. i actually tried chasing him once, but he dissapeared before i could catch up. at that point, i gave up. i left and passed terrie on my way out. she wasn't acting particularly lesbian-like. she was hot though. she works again tomorrow and that's all for this week. i hope she's not done for good.

then i had my class with alana. that's pretty much the only time i ever see her, but i told her i'd be cooking tomorrow and she should make sure she's around, so she's going to try. i'm sure if she's here, her boyfriend will be here too. that's ok. whatever. i need a social life. the only person i ever talk to is molly.

my dad called becuase i told him i had changed my mind about quitting school. he wanted to know why and i couldn't really tell him. i told him i was talking to christine and she said some stuff... all i could really explain was that she wasn't talking about my future. i changed my mind, but it has nothing to do with wanting a degree, or knowing that having a degree gives me options, or keeping my scholarships, or making insurance coverage easy. i wanted to quit becuase i was thinking about right now, not because i cared about any of that. and now i want to stay in becuase i realized that quitting school (besides doing all that stuff to mess up my future) isn't going to fix right now. i told him that christine told me why she dropped out of school, and it seemed like a good reason to me, and to her at the time, but she knows now that it wasn't. i was vague. he thinks i can't find the words to express myself. the truth is i just don't feel like expressing myself to him, or to anyone else at the moment. i'm staying in school becuase talking to christine made me realize that what i thought i knew was right-dropping out isn't going to give me spiritual enlightenment, make me straight, or bring me out of the closet. and i'm staying in school becuase having schoolwork to think about might help to keep me from constantly thinking about my lack of spirituality and my homosexuality. he gave me another lecture about how i was making the right choice, and having a degree would be great, and blah blah blah... i watched BET. nobody lectures better than my dad.

tomorrow i have to talk about my internship in front of a crowd. i'm planning on winging it. since i can't even talk right when i'm only speaking to two people, i don't think this could possibly turn out well, but i don't care. i'll come up with something...