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mental reminder:
ok loser, don't get your hopes up... remember this paragraph? yeah, well read it again.

i also decided that if there is a god, i think he had a lot of good reasons for letting me see christine that one last time. first, to prove that seeing her again isn't really going to fix anything. and second, i think i realized, as i watched her in the dark, that i like her too much. when she's not around, i can convince myself that all i want is for her to understand and to listen and support me, and treat me like a little kid, just like she does, and that would be fine. as long as she knew the truth and didn't hate me, i tell myself it would be ok. but then i see her and i know that that's not all i want. i see her shoulder and i want to bury my face in it... i want to feel her arms around me... i want to run my hands down her back, and over that gorgeous ass... i want to touch her hair... i watch her lips and i just want to taste them... if she knew the truth about me and was ok with it, that'd be great, but i still wouldn't be happy. no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, christine is not like holly. i can't look at christine without wanting her, and being close with somebody like that is just as frustrating (if not more) as not being close with them. i know from experience... (alana). seeing christine last night reminded me of that. it also reassured me that she still likes me and thinks i'm cute, no matter what happened to her. it answered a lot of questions i had about what was happening to her. and it made me realize that my coming out of the closet shouldn't depend on somebody else. (i'm still having trouble with that concept, but i'm working on it...)