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i went to class today. i rule.

i went to work. billie was there and i've decided that she's sort of hot. when terrie leaves, billie might be the hottest one there. she's pregnant. it's not obvious yet. i only know becuase i was eavesdropping when she told michelle. i bet whoever got her pregnant had fun doing that.

michelle talked a lot to the policewoman. jane complained about that to christine, only at the time, i didn't know the policewoman's name, so i didn't know it. tasha was there too and she talked to michelle when michelle wasn't talking to the policewoman. they got nothing done all night. billie didn't do anything she was supposed to becuase she spent all night helping them. so they had me close off early and get pickups on self-check and get carts and get the trash and do returns. i had fun.

no jim. no marie. and still no christine. maybe she's not coming back. i was thinking about this, and i started thinking about god again. i was thinking that if there was a god, this time he had a good reason for her to not come back. i was thinking that he let her keep coming until i finally realized that she knew nothing, and i could finally believe that she wasn't the answer to all my problems. now that i realize that christine isn't going to solve anything, i don't need her anymore, so he took her away for good. and then i stopped thinking about god and christine and started thinking about god in general. i understand why people need to believe that there's a god. i know that christine leaving is nothing compared to death and all the other injustices happening in this world, but it's as close as i come to tragedy. and i see how it makes me feel better to think that there's a reason. it hurts to think that christine's just gone for good, and that's it. but when i let myself think that there's somebody up there overseeing this all, and that he has a master plan, and that he has a good reason for taking her away, then i can stop to think about what his reasons could be, and then i feel better. i feel better thinking that this is part of a plan, not just random things to hurt loser. i can only imagine that the same thing would be true for most things in life. if you're religious and something goes wrong, you can turn to god. i understand why the slaves needed to be religious. i understand why funerals need to be held in churches, so people can feel like their god is near. but if i can sit here and understand why people need to believe that there is a god, then is there really a god, or are they just believing it becuase they need something to believe in? aren't people who believe in god just weak? atheists are strong. they know that they are facing the world alone, and that they can't count on anyone but themselves. they have to deal with suffering by themselves. religous people, on the other hand, need to feel like they're not alone. they turn to god when times are tough. but by turning to god, and really believing that he's there, they are never alone. they are never suffering by themselves, and they know that everything is a part of god's plan. even in the toughest of times, they can console themselves by thinking 'god has a good reason for this, and if i wait long enough, i'll be able to see it.' atheists can only console themselves with themselves. 'there is no reason for this. life just sucks.' i would like to be religious. i am weak. i can't do this by myself. i would like to not think. i would like to just believe. but the more i think, the harder it is to believe. i can close my eyes and imagine a world without religion, with no bible, no churches, no god. and then i can see somebody dying, and i can see god being invented. it seems like a natural process. people are at a funeral, crying, and who wants to think that their mother is gone forever? who wants to think that their mother died for no reason? so they come up with a theory-mom isn't gone for good. i'll be with her again when i die. and she's gone becuase there is an almighty being who has taken her to a better place. everybody likes this theory. everybody wants to think that there's a reason for things. and before you know it, there is religion. religion is good for people. it instills moral values and works like santa-claus magic on kids-'you be good, or you'll never make it to heaven, you hear?' the nicest people i know are all religious. they are filled with a sense that god wants them to be good, and so they are. does that make them weak? not really. most of them didn't decide to believe in god becuase they felt alone, or becuase they thought they couldn't handle life on their own. i don't know why they decided to believe in god, but it wasn't becuase they needed him. somebody needed him a long time ago, and invented him, and now people just follow suit and believe. do i consider myself to be strong? not at all. do i even consider myself to be an atheist? today i think i do. yesterday i think i didn't. tomorrow, who knows? i have no idea. i feel like i know why people initially decided to invent a god, if he didn't really exist. but i want to know why people believe in god now. i want to know how they can so blindly put their faith in something they've never seen or heard or touched. how can it be so easy for people to do that, without questioning or doubting? and why can't i be one of those people?