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stupidfool
so i went to work at the right time. terrie called off and wasn't there. the place was dead, so i start cleaning the tops of all the screens, and when i get to marie's, she tells me 'i talked to jim.'
i figure she's just trying to get a rise out of me, so i roll my eyes and say 'no you didn't.'
she answers 'no, i really did.'
i say 'ok, then what'd he say?'
she says 'i was kinda confused... but he said he's upset with you becuase i guess you went up to the service desk and told them you just wanted to be his friend, but he thought you should have just told him that?'
i tell her 'i did tell him that.'
she thinks and says 'well wait, did you ask them if he still liked you?'
i told her i did, and she said 'yeah, that was it. he said you asked them, and he thought you should have just asked him. he said it was childish and immature to not just go straight to him.'
'so he's not going to talk to me?' i ask.
'well, he says you can talk to him if you have a problem with it.'
'he's ignoring me.'
'i dunno... he just said he was upset becuase he thought that was immature, and that he was leaving it up to you now.'
i repeat slowly, to myself mostly, 'immature... talk to him...'
she says 'well i'm not saying you're immature. that's just what he said.'
this is strange to me. in my entire life, nobody has ever accused me of being mature. i am 7. on a good day, i'm child-like. on bad days, i'm childish and immature. and on a regular day, i'm just neutral. but i'm never mature. i'm not saying this like it's a good thing, but it's the truth. nobody expects me to be mature. they expect me to be 7, and i do a good job of it. jim expected me to be something besides immature? but that's the least of my worries. all that aside, just accepting that he thinks i'm normally mature, and that he has a right to be upset about me being immature, there's a few other things about this that aren't quite right.
first, since when is ignoring somebody mature? if you have a problem, you should talk to them about it, not ignore them. so he's counteracting my immaturity with immaturity of his own. i don't have a problem with ignoring somebody as a way to solve a problem. i mean look, it's working! he's ignoring me, so i'm worrying about it. sometimes immature tactics work the best. it just seems kind of ironic that he's upset at me for being immature, but then he's just as bad.
the other thing about this-the real thing-is that what he's upset at me for isn't actually what happened. he's upset becuase he thinks that if i wanted to know if he still liked me, i should have just asked him. if that's actually what i had wanted to know, i may or may not have asked him. but with me, nothing's quite that simple. the only reason i asked jane if jim still liked me is becuase i wanted to know if terrie thought i was a lesbian. illogical? a bit. stupid? yes. immature? probably. but not immature for the same reason that jim is upset. the question i asked was irrelevant. i already knew the answer-of course he still liked me! it was obvious. i may be stupid, but i'm not blind! now, looking back on it, i can see how that was a bad question to choose. there were probably a lot of other things i could have done to bring up jim, but i hadn't been thinking about this from a jim-angle. i had been thinking about it from a terrie-angle, and from that angle, this question had been as good as anything else i could have said to bring up the subject of jim.
so i know why he's mad. i can sort of see how he has a right to be a little upset, although if he hadn't resorted to ignoring me to fix it, i would probably sympathize with him a little more. the question is: now what?
option 1: i could keep going like this. he's doing all the work. he's avoiding me, ignoring me, and i just continue to live my life, nearly unaffected. and in a way, he's being stubborn and immature, so i could just do the same. i've already gotten all the useful christine information out of him, and he told me terrie is a lesbian (though i still don't know if i believe it). as a resource, he's really of no more use to me. but as a friend, i still like him and i miss talking to him. i'm never going to want to date him, and i think he understands that. but if he was willing to be my friend, i would still want to be his friend. i need all the friends i can get. and i like talking to him. and i really don't think that his reaction to this whole situation is all that out-of-line. i wish things were back to the way they were 2 weeks ago. option 1 won't fix that.
so, option 2: i could apologize. but for what? if i apologize for what he thinks i did wrong, it would practically be a lie. i'm sorry i asked jane if you still liked me. i should have just asked you. but i shouldn't have. becuase i didn't want that question answered. asking jim that question would have made for an awkward situation, it would have given me an answer i already knew, and it wouldn't have affected terrie at all. that's not what i should have done. the other problem with this is that after that line of apology, normally, you would put something like but i only did it becuase i was thinking ______. or something like that, so he can see that i know i've done wrong, but also understand where i was coming from. an apology without an explanation is practically worthless. and i have no explanation. if i had really wanted to know the answer to that question, why would i have asked jane? i can't even make up a good reason for it. becuase i didn't want to embarrass you? becuase if your answer was no, i didn't want to make you think about it again? cheesy. those are cheesy reasons. i don't have a good reason.
that brings us to option 3: i could tell a half-truth. he's gotten enough of those that he might be sort of used to it. a half-explanation about why i won't date him... a half-explanation of why i came up to him in tears, asking him what terrie thought about me... another half-explanation might not make him very happy, but at least it'd be nothing new. i could say something like look, i know you're upset becuase you think that if i wanted to know what you thought about me, i should have just asked you. but the thing is, that's not what i wanted to know. i only asked that question becuase i was looking for the answer to a very different question. however, in all my careful planning, i must have figured something wrong, becuase asking that question didn't get me the answer i was looking for, and it wound up making you mad at me. if it's any consolation, i figured out that if you want a question answered, you have to ask it. so i did. but to the wrong person. and i got the wrong answer. but the point is that i'm sorry i asked them about you. i should have found a better way to find out what i wanted to know, becuase i really didn't want to make you mad at me, and i honestly didn't care whether you still liked me or not, becuase i like you as a friend, and i thought you knew that, and that was all that counted to me. so is that the most confusing explanation you've ever heard? great... would it work? i don't know. maybe. it would be a start, anyway... but do i really want to weave another web of half-truths? i ask christine a half-real question, and then i have to worry about who she's told and what it made them think and how much they can figure out to fill in the blanks i've left by only saying half of what i mean. i write a poem in history telling the half-truth, and then worry that molly can infer more than i meant for her to be able to infer by reading it. telling half-truths just makes me paranoid that people will figure out the whole truth.

that leaves me stuck. i wander around the front end. somebody left a set of keys. i take it up to the service desk and say absent-mindedly, 'here, i lost-and-found a pair of keys.' michelle continues to count money, but billie stops and asks 'you what?' i repeat myself, still not really hearing what i'm saying. billie reaches out and takes the keys with a smile on her face like she's trying not to laugh at me, and that's about when i realize that 'lost-and-found' isn't a verb. and that you usually have 'sets' of keys, not 'pairs.' i am stupid. i can't talk. i am 7 and billie wants to laugh at me but doesn't want to make me feel bad.

nearly an hour passes, and then suddenly, i am struck by option 4: tell the truth. from the beginning to the end. start with the real reason i can't date him, move on to the real reason i'm scared of terrie and the real reason i was so upset last year, when i asked him about terrie. and then move on to the real reason i asked about him at the service desk. the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. ok, so that's a drastic option. but why the hell not? if i'm serious about telling somebody by january 7th, who better to tell? christine is gone-not an option. i've seen nikki and katie 1 time each since i came down here a month ago. i know they still like me, and i've talked to them some, but i don't really want to tell one of them and then not see them for a month. i could tell alana and she might be ok, but i don't really see her that much either. i work late and by the time i get home, she's in bed. she wakes up early, and i wake up just in time to go to classes. i get out of classes and go to work and by the time i get home, she's in bed again. i see her in the class we have together, and we walk home from it together, but so does ian. so i see her, but i couldn't tell her then. on the rare occasion that we're in the apartment together, her boyfriend is usually here too, and she's more interested in him than in me. she always tries to include me, but still... i consider her my friend, but she used to be a lot closer of a friend than she is now. molly is my closest friend now, but i really don't think she would take the truth well at all. jim, if he's telling the truth about terrie, is ok with the idea of lesbians... and if anybody deserves to know the truth, it's him. besides myself, he's the only one who's been directly affected by the fact that i'm a lesbian. plus, telling him would be safe, in a way. i don't 100% trust anybody to keep my secret, but i trust him as much as anybody else. if he keeps it to himself, then i'm fine. even if he hates me for it, i'll be no worse off than i am right now. if he doesn't hate me, i have nowhere to go but up. and if he told somebody, it would be jane, or terrie... or maybe marie... worse case scenario, the whole store finds out. but then so what? work isn't my life. or it is, but it shouldn't be. it doesn't have to be. i can't quit school, i can't abandon my family, and leaving columbus at this point would be tough (i would still have an apartment to pay for, plus i'd have to find a new school, a new place to stay...), but i can easily quit work. it's a nice distraction for me, and i really do enjoy working there, but i don't need the money. i could get another job to distract myself with. in fact, if he told the whole store, it would probably be a good experience for me. (did i really just say that?) i could make myself stick it out for a while, to see if it gets any better. i could see how long i can take it. i would experience life as a real-life, out-of-the-closet lesbian, but when i got home from work, things would be right back how i'm used to them. and if at any time, it got too hard to take, i could quit, and jump right back into my closet, having lost nothing but my job. christine's not there anymore. terrie's leaving. sure, now i think i'd miss marie, and i'd miss jeff, and i'd even miss teena and amit and rashid and beep and tyrone... but if they all hated me, i wouldn't really miss them, and if they didn't hate me, then i wouldn't quit. what have i got to lose?

so now what? i think i've just convinced myself that option #4 is the best choice. am i really going to tell him the truth? not yet. if i am, it's going to take a lot of planning. when i speak spontaneously, i come up with a bunch of loser-isms that just make people laugh. if i'm going to do this, i have to do it right. maybe i could start with the email of half-truths, but put something at the end like look, if you don't hate me, i'll tell you the whole story sometime. just talk to me about it. that way i would make sure that he still likes me and wants to forgive me, before i tell him the biggest secret of my life. i don't know, but i work tomorrow, with him and terrie both, in less than 10 hours, so i ought to start getting ready for bed. i guess i'll sleep on it. after tomorrow, i won't work with jim again until friday, so i should have plenty of time to make a decision... if this is an awful idea, somebody please talk me out of it before i make the stupidest mistake of my life...

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No, I think this is a good idea... u should go with "Option 4" as hard as its going to be.. it'll probably make things easier, because this secret of yours seems to be weighing you down.. you need to tell someone and Jim seems like the best option right now, and yea I'd go with the whole email thing, find out if he really will forgive you and listen to what u have to tell him. And Im guessing he won't find it THAT big of a deal if he already knows that christine and Terri are lesbians... give it a shot.. see what will happen, its gonna happen sooner or later, mise well make it sooner.

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