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stupidfool
i got up and went to work. i guess the real thing i'm scared of is jim, becuase the butterflies were mostly gone. terrie wound up being there for 7 of my 8 hours becuase she switched with amit. it was ok. i mean, i'm still scared of her. i still try not to look at her becuase it's one thing for her to know i'm a lesbian, but it's quite another for her to think i like her. and i hope christine doesn't know i like her. i don't want to like her, not like that. she has a girlfriend. and even if she didn't, she's the most wonderful person in the world... she was great before friday night, and i think we moved her up to sainthood friday night. it's wrong to like a saint like that, and it's even wronger if the saint knows you like them like that... anyway, i was only a little scared today, but i wasn't doing so well either. first, i was pretty exhausted becuase i haven't slept right for a long time. not since i guess thursday night, when i made plans to really tell jim. i guess it hasn't been that long. it feels like forever. but i was tired. and i was still upset becuase i miss my closet... i was moping around and terrie was being funny and friendly and called me 'hun' and 'kid' and never did anything that made me feel bad or anything. jane was fine. i was sad. ok. then jim came in. he was talking to jane at the service desk and she called me over the intercom to tell me to come pick up some extra change from her, so i had to go up there. i was scared but i went. he ignored me. i ignored him. i went back and he left and i felt way way worse. maybe i'm just jumping to conclusions again. maybe he just didn't know what to say, or he didn't want to say it in front of jane. but maybe he's mad at me. maybe he hates me. maybe something is wrong. this is different than jim just being mad at me, like before. this time, there are 2 people in the world who know the truth, and one of them might not be speaking to me becuase of the truth. or becuase of the way he found out the truth. i know having christine tell him was probably immature and childish and whatever. but i only did it becuase i knew i wouldn't ever tell him. if he was going to wait for me to say it, he would be waiting forever. i talked to christine about it for an hour and still never said it, even though she already knew. i would never tell him, but i wanted him to know. so i figured if she was volunteering to tell him, i may as well take advantage of it... that way he would know... i hope that's not why he's mad. or maybe i hope it is, becuase i'd rather him be mad becuase of that than mad becuase of what she said-that i'm a lesbian. she said he was ok with that. i want him to be ok with that. i want him to tell me he's ok with that, or to tell me he's not, or to tell me something... anything... god, i'm tired.

i went on break. i went outside and was too tired to walk to my corner and my fence. i used the table and put my head down and fell asleep and brad was out there too, on lunch. he woke me up before he went in and i was only 2 minutes late. terrie was running my break and when i came back she just laughed and said 'were you sleeping, loser?' and i'm only half with it so i don't even answer and she just laughs some more and says 'you've got red marks on your face... goofball... at least you woke up this time...' and i say yeah. i want a hug. i feel small and sad and tired and alone and i want a hug. i want christine to be here. i want holly to be here. brad walks by and i want him to give me a hug. or i see billie, and want her to give me a hug. or jane. or terrie. or mark. or this one customer who i've never seen before. or anybody i see becuase i just feel alone. everybody who walks by, i see my face buried in their shoulders. i want to whimper. i want to curl up on the floor and cry like a baby until somebody-anybody-comes over and holds me. i don't. and nobody touches me. and i come home and curl up in my bed and hug the pillow and cry by myself becuase in real life, you can't let them see you cry.

i sort of try to eat. i send my parents a quick email becuase theyve been calling and writing for a long time and i've been ignoring them. molly and aaron want to play cards, so i do. i have a 5-page english paper due tomorrow. it's 3:30 a.m. i haven't started it yet. do you see how not good i am writing now? i write choppy when i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm not going to try to un-choppy-ize this becuase in a few hours, i'm going to have a whole paper to un-choppy-ize. christine laughs when i make up words like un-choppy-ize. i like christine. i wish i could still make her laugh. i wish i could make me laugh. even if i couldn't make me laugh, just her would be ok. she is nice and does all this great stuff for me, and i can't even do the one good thing i ever do for her-make her smile. i miss last year and christine working with me and laughing and me just being 7 instead of one big mature problem. i miss holly. i'm going to write a paper now.