Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
(no subject)
i went to class again. i do this so often now that it's hardly worth mentioning. but i guess that's a good thing. it's been almost 4 weeks since i've skipped a class.

in between classes, i was home and molly asked if i needed to go to the grocery store. i did, but jim was going to be there. i decided that was a dumb reason to not go, so i went with her and nearly passed out on the ride there. that's how scared i am to see him. he wasn't there. alyssa was, and as we went through her line, she asks, 'so what's this i hear about you and jim?' she took a week's vacation. this is her first day back. i don't know how she could know anything recent. but as ask about it, it becomes apparent that she's not just teasing me about the old news-she's talking about friday, when i left early, and saturday, when i called off. i guess she heard the story from marie, and i guess from marie's point of view, all my troubles would have been related to my uhh... relationship? with jim... marie sees me acting like a psycho, she hears molly repeatedly ask me 'why does jim make you insane?', and then the next thing she knows, the policelady is inside, saying whatever it was she said... that i needed to leave... i don't have any idea how she explained it, really. marie and alyssa are sort of friends. so i guess sometime over alyssa's vacation, she talked to marie and they wound up talking about me and jim...? i really don't know how she knows anything happened. but i told her nothing about it, so maybe tomorrow, when i work with her, she'll ask some more, and i can figure out what she knows and how she knows it. if i give enough pretend information out, i can get information out of her...

i was thinking about how much more sense things make when you look back on them...
the note i found forever ago was from christine, to marie. we didn't specifically discuss the note, but she said enough about her relationship with marie for me to know that it had to be that way.
jim knew i was a lesbian when he told me about christine and terrie. he wasn't telling me to trick me into telling terrie so they could gang up on me. he was just trying to get me to tell him.
christine did know, when we were sitting outside, the night she talked me out of completely quitting school. i don't think i even mentioned that part of the conversation in here. i wrote it in my history notebook, which is full of half-truths, since they're more interesting than history notes. here, i'll copy it in here.
christine said i couldn't quit school becuase i'm too smart and blah blah blah. and that i only hated my internship becuase i was bored and i was only bored becuase i was too smart. and that i'm smart... i often wonder why she thinks that. at home, there's holly, wandering around telling people 'loser was valedictorian' and 'loser is a genius.' but here, i'm the only one speaking for me, and all i do is say dumb things and get slightly above average grades and skip lots of classes. so even if i was a genius (which i'm really not), i don't know why anybody would ever think that. so i asked her why she thought that. her answer is important becuase it helped raise my paranoia level... her answer was something like 'i can just tell. sometimes i can just tell things about people by looking at them, or talking to them for a few minutes.' she also said that i was probably a lot like her, in that i could pick up on how to do something just by watching somebody else do it a few times...
when she said that, i was scared for a minute, and i was afraid she was hinting that she knew more, but i figured it was just me being paranoid again... and when she waited that long time before replying to my assertion that what happened to her sister (getting pregnant) would never happen to me, she knew exactly what i meant by it.
and terrie was asking me why i didn't like jim for a reason. she did think she knew the reason, but she didn't hate me for it. she was just trying to get me to say it, just like jim, and just like christine. all of them doing what christine told me she was doing-'trying to get you to open up to me.'

other than my brief trip to the store, nothing happened today. molly and i cooked dinner, and then i made some huge-ass cookies becuase i'm too impatient to stand there and cook a million batches of regular-sized cookies when i can just make a few batches of huge cookies.

it's been 5 days since i came out of the closet, if you can call it that. christine's phone number sits on my dresser. i'll never call. i wouldn't call if i was dying and she was the only one who could save my life. i would feel rude calling her. i still haven't talked to jim. i don't know what happens now. i feel like i'm not done, like now that i started, i have to keep telling people, or do something about it. i know before i do anything else though, i should probably talk to jim, or have him talk to me, or something. i'd really like to know what he's thinking, but i don't think i'm going to be able to approach him and ask about it. if he isn't willing to talk to me, i'll probably never speak to him again. 2 people know the truth, and one, i may never speak to again... and the other...? there's still the chance i'll never speak to her again, too. or if i do, not about that. i get the feeling that it's supposed to be over now. if i have any more problems with it, and i ask her, she'll listen and try to help. but i think if i don't bring it up, she's not going to either. really, there's not much else for her to say. if i sit here and think about it, anytime any thought regarding me being gay pops into my mind, an answer from christine pops in there too. she had something to say about everything... (even my comment about god. i remembered that now. i went back and fixed that entry becuase i had forgotten that her prayer comment was the answer to my god comment.) no easy answers, but she's given me her input, and unless i let her know that i need more help, she's done...

i dunno, so i guess the plan is just to play it by ear. tomorrow, i see what i can find out from alyssa, just to get a feel for what the non-informed part of the store thinks. friday and saturday, i'll see if jim tries to talk to me. once i find out anything there, then i can re-evaluate...