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stupidfool
again, i went to class.

then i went to work. alyssa called off, and she doesn't work again until next week, so i won't be able to find out what anyone said to her.

christine came in. her first stop was over at self-check, where i was. she asked if i was doing better. i was doing better today than any other day, without jim around. it's still hard. i guess it shouldn't be a big deal, but to think that people know the truth really bothers me. like, i'll be sitting in english class, and all of a sudden, something will remind me that christine and jim know i'm a lesbian, and i'll just want to cry or dissappear or run away... but i guess i'm getting better. so i said 'yeah... i think jim hates me though...' she told me he didn't, and i said he ignores me. she asks if that's why i think he hates me and i said yeah. she said he just doesn't know how to react and it's kind of awkward for him, but he doesn't hate me. she said i should talk to him. i told her that's scary, and she said 'yeah, but at least think about it, ok?' i said ok. she asked if i still had her number, and i said yeah. she told me again to call if i needed anything. i thanked her, and then she went off, but before she left for good, she stopped back again. she asked quietly 'so has anybody else said anything about it to you?' i told her no, and she smiled and said gently, 'see, i told you it would be ok.' i loved her. right then, i loved her. she doesn't have to do this. she doesn't have to check up on me. she could ignore me like jim, or pretend it hadn't happened, or she could have just not stopped over here, and i might not have even noticed that she was in the store. i'm not her responsibility. she doesn't have to make sure i'm ok. but she does, and i'm glad. i am so glad she exists. i'm glad she's the one who found out. i'm glad she was outside when i was going crazy. what if it had been just jim? what if i was still sitting here thinking jim knows, going crazy and beating myself up? (ok, so now i know jim knows and he's also not speaking to me, which isn't a whole lot better, but at least i don't feel like i'm dealing with it alone.) i'm glad she cared enough to make me go for a walk with her. i'm glad she's still asking me if i'm ok. i'm glad she keeps telling me i can call if i need to, becuase the more she says it, the more i believe she really means it. even if i won't ever call, it's the thought that i could, and she would be there. christine is my favorite person in the entire world. i'm so overwhelmed with that rush of emotion that my reply comes out in that 7-year-old voice, incomplete words with some strange accent: 'they doah noah?' (which sounds a lot more like 'they don't know?' than it looks) she smiles and answers 'well, i'm sure they have their speculations, but they can't know if you don't tell them.' i want to give her a hug. i want to make her understand how much i appreciate this... all this... her being here... her being herself... her being supportive and caring and even if it's all some kind of huge act and deep down she hates me, i don't care, becuase i'm falling for it and i think she's the most wonderful person in the world. instead, i give her a timid smile (and i think this is the first time i've smiled since the 19th) back and say yeah. yeah, they don't know. yeah, she's right. yeah, it might be ok. then she says she's got to go, and she leaves, and that half smile is still on my face. christine is the greatest. of course, it only takes half a minute for the smile to fade, becuase christine left and i'm alone again. it might be ok. i don't know. i'm still scared. mostly i'm just quiet though, not sad or happy. i just stand silently and think, and try to sort things out, and replay things christine has said to me. i think about jim and christine and terrie and me. i think about the past and the future and right now. i wonder if she's right about jim just not knowing what to say, or if he really is bothered by me having her tell him. i wonder how sure terrie is that she knows. i wonder what teena thinks, because i still haven't forgotten the time she asked me if it was something about me that kept me from liking jim, and i ran away from the question. after a while, teena calls me up to the service desk and asks if something's wrong. i think it's strange that she should ask now, when i'm actually doing much better than i've been the last few days. i didn't think i looked that bad. she says she was just wondering, becuase i've been standing still for way longer than she's ever seen me stand still before. i shrug and tell her sorry, and she laughs and says it's fine, but then asks if i'm sure i'm ok. i bet she's heard something from someone, at least about me calling off for no reason.

anthony mentions something about me going insane sometime, and he's just joking around, but i wonder what they all think about this. obviously, everybody talks to everybody else, but since only jim and christine know the truth, i have no idea what everyone else is saying. i need somebody to tell me what somebody's told them... why'd alyssa have to call off?

marie is here shopping and i accidentally follow her up to the break room. i didn't even know it was her. she talks to me on the way, and asks if i'm feeling better and i say yeah, which is true, but i'm still quiet and not regular me, and she can tell. she asks if i'm sure and i say yeah... i look at her and she looks like a girl and i like girls. i want her. i don't really. it was one of those fleeting thoughts, that pops in your mind and then just as quickly, pops back out. but it was there, and that bothers me a lot. how come i can't ever have those kinds of thoughts about guys?

tomorrow, i'm going to stop in to get a new schedule. jim will be there, and i'm going with the same plan i used last time-i don't go out of my way to see him, but i don't go out of my way to avoid him. maybe he'll just call off or come in late again. i don't really want that. i want him to talk to me. well, if it doesn't happen tomorrow, he's doing the same shift as me friday. if i give it time, maybe things will start to clear up. 4 down, 26 to go.