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stupidfool
i went to class.

i talked to holly online for the first time. it was the most dull conversation ever. i had nothing to say. she had nothing to say. it was like 5 lines long, and then she left, and i just feel dumb. maybe i'm done with holly. maybe she doesn't care about me now and i shouldn't care about her either. but i love holly. i can't not care. i know if i went home over the summer, and just managed to see her, it would be different, right?

i went to the store. i saw joe the customer. he told me proudly that he saw christine in here last week. i told him good. he wanted to know what she was doing, and if she had another job, and where, and i could truthfully tell him i had no idea. i felt right bad for it though. she got fired and her life is completely changing, i talk to her often, but still, i have no idea what's going on in her life right now. she said she was my friend... but if we were really friends, it would be give-and-take... it would be even. i would know about her and she would know about me. but she listens to my problems and tells me about her past, to help me with my present. so yeah, i know some stuff about her, but only becuase it helps me now. that's not her being my friend... that's her being my psychologist... or my mom... or something... yeah, i sure do appreciate it, and i don't at all blame her. it's more me. i'm selfish or stupid or bad or dumb... i dunno. but then joe says 'christine is nice.' i tell him she's the nicest person i've ever met, and then i go inside.

it wasn't time for jim to be there yet, but when i went up to the break room, i passed him. my whole insides fell apart and i was scared. he said absolutely nothing to me, so i kept walking. i didn't know what to do. christine said to talk to him, but what do i say? maybe he just didn't notice me or something... i know that's not right, but i pretend. i'm sad. i walk slowly, with my hands shoved in my pockets and my eyes towards the ground. i make sure i pass him again before i leave, to give him another chance to talk to me, if he has anything to say. he turns the other way when i pass and i ache. i turn into the nearest aisle and lean up against the shelf and close my eyes and try not to cry. why does he hate me? christine said he didn't, and he was ok... if he's so ok, why is he ignoring me? why does he hate me? i don't want him to hate me. maybe someday, i'll learn to accept that not everybody is going to like who i am, and i'll be ok with that. if i'm ever going to really be out of the closet, i guess i'm going to have to... but i'm not ready for that yet. right now, i still want him to like me. how can he speak to terrie and christine, but not me? they like girls and i like girls. that's the only thing about me that's changed in his mind in the past month. a month ago, he liked me more than them... talked to me more than them... now he knows that i'm like them, and he hates me? i don't get it. it would be nice to just say i don't care... i can't though... i hear christine talking to me... talk to him... just think about it, ok? i consider turning around and going back and talking to him, but i don't know what to say, and now is a little late to start thinking about it. i'll go home, come up with something, and talk to him tomorrow... so i head out, feeling mighty depressed. terrie passes me as i slowly mope on over to the door. she goes all cheerful and points at me with both fingers like she's trying to be a rapper or something and goes 'what's up?' i shrug and keep walking. outside, brad is getting carts and he waves to me. i half-heartedly wave back and he puts his fingers up to the corners of his mouth and pulls them up. i force a smile at him and looks at me sympathetically, reaches out, and squeezes my arm. i nod my thanks at him and leave. he's nice and i'm grateful for that but i feel kinda dumb. i don't really want his pity. i don't want pity at all. except from jim, maybe. anything i could get from jim would be better than what i've got right now. and christine doesn't count becuase i can't decide what i want from her... or i decide, but hate the decision, so decide again... it's hopeless. everything is hopeless. why does jim hate me?