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sometimes life is so unrealistic that i'm convinced i'm just dreaming. today was one of those days.

first, i went to class. this makes 4 weeks straight that i haven't skipped a class. that is a remarkable achievement. i want to tell my parents about it so they can be proud of me, and then i realize that they think i've been a good student all along... most people do... there's not many people i can brag about this to...

anyway, then i went to work. i was in the back corner of the break room hanging up my coat when jim came back and was talking to some meat guy. as soon as i noticed him, i was sad. i was about to be ignored. sure enough, he noticed me and finished talking to the meat guy... so i just stayed back there, and then i thought he was going to leave, but instead, he came over to me and asked 'so is it safe to talk to you now?' i was kinda confused, and kinda upset and depressed, so i just gave him a lifeless 'huh?' he told me 'well i couldn't before, becuase of that whole harrassment thing.' i answered with another 'huh?' he said that the policelady wrote him up for sexually harassing me, and ann called him upstairs and he thought he was going to lose his job... she asked him if he had ever asked me on a date, and he couldn't lie, so he said yeah, but just that one time over the summer, and he hadn't even mentioned it since then... she told him that he needed to understand that no meant no, and he needed to leave me alone. he said he had no idea what had started all this, and he looks at me like he expects me to explain. i think one glance at the surprise on my face told him that i wasn't about to explain anything. i asked 'why didn't anybody tell me?' he said he figured i knew, and he didn't know why nobody else consulted me before deciding that i thought he was harrassing me... he's talking to me just like regular. i mean, the subject matter isn't exactly normal, but he's not even acting like he knows... he doesn't even mention it... so i worry that maybe christine didn't tell him, or she told him and he didn't understand, or something... i ask 'did you talk to christine?' and he says 'no, i haven't talked to her since...' he thinks about it, and then finishes, 'friday.' that's what i'm talking about, but he doesn't seem to understand... he goes back to the old topic, and says that he thinks christine talked to ann, though, or something, becuase yesterday, ann told him that the policelady must have been jumping to conclusions, and they're just dropping the whole thing. i had to go clock in, but things appeared to be fine...

terrie was there. i was still feeling kinda depressed, and i don't know why. maybe it's just a habit now. it could also have something to do with the fact that my closet is gone, no matter how you look at it. even if they don't hate me, things are still different, and different is scary, and scary is depressing. so i'm sliently running register, and terrie is one in front of me. she gets a bunch of difficult customers in a row, and she turns around and jokingly complains to me in between them. i don't react becuase i'm still upset. then she gets a break in her line, so she paces down the lane and says to me, 'if anybody asks, i'm helping a blind person shop.' this happens a lot. blind people catch the bus here, somebody helps them shop, sends them in the direction of the bus stop, and they catch the bus back home. i don't see a blind person, but i don't really look too hard. i say 'ok.' she stops, turns to me, stands perfectly still, and says in the most serious voice i've ever heard, 'i was just kidding. i'm not really.' i start laughing and i can't stop. i don't know why this is so funny, but it is. i'm not even going to say 'you had to be there,' becuase i guarantee that even if you were there, you wouldn't find it funny. but i find it hilarious, and i laugh nonstop and she calls me a goofball and roams off and i just keep laughing. i finally calm down, and then i hear her in my mind, telling me she was just kidding, and i burst out laughing again. i haven't laughed in a week. it feels good to laugh. maybe that's why i think it's funny... i don't know.
after that, i feel a little better. i watch terrie a lot. she's hot. i stare at her and think that she touches girls... she kisses girls... i watch her hands and think that the last person those hands caressed was a girl... the last person to touch that hot ass was another female... thinking this makes her about ten times hotter...
then terrie asks me if i mind if my break's a little late, and i tell her i don't care. she says something that i meant to remember, but i forget. it involved calling me 'kid', though.

when i get my break, jim comes up. we first discuss the sexual harrassment thing. i don't know if he knows exactly what happened, and by the time he passes the story on to me, i've probably messed up the story quite a bit. but what i can put together is this: the policelady watched me go insane and heard marie and molly asking me about jim, and saw that that made it worse. then she was outside and watched me go crazy. i told her to tell the people i was going to go home and never come back. she connected that to jim. then, at some point, she wrote up a detailed report, describing how jim was sexually harrassing me. i'm not sure when she did this. it could have been while christine and i were outside. it could also have come later. like maybe after i left, christine tried to explain the situation to them, and since she had promised me not to tell the real truth, she had come up with some explanation that involved jim, which gave the policelady more evidence that jim was harrassing me. this is just speculation, of course, becuase i don't know what, if anything, christine told them about what we discussed outside. anyway, based on whatever evidence she had, the policelady came to the conclusion that jim was harrassing me and i was really bothered by it. she wrote up something. neither jim nor i are sure exactly what was in the paper, but it did say something about how i said i wanted to quit for good. then saturday, after the policelady had given this write-up to ann, i called in sick. amit made me talk to ann. i don't know if amit made me talk to ann just becuase he thought my excuse was bad, or if he knew about the write-up too... but when ann talked to me, she definitely had read the policelady's write-up, and she almost for sure thought that my calling off was related to that. then, ann called jim upstairs, and, in his words, she 'put [him] on trial.' she wanted to know about everything he had ever said to me, and all this stuff. he said she was being really strict and he was honestly scared he was going to lose his job. the interrogation lasted forever, and she kept telling him how he had to leave me alone, and understand that he was bothering me, and all this stuff... then thursday, ann called him up again, and told him it had been a mistake, the policelady had jumped to conclusions, and everything was fine. his explanation for this is that christine talked to ann, but he doesn't know, and i sure don't know either. we both marvel at the fact that all this happened without my knowledge... wouldn't you expect that somewhere along the line, somebody would have thought to check with me and make sure that i really felt harrassed? then i ask him 'but christine told you, right?' he asks 'told me...?', like he thinks he knows what i mean, but he's not sure. i say 'told you what i wouldn't tell you.' he says yeah. he says he had just wanted me to tell him. i explained. 'i know, and i wanted to. she offered to tell you for me like 3 times, and i told her no, becuase i knew i should do it myself. but i realized that you were right when you said i was never going to tell you... i wasn't, becuase i don't say those words... not even to her, i didn't. she asked me, and even then, i didn't directly answer. so i figured if i sent her, at least you would know...' he tells me that he already knew. i asked when he knew, and he says over the summer. i know. he knew when i answered that email, telling him how i couldn't date him. i don't bring it up. instead, i kick the wall lightly and say 'i thought so.' we say something about other people knowing, and i tell him 'christine said they have their speculations, but they can't know if i don't tell them.' he smiles and agrees. he asks why i was so bothered by it, and why i called off, and i don't really know how to explain. to him, the fact that i'm gay is no big deal. it's hard for me to make him see that it's a big deal for me, and that it bothered me that he knew. all i can tell him is that i was scared. i don't think he understands why i was scared, or what i was scared of. i try to tell him that i was upset that he knew, but i do a bad job of talking, and i know he doesn't understand.
other than that, we laugh about how terrie's supposed to have quit 4 times in the past 5 months, and she's still around. we decide she'll be here forever. he says he's leaving soon... real soon. he's not joking either. i don't know if he'll actually quit, becuase he's threatened before too, but he is going to be out of school soon... and he seems to think he's serious. i don't want him to leave. i'm being selfish, but this is fucking hard. i'm trying to get used to him knowing... if he leaves, any progress i've made leaves with him. i don't know why i feel like telling christine doesn't count, but i think i do. i feel like to make progress in my life, i need to make progress with him, and feeling comfortable around him... if he leaves, to make progress, i'm going to have to come out of the closet again... or have christine out me again... i hope he doesn't leave.

terrie was running my break. i'm late. i apologize. she pretends to be mad, but she's just kidding. terrie's funny.

christine comes in. she asks how i am. i tell her i'm ok. she asks if anybody has said anything, and i say no. she smiles and says 'see?' then i tell her with a grin, 'jim's talking to me. he's not mad at me!' she smiles back and says again 'see, i told you it'd be ok!' i tell her ann talked to him because... and i can't remember the words i mean, so she finishes 'becuase they thought he was harrassing you. i know. jane told me.' i laugh and say 'yeah, but it's ok. he's ok.' she smiles again and repeats 'see?' i grin and say yeah. she goes to talk to sara, but adds 'still, if you ever need to talk about anything... call...' i thank her and she walks by and i breath in by accident and smell her and she smells good and i hate that. i give up. she's hot. not writing about it isn't changing my mind. pretending i don't think it isn't changing my mind. sure, when she's being the nicest person in the world, i'm so impressed with her that i can temporarily forget about how hot she is, and just focus on how she's the greatest person in the world. but the rest of the time, when she's not talking to me, or when she's not even around, i look at her or picture her in my mind, and she's hot and i can't stop thinking it. she's hot. she's hot. she's hot. i want to not think that. it makes me frustrated to think that. i don't want to think christine's hot, and i don't want to like girls, and i want to believe in god, and i want to like the taste of mayonnaise, but i can't. (i don't know what mayonnaise has to do with anything... but i really do want to like it... i try it all the time, hoping my tastes will have changed. but no matter how many times i try it, i can't like it. it just tastes nasty.) i can partly control what other people think i think and believe and like, but no matter how hard i try, i can't change what i actually believe and think and like. and that fucking sucks becuase right now, if i could have one wish... well, i would wish to be straight, becuase that would kill two birds with one stone. but if, for some reason, i couldn't just wish that, i would wish i didn't think christine was hot. she is sooo nice to me. she takes care of me. she looks out for me. she is the nicest person in the world, and i feel like a dirty miserable awful person for thinking she's hot. isn't there any way i can make myself stop thinking that?

ok, christine says something to sara, and then she talks to ann in private for a minute, and then she leaves right away. i wonder what ann had to say to her, or what she had to say to ann. terrie leaves for the day, and says bye to me when she goes. marie runs my last break and i don't see jim, but it's ok, i'm almost positive.

on a side note, my thoughts on marie: christine said she's bi. christine says that's obvious. christine laughs and says marie's a slut. she calls her that to her face too... it's almost a joke, but christine really doesn't approve of the way marie is... she drops her pants for anything that breaths... christine says that marie tried to get christine to make out with her numerous times, knowing full well that christine had a girlfriend. she calls marie a horny little creature, or something like that... (hmmm, i guess i lied. those were christine's thoughts on marie. now it's time for my thoughts on marie.) i don't agree with marie either, i think. i think you shouldn't be with a different person every night. i think you should emotionally connect with somebody before you get naked with them, and that simple physical attraction isn't enough to maintain a relationship. and i think that you should be shooting for a relationship, not just casual sex. at least, i think this is what i think. this is what i've been brought up to think, and i think i think it. but then sometimes, i don't think i think it... i look at marie and wonder what would happen if she knew i was gay. if christine is right (which i think she is, based on the way marie acts around straight guys and christine), she would see me as an option... and maybe i would want that. maybe i would want to feel her touching me... i only like her as a person when i'm sad, becuase that's the only time she's nice to me. i don't even feel attracted to her. she's nowhere close to christine or terrie, and she doesn't even compare to billie on hotness, and billie's hardly hot. but still, i sometimes find myself wanting her to know... i want her to flirt with me like she does with them... i want to feel her hands running lightly over my back... i want to know what it feels like to have her body pressed tightly against mine... and then i want to stop wanting that. and i again feel like an awful person (althought not half as awful as i feel thinking those things about christine). i think i spend half my waking hours arguing with myself... thinking things and then hating myself for thinking them... it's not much fun.

molly might have decided to get her job back.

i work with jim again tomorrow.

so i guess my overall outlook on things is a little brighter. jim and christine know. they both like me just fine. terrie is hot and still around. i don't know where i'm going next, but i'm going to worry about that later, becuase i'd rather not re-depress myself right now.