?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
1 a.m. and i'm cold again; i'm alone again and i need a friend...
stupidfool
lj was down last night so i went to bed without updating. nothing much happened anyway. the excitement of my day was seeing jp on campus. he doesn't live here any more, so he doesn't work any more, but he still commutes to school. i just said 'whoa' about a million times becuase i wasn't expecting to see him. he said to tell everyone he said hello. i wish he had said some specific names-like maybe christine, becuase i bet he doesn't even know that she's gone, and then i could have talked about her, and then i would have a reason to talk to her, if she ever even comes back. molly and i went grocery shopping. terrie was there. she's hot. irene joked with me a bit.

so then i went to bed early (1:45 a.m.) and got some much-needed sleep. i got up and went to class and then to work. jim was there a lot. i accidentally showed up an hour early, so i talked to rashid a bit, and then i followed jim around and talked to him while he sort of worked. i also watched him show nickolas how to tie up the cardboard from the bailer (i'm not sure if that's how you spell that). it was fine, i guess.
once, alyssa and i were standing by the desk, talking, and terrie come over and she's going insane trying to scratch her back or something, so alyssa asks 'are you ok?' terrie says no, her bra is poking into her back. alyssa tells her to take it off. i can't even understand how people can talk about this stuff without feeling a little uncomfortable, becuase right now, i have an overwhelming urge to duck and hide in the corner. i don't. they proceed to have a disucssion about lingerie, while i stand there and turn red. when they're done, i am still standing up, but pressed all the way into the corner, trying to dissappear, and terrie walks away with the back of her shirt tucked up under her bra, so you can see her back. terrie has a nice back.
marie was there and said nothing to me. teena teased me some. the policelady stuck up for me some. jim stopped up and talked to me for quite a while before he left. then it was time for me to leave so i went to tell teena i was going, but she was back in the corner and didn't hear me, so i just left. i feel empty. something's not right. i think i need to quit this job. not becuase of me being gay. i don't know why. i just feel like i don't belong there. everyone who works there fits into a category, except me. there's:
1) immature high school kids working part time to pick up spending money (ex. marie, mark)
2) adults who have spent way too much time there but are still planning on getting out sometime (ex. jim, terrie)
3) adults who are going nowhere, have no education, and are doing this for a living becuase it's pretty much their only choice (ex. helen, irene)
zeke left, william left, jp left, and when christine left, she left one other college kid in the whole store-alyssa. i'm not going to be able to explain what's wrong with alyssa. i was trying to figure out how to describe alyssa, and i can't. she's nice. there's nothing wrong with her... but there is, and i just can't explain it. she's just one of those people that... god, i don't know. i don't even know what i mean... it's just one of those things you feel, and don't know the words... if she had kids, i think they would be dirty. some parents make sure their kids stay clean and some parents have dirty, grimy kids with stringy hair. alyssa would have dirty grimy kids with stringy hair. and that's about as well as i can describe it.
i don't know what my problem is. i just don't feel right. like, is this all there is to my life? i work and i go to school. if i was working my way through school, it would be ok. but i'm not working my way through school. school is paid for. in fact, today, i picked up my paychecks for the first time since i've been back, not becuase i needed the money, but becuase i was afraid they might expire, and it seemed dumb to waste them. i made terrie dig through a pile of all these papers and other old junk and she found 6 of my paychecks. i made over $1500. know what i'm going to do with it? i'm going to mail it all away to a mutual fund where it can earn some interest and i'll use it when i retire or something. there's nothing wrong with saving money, but i don't need to do this. i'm in college. these are supposed to be the best years of my life, and i'm working 40 hours a week with a bunch of people who i just can't seem to fit in with. what about friends and laughing and staying up late having sleepovers and going out at night? jim was discussing his lack of plans for tonight, and i sincerely hoped that he would invite me to do something with him, becuase i was that alone. i want fun. i want something...
i started working here to forget about liking alana. it worked, becuase i liked christine. now christine is gone and even if she wasn't, i don't want to like her either. so to forget about liking christine, i need to go somewhere else... do something else... why am i always running away? i think this would be easier if i at least knew where i was running to. there's nowhere left to run. i can't just quit work now, with no back-up plan. i needed a break from school, so i'm only taking 1 class next quarter. now i'm saying i need a break from work, but if i quit that, what do i have left? nothing. i'd be worse off than i am now. i can't go home. i can't stay here. i want my parents to know the truth, and then i don't. i want the world to know the truth, and then i wonder what good could possibly come of that. i want friends.
but i have friends. i do. katie sometimes calls me, and i sometimes see nikki. lauren and alana are my friends when they're around... and molly really is my friend, consistantly. but if i quit work, i don't think i'd see any of them (except maybe molly) any more than i do now, and without another way to meet people, i'm not just going to magically make more friends, since i have the time for them.
those aren't my friends. they don't even know me. nobody knows me. jim does. christine does. jim is leaving me. do you think jim will ever talk to me again, after he leaves? i'm afraid he won't. and christine is gone. i haven't seen her in over a week. she says she likes me, and i believe her, but no matter what she says, we aren't friends... i haven't spoken to her in over a week. maybe that's my problem. maybe i just need my christine fix, and i would feel better.
i dunno. i just feel like maybe my time at the store is up. it was good for me. i met christine and i like christine, and she's the first person i ever came out of the closet to, and she'll always hold that honor. but now she's gone, and jim is leaving, and there's not much left for me there. i'm used up. i'm empty.
i don't know. i don't know anything. molly went to aaron's home for the weekend, and alana went home. i'm alone. i'm just feeling depressed, i guess. maybe this is what happens when i actually get enough sleep. i oughta keep myself consistantly sleep-deprived, and i wouldn't get so upset. but i woke up in a good mood, i swear i did. people noticed. the guy who was outside when i was upset, he commented on how i looked much better today. and irene told me i looked happy, and she was laughing with me becuase i was making faces at brad, who was laughing and making faces back. and nickolas was making me laugh like crazy. things were good, and then sometime, they just went bad, and i don't know how or why or when. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. maybe if i see christine, i'll feel better. or maybe i just need to work with somebody like jane or billie, who will smile at all my stupid loser-isms, just like christine always did, and make me feel loved.
yeah, i'll just go to sleep, and when i wake up, everything will be ok...

  • 1

Re: Alyssa

(Anonymous)
I think the term you are looking for may be 'white trash'.

Regards,
The Small Faced Boy

haha yeah, that's probably it... i was just kinda looking for a nicer way to put it...

Re: Alyssa

(Anonymous)
Maybe there's a politically correct term - hygienically-challenged Caucasian, perhaps?

The Small Faced Boy

perfect! i have a small problem with alyssa becuase she seems to be one of those hygenically-challenged caucasians...

Re: Alyssa

(Anonymous)
Only problem is, it's a bit of a mouthful. Over here (England), you tend to find that the smelly people sort of merge into the same areas. So near me there's a part of the city that's called Gipton where they all tend to be. Hence, we know hygienically-challenged Caucasians as 'Giptonites'.

You could probably call her that to her face and make something up about what it means. Then she'd go around telling everyone she was a Giptonite, heheh.

The Small Faced Boy

haha good plan! i can tell everyone at work that they're a bunch of giptonites and then tell them it's a compliment... they'll never know...

Re: Alyssa

(Anonymous)
Wow, everyone at your work is white trash, erm hygienically challenged, erm Giptonite?

The Small Faced Boy

well ok, not everyone. but there are quite a few giptonites there... most of them are of the fully grown variety, and they have dirty little mini-giptonites that come in and create disturbances often. alyssa is just one of the few younger giptonites...

Re: Alyssa

(Anonymous)
When you say mini-Giptonites, do you mean Giptonite kids? 'Cos then they'd be Giptonite sprogs. The really nasty mingers that are Giptonite women can be further classified as Giptonite bitches. As for the blokes, they fall into different categories too, though without the 'Giptonite' label.

Jeez, this thread went a little haywire, didn't it?!

Cheers,
The Small Faced Boy

yep, i was talking about the giptonite 'sprogs.' there's way too many of them...

and yeah, just a little haywire...

  • 1