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jai
stupidfool
ugh. i am so annoying. i can't figure out how to be the right way. all i know is that i'm doing it wrong.

i'm skipping important stuff that i'll come back to later, when i finally get to this point in my chronological summary, but for now, just know that last night, i got home from work, and courtney was gone. she and lili had both been here, and the place was a mess, full of both of their stuff, but they were both gone. also, they had both taken their toothbrushes. for some reason, this made me assume that they had gone out of town, (they were talking about having to go to chicago), and i thought they wouldn't be home for a while. so i had a minor breakdown, and i wanted to lie alone and cry, and be upset, because this wasn't just her going out for a few hours, and not letting me know about it--she had gone somewhere overnight, and not even bothered to tell me. but i sucked it up. i updated my journal. i tried to push it out of my mind.

i got up this morning and went to work, a 9-3. when i came home from work, i was expecting the place to be exactly like i had left it, and for courtney's car to not be there. sure enough, her car wasn't there... but the windows were wide open! i was so sure that she hadn't been home that i became terrified that there was somebody in our apartment--perhaps the last time we shut the windows, we had forgotten to lock them, and some stranger had opened the window and snuck into our apartment. maybe they were still in there, right now. there was a very small chance that courtney had come home, opened the windows, and left, but i didn't really think it was likely. after all, who would leave their house, and leave the windows wide open?? to make sure, i called her. she didn't answer, so i sucked it up and opened the door... at first glance, everything else appeared to be exactly how i had left it, which made me even more worried... but then i ventured inside, and i saw that my coat (the one that she had probably been wearing) was on the chair, and the pot had moved from the stove to the sink... her stuff was out all over the bathroom, and this morning, when i had to shower, i had taken her jeans off of the towel rack and put them onto her bed. i glanced into her room on my way out of the bathroom, and one of the pairs of jeans wasn't on the bed any more, but her bathrobe was, and her bookbag was on the floor (i was pretty sure it hadn't been there this morning). relieved, i concluded that she had, indeed, been home, and for whatever reason, she had just left the house with the windows open.

my relief was short-lived, because immediately after coming to that conclusion, i realized that if she had come home this morning, it meant that now, she was somewhere other than the place she was last night, and i STILL didn't know where she was, then or now... i care what's going on with her, and i want to know what she found out about her orientation, and how she's doing, studying for finals, and whether she's still sick, or completely recovered... but i haven't heard from her at all, in the past 24 hours... i don't mean to sound like a stalker, and i guess that's how i come off... but honestly, pick ANY given 24 hours, and i guarantee that if you ask courtney where i am, every hour, she'll be able to tell you, for at least 23 out of the 24 hours. i tell her when i'm at work, and i tell her when i'm doing laundry, or going to the bank, or going out with rashid, and i even tell her when i'm sleeping with ashley! i feel like i'm the stupid innocent trusting little girl, and she's this huge criminal, acting like one person to my face, but then sneaking around behind my back, doing things that she could never tell me about... to my face, she's nice, and she pretends to like me... maybe in reality, she doesn't like me, and she doesn't trust me, and keeping me around is just part of some huge plan she has, that goes with all these top secret things that she's doing...

so, while i'm in the middle of going paranoid, she calls. she asks, 'did you call me?'
'yeah,' i tell her, 'but i'm ok, now.'
she asks what i mean, and i explain to her how i had freaked out about the windows being open, and why i had done so, and how i had realized that she had just been home and then left again.
she laughed at me, and agreed, 'yeah.'
i agree, 'yeah.'
'well, ok,' she says, and you can tell that she's trying to wrap up the conversation. i am silent, because i can't really believe that's all she has to say to me. if this situation were the other way around, i know that i would have laughed and volunteered, 'oh, no, i didn't go out of town last night--i was just over at lili's, and of course i was home this morning, to open the windows.' or even if i had been somewhere last night, and i didn't want her to know about it, i would have still said, 'well, i'll see you this evening,' or something, to make it sound like even though i needed for the last 24 hours of my life to remain a mystery, that didn't mean that i was going to spend the rest of my life hiding from her. but now, i feel like she really doesn't care if she ever sees me again, and if i hadn't called her, she might never have talked to me again... even if i force myself to stop caring about where she's been, i still want to ask her about her new job, or see how she's doing, or something, but if that's really all she has to say to me, i don't want her to feel like i'm obsessed with her, or stalking her, or anything like that... so i just don't say anything at all. and she doesn't say anything, either. and the silence lasts for so long that finally, she asks, 'hello?'
'hello,' i reply.
'well, ok,' she says again.
'ok,' i agree, slowly.
and somehow, the okays wind down into byes, and that's it.

i hang up the phone and i go insane. i don't know what the problem is. i mean, is it my problem, because if i want to know these things, i should ask? or is it her problem, that she doesn't want to tell me anything about herself? it doesn't feel like we're not friends... i mean, sometimes, we have really good conversations, and we have fun, and she tells me that i'm her friend, or she says that she loves me (in a friend way, i mean), so what is this?
when yvette or rashid or anybody calls me, they'll always at least ask, 'what's up?' or 'how's it going?' and i always ask similar questions in return... i've never hung up from having a conversation with rashid, and not known where he was, when we were having that conversation. when yvette calls me, even if it's just to find out if i have plans for that night, i still wind up finding out about her day, and how she went running (ok, walking quickly), and how sydnie is leaving the next day... but when i talk to courtney, she volunteers absolutely nothing about herself, and wants to know absolutely nothing about me... what kind of a friend is that? i feel so unloved, and unhappy, and insane, and confused... why do i always wind up caring about everybody more than they care about me?

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Like I said in that convo a while back... I do the same as courtney, but not all the time. I wouldn't not volunteer any information, I'd be vague like saying 'In Glasgow' or some general area. I just hate feeling claustrophobic, like someone keeping tabs on me. But at the same time, it's good sometimres because if someone asks about your day and stuff, it shows that they care... So, I don't think it's a difference in caring. she cares for you as well.

AH HA!!!...You know of the conspiracy as well....EVERYONE IS A COMMUNIST!!! AHHHHHHH

I hate that, when your on the phone with someone and your just like...ok...ok....bye...But you have stuff to say to them.

"why do i always wind up caring about everybody more than they care about me?"
It's really hard to understand sometimes isn't it? How you can be so nice to people but it feels like they just don't care at all about you. A lot of times, I find that I'm exagerating things in my head. Sometimes you just have to give people the benefit of the doubt. Cause sometimes there's more to a situation than meets the eye.

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Hey! I know I havent been on in a long time but Im back and a little dissapointed Im not on your friends list anymore. I miss reading your entries! Could u add me again pls! If not its ok but it would be great if you did. Anyways ttyl.

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