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stupidfool
they shouldn't make classes on friday becuase i don't like attending classes on fridays even more than i don't like attending classes monday thru thursday. or i should just skip my friday classes, which was my solution for today. i was actually awake and everything; i just didn't feel like classes. i juggled a bit. i am improving.

then i went to work and christine was there. i was on 7 and after a while i needed some quarters and i had no customers so i went up to get them. terrie got them for me, but christine asked if i went to my classes today. i said 'well... uhhh... not really, but i only skipped 5 classes all week!' this is really an accomplishment for me. especially at the beginning of the week, i hardly skipped any. i haven't been to this many classes since i don't even know when. first week of first semester? terrie made this funny snorting noise and asked if i was serious. if you're not me, i guess skipping 5 classes in a week isn't a good thing. i told her 'well yeah, but that's way better than before. if i keep improving at this rate, i'll be going to all my classes by the last week.' her and christine laughed. great, too bad i was being serious. i went back to my register.

jane came in with her little son and she came through my line. so rex came and bagged and christine came out to say hi to jane. jane is older, but her and christine talk all the time becuase they always close together. christine tells jane that marie called her today, just to talk, for like a half hour, and she (christine) stopped listening after a while and she doesn't understand why she insists on calling her and stuff. jane laughs at christine and says 'awwww... she wuvs you.'
christine says, in a disgusted tone, 'that's not funny.'
and then she has to go back and help at the service desk and i am left analyzing that conversation. it's been fairly obvious lately (by the things she's said when marie's not around) that christine doesn't really care for marie. and it's even more obvious that marie does like christine, a lot. the thing that sticks in my mind to prove this happened during my first week here. marie was one lane over, on the intercom with christine and this 14-year old bagger, prudy, comes over to my register. marie is just beaming and laughing and talking on the intercom. prudy has no idea who's on the other end, and she says 'holy shit, look how happy she looks. she MUST be talking to some guy she likes.' and she tries to guess what male might be on the other end. then marie hangs it up, and prudy asks her, all sly, 'who were you talking to?' marie says christine. prudy is taken aback and can't comprehend this. finally she asks 'are you a lesbian?' not in an accusing tone, or even like she thinks it's necessarily a bad thing, just like she's looking for an explanation for marie's extreme happiness. marie immediately says no. and then someone at the service desk called prudy over, and that was the end of that. i don't remember what that had to do with anything now. hmmm... ok but anyway, so today, christine is repulsed by something, and i hope it's just marie, not the girl in general loving her. why do i hope? things are never how i hope they will be. well then maybe i can hope for marie, right? god, i'm a fuckin idiot. ok i'm sick of that story, it's frustrating me to think about it. next.

then i'm on 7 still, and christine goes into the aisle to get something and when she comes back, she walks through my lane becuase there's no customers, and as she passes, she says that i need to start going to classes. i say 'i know, i'm going to.' i really want to mean that, too, becuase i don't want to be here in the first place, but since i am, i owe it to myself to put forth my best effort. and right now, i'm lucky if i'm putting half my effort into it. she says 'you don't want to turn out like me.' (meaning dropping out of school) i say 'yeah i do.' she just shakes her head and heads back to the service desk. i am struck by the fact that that was about the truest statement i've said in a long time. i DO want to be like her - straight, hot, and not in school. in her mind, i'm sure my answer was only regarding the not in school part...

i thought i was working til close tonight, but an hour before that, terrie tell me to bring up my drawer, which confuses me. she says i'm going home now and shows me the schedule, which definitely says i'm leaving now. i was sure i was staying til close tonight... i go get my drawer and bring it up, and when i hand it to christine, i ask if she's sure i'm supposed to leave now. she says positive, and i should go home and sleep so i make sure i make it to my classes next week. looking out for my best interests again. she's sooooo nice, to everyone, and me too. i would feel better about this whole situation if i knew she hated me, or if she talked about me behind my back like she does about marie. but i have a feeling that marie is the only person who gets that honor, and everyone else she is just so nice to.

yeah so i leave and at the bus stop i meet this high school drop-out, who makes his living as a waiter at pizza hut. i look at him even worse than poor ben, but i tell him he's not missing much, becuase college isn't very thrilling. he asks if i'm on scholarship, and i say yeah. i say i want to quit. he tells me to stay in school. why does everyone think i should stay in school? him and christine, neither of whom are in school themselves, think i should stay in school. they're proably right, which somehow makes it worse. when he gets off the bus, he says 'see ya.' stupid people should think about what they're saying. everybody should speak with me, the queen of over-analyzation, in mind. especially christine. and marie. i'm not going to moan and groan about how sick i am of life becuase i'm tired and hopefully i'll just go to bed now. more likely, i'll spend hours trying to inspire myself to do homework, get nothing done, but go to bed way too late anyway. work tomorrow with christine again...