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today i went to class. then alana and i went out to lunch becuase i worked later today than usual, so i had some free time. we had a discussion on living arrangements for next year. molly doesn't want to live with alana or lauren. lauren and alana don't want to live with molly. so lauren and alana are definitely living together, and they said i could live with them if i wanted, but they wouldn't be insulted if i live with molly, becuase they know i get along with her well too. so right now, i would probably choose to live with molly. i like lauren and alana, but when it comes to day-to-day living, molly and i are more alike. and besides that, molly and i always get along, and i can always count on her. if she says she'll do something, she will, regardless of whether her boyfriend suddenly asks her to do something else. but there's one big thing keeping me from making a commitment... i'm a lesbian. what would happen to my relationships with any of my friends if they knew that? i mean, i don't like molly as anything more than a friend. i never have, and i never will. but i know that sometimes, people have trouble with that concept, and molly's homophobic to begin with... she might get scared i'll try to rape her, or just hate me without a reason, other than that i'm a lesbian. i have no idea what she's going to do, and i don't have a whole lot of faith in my ability to convince her that i'm still the same person she's always known, and that i could never like her like that... but then again, if i don't come out of the closet, it's not an issue. she doesn't have to know. i sit here, talking like i'm going to come out soon, but i really don't think i am. i still can't say 'i'm a lesbian.' i still can't talk about it. i still don't want people to know. but i am getting better. i really am. sometimes i talk to jim and forget he knows, and even when i remember, i don't feel quite as scared and nervous as i used to feel. i'm not as scared of terrie either, and christine said she knows. i know there's a difference between the two of them, becuase i've never actually admitted it to terrie, but it's still progress. i don't know when i'll be ready to come out, but i almost hope i decide to do it soon, so i can get reactions, and then start making plans for next year, knowing for sure that nothing's going to change... i don't know what to do. it's the story of my life. i don't know anything.

after that, i went to work. i talked to jim a lot. i'm really going to miss him when he quits.

terrie was there, being hot. she called me shorty. i'm not short. she had this clipboard, and there was a pen attatched to it with a string. she left it by me and i was bored, so i took everything i could find, and wound it into this string. i wrapped the string around all the stuff on the counter and all these pens and extra pennies and through the intercom cord. i do the dumbest things to entertain myself... anyway, then she's behind the service desk and calls over to me and asks me if i could bring her the clipboard. i stammer 'uhh... yeah... just a minute,' and then i frantically start untangling the string. it takes me almost a minute and she just laughs. when i bring it over, she asks 'why's your face all red?' i feel stupid. i always feel stupid.

joe the customer was in. he talked to me a lot. he kept asking if i remembered kristen, and i said i did, and she was nice. then he asked about christine, and if i thought she was nice too. i said she definitely was. he kept asking. he forgets things. i have to say things like 10 times. it doesn't matter though, becuase i'd gladly say 'christine's nice' 100 times, becuase she is.

i gave marie her reciept and she said thank you. i said you're welcome, and she said 'thank you' again. i told her she already said that. she said 'well the first was a thank you for the reciept. the second was a thank you for being you.' i say 'oh. that was an accident.' she laughs and says 'you were an accident?' i say 'no, that's not what i meant.' she's still laughing, and she pats me on the back and leaves. i wish she wanted me. i don't wish that. i'm stupid. i think the dumbest things.

alyssa came over and asked me 'what are you doing tomorrow night?' i told her i was working. she said after that. i said nothing, and she said i should come to her party. i couldn't think of a way to say no, so i said 'when is it?' she laughs and says 'uhhh, tomorrow night... that's why i asked if you were doing anything tomorrow...' i say oh yeah, i forgot. she laughs again. then she writes me down her address and phone number, so i can call if i get lost. she tells me to bring my friends. i say i'll try. i don't know what to think about this... first, i probably can't find anybody to go with me. molly's working. alana will be with her boyfriend. nikki might go with me... or lauren. but why would i want to go to a party? i don't go to parties. i don't want to get drunk with a bunch of straight people. that's when i realize why i'm considering this... alyssa stuck 2 dollars in marie's back pockets, and all of a sudden, i decided that i had working gaydar and that alyssa's at least bi. i don't like alyssa. she's not hot, and she's a giptonite. but what if marie's going to be there? i don't like her either. but i do, becuase she's a girl and i like girls and some days, that's practically all that matters... i just want a willing girl, any girl... but i don't. that's dumb. don't be dumb, loser. i think i'm insane... anyway, the point is that i now have alyssa's address, phone number, and an invitation to a party tomorrow night, and i'm considering going. i probably won't. in fact, tomorrow night, i work past the buse. i think i'll just stay up in the break room until molly gets off at 1 a.m., get a ride home with her, and by then, it'll be too late to go to alyssa's party.

the guy who was outside when i was upset was joking with me again today. then he came and said bye to terrie before he left, and i thought it seemed a little final, so after he left, i asked her if he wasn't coming back. she said today was his last day. i was sad, and i hardly knew him.

then my shift was over, and i was waiting on the bus with josephine. we had a long wait, so we were talking. she was talking about jp, and then about christine. she said christine was in here yesterday. i asked her about it, and she said she was here late last night, by the service desk, like she was waiting on something. on josephine's way out, she passed christine, and was happy to see her. she said hi, and that she missed her, and christine said 'i miss you too, josephine.' that's all. it hurts me a lot. christine does like josephine, like she liked me. i wished i had been there. i wondered if she only came in that night becuase she knew i wouldn't be there. i wondered why she came in, and why she stopped coming. i wondered if i'd ever get to see her again. i miss christine so bad... it HURTS to think that she was there and i wasn't. i have no hope of seeing her anywhere but the store, and i won't ever call her. my only hope is to see her at the store, and she was there and i missed it. i should be happy becuase at least i know she's still alive, and still comes here sometimes, but instead, i just feel upset. i'm stupid. at least there's a few consistant things in my life. i always feel stupid, and i never know anything.

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Congratulations, you used the word Giptonite!
Use it twice more and it's yours for keeps :)

The Small Faced Boy

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